[granite1]

so we talkeda lot about my mother in law here to ( help) with my recovery . how frustrated i am with her being here and how my husband is not himself .anyway she is here another week and is leaving the day i am suppose to have T next and she will be on vacation. i jokingly asked her is she really needed to go on vacation at this time . i was kind of joking but i think she took it a bit to seriously .she seemed to jump on the fact that i said something like this . she said i know its hard on you when i go on vacation ,really . i agree it is never fun when she is away but is it really hard . i told her that i was kind of joking and that i probably shouldn't have said something like that . she said that i sounded like i think that me wishing she would not go on vacation is a bad thing when it was not . she said that it is part if therapy .and that it is ok . . she said that she needs to be a consistency in my life and that it is understandable for a client to have a hard time in her absence and that it is ok if i do . i dont think it is ok at all i never want to be seen as this clingy ,needy, overwhelming,never satisfied ,selfish you never can take time for yourself because i need you to help me through this crisis kind of client . now i feel like this is how she sees me because i made this stupid comment . do peoples T really feel it is ok if you are so attached that you cant cope if they are on vacation. is this normal in the T relationship. she seems to think it is and is ok

[stopdog]

I think therapists do expect to be missed when they are away. I also believe they are okay and some even happy - when clients tell them about it.
The harshness with which people here judge themselves and others (clingy, needy, overwhelming etc) is off base I believe.
First - therapists set the game up so that it happens. Some even arrange for back up therapists for their clients to contact when they are away.
Second - I think most of them expect it and can handle it and some even like it and find it gratifying that they are so needed
Third - just having the feeling and acknowledging it is very very different from acting on it in an inappropriate way - and in therapy - it is not inappropriate to cry, tell the therapist, storm out etc. (I think showing up at the airport or the vacation resort may be going a bit far).
Fourth -it can be good, from what I have read, for some clients to see that their feelings about the therapist/situation do not destroy either of those things.
Fifth - even though it may feel like one cannot cope with the therapist being gone - most people do in fact - survive it. Thus the belief that one cannot cope is proven false - one can.

[unaluna]

I always say like yay! when my t announces time off and he is starting to get po'd. I cant help it, it always feels like a relief. Idk if its positive or negative but it seems like pretty strong transference. Sd's last point is probably very logical but i may be in very strong denial of it because it just seems blank to me. I cant logic my way out of this stuff, i have to FEEEEEL it.

[stopdog]

I think the rational can work with the feeling part - one can feel bad and also know it is not going to last forever or kill one. It does not stop the feeling - that was not my point. But, for some, knowing what it is and that it is handle-able can help in someways even though one has to endure the bad feelings.

[atisketatasket]

Granite, there are a number of threads on this very topic (search for the Wailing Wall one). It seems to be a very common phenomenon in therapeutic relationships.

I don't miss the therapist during a break, but if it's long enough I do miss therapy sessions, because I feel like I'm stagnating on my own.

[Pennster]

My therapist seems to think it's very normal for it to be hard when he is away. He gives me a month or more notice, he tells me he's still available by phone, and he doesn't act at all phased if I say to him that it's difficult. We both know I'll get through it, but we also both know it's hard for me, and it's just one of the zillions of feelings that comes up in life and in therapy that he encourages me to be curious and accepting about. I agree with stopdog that a lot of therapists expect it, and don't view it as a sign that the client is overwhelmingly needy or selfish. It's just a natural feeling that happens for some of us.

I am sorry that you find this hard, granite. I know therapy sucks sometimes.

[Crescent Moon]

What Stopdog said. Especially the value in the fear that we will not be able to survive a therapist's absence - does not materialize into anything disasterous. Those things build upon themselves - and push us toward resolution of the transference.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think the rational can work with the feeling part - one can feel bad and also know it is not going to last forever or kill one. It does not stop the feeling - that was not my point. But, for some, knowing what it is and that it is handle-able can help in someways even though one has to endure the bad feelings.

I think this is where my t says i have to "integrate" the feeling - and that is where my super high vocabulary skills FAIL!!!

Eta - i mean, i know what integrate MEANS, generally. But psychologically? Its like making pie crust. How exactly does it come together and come out right?

[SkyscraperMeow]

That's actually a really good point stopdog makes about therapists possibly liking it if clients miss them or feel needy.

I know I don't like to feel needy, so I judge myself negatively for feeling needy. And then, the stories of clients being really attached and then getting terminated or having boundaries shifted kind of primed me to think that if I felt attached or needy, or in any way that way inclined, I'd get punished for it in some way.

I guess every therapist is different as to how they feel about clients feeling certain ways about them. There's probably a spectrum ranging from healthy responses to unhelpful ones both positively and negatively.

It would be nice if it was okay to feel needy. (I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but it would be kind of nice.)