Paying someone to care.

I understand this Perna. I think, well for me anyway, it is having a deep emotional connection with someone and that someone knows all about you and understands the why's into the reason for your behaviors and reactions.

More music:
"It seems no matter how hard I try, it feels like there's something just missing inside." -Brandi Carlile, "What Can I Say"

"There's just a stranger living in me.
...I'm just bit run down here at the moment
Yeah, I'm all alone here
Living in darkness." --War on Drugs, "Eyes to the Wind"

Actually used the line "There's just a stranger living in me" with my T today to talk about depression and also the effect that a couple meds I've tried (Effexor and Cymbalta) have had on me. She thought it was a good line and we discussed it a bit.

I can't really remember how the conversation went but I know I said at one point that it was just my T's job to listen and care. His response was "i love my job" I guess I take that to mean he does care..why else would he like it otherwise..? Not really sure if that helps..

The problem for me is that right now, that person is my marriage counselor (and to a somewhat lesser extent, my T) rather than my husband... I was talking in our session today about missing the feeling of that feeling and understanding in my marriage. (Which I know was hard for my H to hear.) In discussion, it came out that some of it is my having an emotional void from the past that's hard for anyone to fill (MC suggested that, and I agreed). But I feel like there have been a few times in the past that I've had that with an ex. I think maybe I pushed it away, but my intense connection with my MC has made me realize how much I missed it...like he just gets me. I know it's partly his training, but I think much of it, from stuff he's shared, is that he and I are very similar (which would likely be disastrous for an actual romantic relationship!), so he gets it on some other level, than my H or my T (who is very different from me) could.

Sorry for thread hijack...been a very emotional day (appointments with both my T and MC) following an emotional weekend.

I volunteer in homeless shelters. Well I can't right now as I work two jobs. But i used to before. Puts your life into a perspective. I cried after I did first time. I was overwhelmed. I have a job that requires helping others but somehow volunteering felt different perhaps because i was not paid



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As much as caring is important. We never think "I hope T can help me understand my Transference" we always think in terms of love.
I'm not dismissing this, I too want to be card about. But until we have analysed this deep need, we are ruled by it. We make rash judgements based on it. But once the work is going, it becomes right sized I've found. I don't mean to say we work with a shallow, wounded therapist. I mean there's more to it then just that basic need. Then we begin to understand what caring really looks like and understand the whole theraputic set up.

What if you have analyzed the need and are still ruled by it? I think it's clear to me that maybe I am looking for someone to fill needs my parents should have, reassurance, emotional connection yada... but I still need love, and to some degree expect to be ruled by that need (aren't most people?)

Then the analyst isn't finished.

Yea, I don't see how an intellectual process or analysis is going to fill that void.

I've analyzed the need and I am now more ruled by it. But then T left in the middle of things.

Perhaps you should view your Therapist simply as a column of a support system. I do.
I don't view a Therapist as a friend I view them as people who help guide you.
Maybe if you did some sort of light volunteer work you can feel useful and fulfilled by
helping someone else thus it would make you feel you are needed. I don't know, it's just a thought. Just something part time.

It would be twofold, you helping someone keeping them company subsequently having company for yourself.

I am very sorry you feel so lonely and I hope and wish for you only the best of health.

On the topic of music, here's a song that really speaks to me:



Sara has said that she wrote this song when she was really struggling with depression. She was searching for strength to get through it, somehow, hence the "make me a Hercules" lyric. It's a really powerful song.

And this song is just… comforting (Sara describes it as a "love letter to those who are lost"):



I know it's not much, but I wanted to contribute somehow. I hope you find the strength you need to carry on. Put your warpaint on.

Petra - I'm sorry you've got to walk with such a big feeling of aloneness.

I know a little bit about what its like even when your with people, friends, close partners, to still feel alone. It's strange, we have thin skin really, and there isn't much between you me and a million other humans on the planet - but our minds, hearts, souls are like tiny islands in a massive ocean and sometimes it feels like no one will ever paddle our way, like no words can possibly reach across the distance between us.

I wonder if you ever have had moments where you did feel at least a small bit connected to a person, or a moment, or an idea or project? How did you manage that? Is there any way you could go back to that? Or take it one step further.

for me at the moment, part of my learning is that the isolation I feel is because much of my experience that is personal, deep and intense, I don't share with anyone else. So I've started taking little steps to give more of my vulnerability away, even if its a tiny thing like making eye contact, or saying "I don't feel well today, or don't feel like talking today" I instantly feel more connected.

And music? Yes music. all the time, all types, all kinds, read lyrics, listen, make music, watch videos - the musicians, the poets, the artists they know what its like and manage to express it when we can't (thank goodness)