question about your hugs in therapy

My T and I are both female. She once asked me if she could hug me after a particularly productive session. I said yes. She did. I didn't really feel anything about it one way or the other. If she wants to do it again, I guess I'll say yes again. To make her happy. I don't dislike it, I just don't like it either.

I'm female and T is female.
We've never hugged. I've never asked for it, she has never offered it. There also hasn't been any talk about hugs. I've never heard any of my previous T's about it.
I think it would feel good to get a hug from T. Not at every session, only after a very hard session in which I cried. I've had those sessions, she never offered a hug. So I don't think she'll ever hug me. And I'm too afraid for rejection to ask her for one.

1. Your gender/ T's gender:
Female/Female
2. Have you ever hugged with your T?
Yes
3. Who initiates hugs?
At first it was me. I became addicted to the hugs (I had to have them no matter what) and so I asked her if we could just hug naturally. Now at the end of my sessions she opens her arms for our hug and I love it.
4. In what situations you hug?
We hug at the end of sessions and if a session is really hard I ask for an extra hug.
5. How long are the hugs?
Usually just a few seconds. Often I will hug her longer and she waits until I let go. I like that.
6. Do you move your hands?
No.
7. Do hugs are close and you feel Ts body or quick and easy?
Very close.
8. Do hugs initiate feelings for T? (like attachment)
They did at first. I became addicted to the hugs because I was asking for them. I asked my T if hugs could happen naturally and now I am not addicted to them but I would be really upset if they stopped. Now I just feel very loved and cared for when we hug.
9. Do hugs initiate sexual feelings in you?
No, never.
10. Have you ever felt hug sexual while it happened at the moment?
No.
11. Have you ever had situation when T hugged you and then stopped to do it?
No.
12. Do hugs make you feel better?
Yes. When I have a good sesssion, hugs make me feel very connected to my T. When sessions are rough, hugs make me feel loved and cared for and supported.

1. Your gender/ T's gender:
Female/Female
2. Have you ever hugged with your T?
No

I have a couple of times wondered what I would do if she offered a hug, or if I could ever be brave enough to ask for one. I mostly think I would never ask, and if she tried I'd feel a bit sheepish or threatened.

I'm a bit amazed by all these hug stories and in part feel like it would be kind of lovely to have that relaxed, open connection with T, but right now that feels quite impossible. I suspect she has a no hug policy.

Do you think it is better to ask their policy when you first begin therapy with them or wait until you have established a relationship?
I feel like it is better to know right at the start but I am so anxious I don't want to ask. I wish they just offered that information to begin with.
If I were to ask I think I would ask if she typically hugged clients/was ok with it, but tell her I am not ready for it yet bc she is still very new but in the future it would be helpful...

I'm female, my T is female. We have never hugged. I have never wanted a hug, but I'd like her to touch my hand or arm or shoulder.

I have two T's a one-on-one and a group T I will answer for both Ts

1. Your gender/ T's gender female/male female/male
2. Have you ever hugged with your T? No to One-on-one T Yes to group T

if Yes please answer the following questions:

3. Who initiates hugs? One day on my birthday my group T asked me if I would like a hug for my birthday. So he did the first one. After that I did.

4. In what situations you hug? We hug at the end of individual sessions (with my group T)

5. How long are hug? 5-10 seconds

6. Do you move your hands? No, he sometimes pats my back. Thump thump type.

7. Do hugs are close and you feel Ts body or quick and easy? Close

8. Do hugs initiate feelings for T? (like attachment) I've always felt father figure attachment for him. It doesn't change it.

9. Do hugs initiate sexual feelings in you? No

10. Have you ever felt hug sexual while it happened at the moment? No

11. Have you ever had situation when T hugged you and then stopped to do it? I'm not sure I understand this question.

12. Do hugs make you feel better? Yes

1. Your gender/ T's gender : Both female.
2. Have you ever hugged with your T? : Yes - lots.
3. Who initiates hugs? T does the first hug, waits for me to initiate the second one. If I can't do it, then she initiates that one too.
4. In what situations you hug? Routine is right when we see each other which is either in the parking lot, hallway, or office, and then when I leave.
5. How long are hugs? Usually the average length -- few seconds? Sometimes they last a few more seconds.
6. Do you move your hands? Once in a while and just a little bit.
7. Do hugs are close and you feel Ts body, or quick and easy? It took me a long time to be able to feel the hugs because I would disconnect. Now, yes, I can feel her entire body so hugs are very close.
8. Do hugs initiate feelings for T? Yeah, maybe. Never thought about it til now. I would venture to say that the hugs did help with the attachment process, yes.
9. Do hugs initiate sexual feelings in you? Not at all.
10. Have you ever felt hug sexual while it happened at the moment? No.
11. Have you ever had situation when T hugged you and then stopped to do it? No. I would be devastated if this ever happened.
12. Do hugs make you feel better? Sure do!

1. Your gender/ T's gender: Female/Male
2. Have you ever hugged with your T? Yes, every time

if Yes please answer the following questions:

3. Who initiates hugs? It's mutual
4. In what situations you hug? Every time after therapy.
5. How long are hug? 10-20 seconds
6. Do you move your hands? like a back rub? No.
7. Do hugs are close and you feel Ts body or quick and easy? Close, but only with upper body and quick and easy.
8. Do hugs initiate feelings for T? (like attachment) Yes, they reinforce our closeness.
9. Do hugs initiate sexual feelings in you? No, I have no sexual feelings for my therapist, but I do like the way he smells.
10. Have you ever felt hug sexual while it happened at the moment? No. We both have very clear boundaries.
11. Have you ever had situation when T hugged you and then stopped to do it? No, he's very consistent.
12. Do hugs make you feel better? Yes, I feel safe and loved when he hugs me.

1. Your gender/ T's gender: Both female
2. Have you ever hugged with your T? Ex-T, Not yet with current T
3. Who initiates hugs? With ex-T, we both did
4. In what situations you hug? After every session or during a difficult topic
5. How long are hug? Quick
6. Do you move your hands? No
7. Do hugs are close and you feel Ts body or quick and easy? Quick and easy
8. Do hugs initiate feelings for T? (like attachment) Yes
9. Do hugs initiate sexual feelings in you? No
10. Have you ever felt hug sexual while it happened at the moment? No
11. Have you ever had situation when T hugged you and then stopped to do it? No
12. Do hugs make you feel better? Yes

1. Your gender/ T's gender
Female/Male
2. Have you ever hugged with your T?
Yes

if Yes please answer the following questions:

3. Who initiates hugs?
Me, although the first one was... complicated. It had to do with safety and after he asked if he could give me a proper hug.

4. In what situations you hug?
When I ask for it. I generally have only asked when things have been particularly difficult. This last year was hell. Though our last hug was a friendly, happy hug because things have been going well.

5. How long are hug?
Idk. I've never timed them. Next time I'll pull out a stopwatch

6. Do you move your hands?
No.

7. Do hugs are close and you feel Ts body or quick and easy?
They're full body hugs if that's what you're asking.

8. Do hugs initiate feelings for T? (like attachment)
No. I generally only hug people I like so they don't initiate feelings. They are an expression of a feeling I already have.

9. Do hugs initiate sexual feelings in you?
No. They're friendly hugs - that is, they're hugs like what I give my friends.

10. Have you ever felt hug sexual while it happened at the moment?
Nope.

11. Have you ever had situation when T hugged you and then stopped to do it?
I'm not sure I understand this question.

12. Do hugs make you feel better?
Yes. Otherwise I wouldn't hug him.

My old-T never hugged me, just poked me.

Male and Female T's: no hugs wanted or given.

Hugs are for family and close friends. Therapists don't fall into either of those categories, IMO.

I think a therapy relationship which involved hugs would be difficult to separate from an intensely personal relationship, which, as much as I like my therapist, therapy isn't. I don't hug people who come with a pay wall.

1. Your gender/ T's gender female/female
2. Have you ever hugged with your T? Yes

if Yes please answer the following questions:

3. Who initiates hugs? Sometimes I do and sometimes she does
4. In what situations you hug? Usually at the end of the session, but if it's a really hard session and I'm having trouble staying grounded and present, I'll ask for a hug
5. How long are hug? Usually as long as I need them to be, but now with my shoulder injury she's afraid she might hurt me and the hugs aren't as long. I like to hold on tight for a long time because often inside I feel like a scared little girl needing comfort
6. Do you move your hands? I don't, but sometimes at the end of the hug she will sort of rub and pat my back
7. Do hugs are close and you feel Ts body or quick and easy? Before my shoulder injury our hugs were close and comfy
8. Do hugs initiate feelings for T? (like attachment) Definitely
9. Do hugs initiate sexual feelings in you? Sometimes
10. Have you ever felt hug sexual while it happened at the moment? Not exactly sure. I remember when we first started hugging, I would kind of dissociate during the hug, and then later feel gypped that I couldn't remember how it felt, so I tried to be more conscious during the hug, and that's when I started to be more aware of how her body feels
11. Have you ever had situation when T hugged you and then stopped to do it? No, except for right after my shoulder injury and she was afraid she would hurt me, but I just stood there, not sure if I should ask, because it was after talking to her about some of the transference issues and I thought she might not want to hug me after that. I guess she realized I was still wanting a hug, so she came and gave me a little side hug. I wish my shoulder was better so we could have our nice, comfy hugs again.
12. Do hugs make you feel better? Most of the time

I used to have this perspective when i started therapy. then I realized it was my own defense against possible rejection from someone I wanted to be close to. I am not saying that's what's going on here though. for me I realized my thinking was somewhat flawed given I hugged my hairdresser and the girls at my favorite makeup counter regularly. those relationships have "pay walls" but I assume the difference for me anyway is there's nothing emotionally charged about my interactions with them.

I wasn't sure how to answer this, because it's always been my understanding that hugs and therapy do not mix and that a professional stand is always the best option because it (for me) helps me take a sort of birds-eye-view at myself and look at my problems in a different light rather than just being in my usual overwhelmed state. (Though many times the latter is inescapable!). I can feel overwhelmed by my stuff any time, but I don't often get the chance to look at things from a different angle or someone at my side so to speak, looking at things to make changes or identify changeable things with me.

But then I remembered that aside from my therapist (psychotherapist), I've also been in therapy as an inpatient for my eating disorder/s. I had so many hugs when I was- both by patients and staff, both in day patient treatment and inpatient treatment (though not as an outpatient). I would say those hugs really helped. But I do have issues with hugs- I did have issues with all hugs (as in "not within arms distance" mentality, until I was in treatment.

That being said I don't know how I'd feel about my therapist giving me a hug, I think I'd feel uneasy and not really sure why, I can't even think about why because a mild form of panic raises to my throat and I feel a mental block before I can even picture it! I like the chair-distance-apart thing because I can manage and handle that space.
But the hugs I had when in hospital? Really helped! Not essential but helped though I will say for many I seemed to feel cut off because it always felt like a formality rather than someone wanting to give me a hug- maybe I was thinking they were giving the hug for appearances rather than because they actually wanted to hug me. I guess I wouldn't be able to say the same for a private 1-2-1 therapy session and I don't know how I'd feel about that or what I'd do with that either...

1. Your gender/ T's gender:
Female / Male
2. Have you ever hugged with your T?
Yes, one time
3. Who initiates hugs?
I did
4. In what situations you hug?
I asked a hug in my last session, before saying goodbye. I wanted that hug for a while, so it was now or never.
5. How long are the hugs?
It was a loooong hug, I kinda lost myself in it.
6. Do you move your hands?
No.
7. Do hugs are close and you feel Ts body or quick and easy?
Close, I felt his upper body.
8. Do hugs initiate feelings for T? (like attachment)
I guess. I think I felt even closer after that.
9. Do hugs initiate sexual feelings in you?
No.
10. Have you ever felt hug sexual while it happened at the moment?
No.
11. Have you ever had situation when T hugged you and then stopped to do it?
No.
12. Do hugs make you feel better?
Yes, I felt great during and afterwards. That hug has helped me cope with the loss of my T. After already quite a long hug, he pulled me in closer. I felt so loved at that moment. I think it was his way of telling me how much he cared. He didn't tell me in words (only that he was going to miss me too).

1. Your gender/ T's gender:
Female / Female
2. Have you ever hugged with your T?
No

I like hugs and give and get them from family members and very close friends. I don't like to hug outside of those people. I even resent when I'm "lead" into a hug by a person who is an acquaintance or someone I've just met. I say resent because when someone steps in for a hug that I hardly know, I find myself complying and not feeling comfortable about it. No part of me would ever see myself wanting a hug from a therapist as I don't see the relationship in that kind of light, but I also know that saying "never" about any subject isn't a good thing. Life brings changes! But the one therapist I felt emotionally close to (who I met with for three years) didn't elicit a feeling of needing a hug when I left the area and we had our final session. I felt connected to her and I knew I was going to miss her, but I didn't feel inclined to ask for a hug, even though she had made it clear in our initial sessions that she did hug clients if it was something they wanted.

I think hugging in therapy is an individual thing. If both parties are comfortable with the idea of giving and receiving a hug, then it's a good thing. The only time I'd worry about it is if there is some heavy duty transference, on either end of the hug, and the whole thing gets distorted or hurtful.

I'm Male/Therapist is Female (or some sort of Goddess)

And no hugs..

Quote:

Originally Posted by lunatic soul Please answer the questions 1. Your gender/ T's gender 2. Have you ever hugged with your T? if Yes please answer the following questions: 3. Who initiates hugs? 4. In what situations you hug? 5. How long are hug? 6. Do you move your hands? 7. Do hugs are close and you feel Ts body or quick and easy? 8. Do hugs initiate feelings for T? (like attachment) 9. Do hugs initiate sexual feelings in you? 10. Have you ever felt hug sexual while it happened at the moment? 11. Have you ever had situation when T hugged you and then stopped to do it? 12. Do hugs make you feel better? I know there are many questions but it would be interesting to read your thoughts and answers about hugs which is so important to many of us. I'm sorry for those who would want a hug but T refuses it, I'm in the same situation. I hope you are not triggered by reading this. I just want to analyse hug stuff a little bit.

1. Me – F T – M
2. Yes, once.
3. I did by accident.
4. This was the end of the session where I had told T I find him sexually attractive (and had done from before he was my T so isn’t ET) and that I feared he would terminate or start distrusting my motives for instigating touch. As we were about to leave instead of saying ‘see you next week’ I said ‘can I have a hug?’ He re-closed the door and opened his arms.
5. I was so wound up at the time I don’t remember, just the right length that it was loving but not awkward.
6. Yes, I sort of stroked then held his shirt on his back, as we stepped away I slid my hand around onto his tummy and stroked it.
7. We were pressed right up against each other.
8. At that moment it let me know we were ok, he still trusted me to be intimate without crossing boundaries and that he still cared for me.
9. They were already around, when I had my hand on his tummy I really wanted to lean in and kiss him.
10. As above.
11. No, he has never really instigated any touch, just puts up with me touching him.
12. It really did. I suppose that’s why I’m hesitant to make it a regular thing, would rather save it for emergencies.

1 male / female
2 yes
3 her
4 end of sesh
5 a few seconds I guess
6 not really but I do kinda grip I guess
7 close and feel her body
8 no
9 nope
10 no
11 no
12 a little but I'm not deluded that it's the kind of comfort I want or anything

1. Your gender/ T's gender
female and female

2. Have you ever hugged with your T?
yes

if Yes please answer the following questions:

3. Who initiates hugs?
She does. I wish I could, but I can't ask.

4. In what situations you hug?
She hugs me at the end and during every session. Usually when I am sad or anxious, distressed,..

5. How long are hug?
Depends. Hugs at the end of the session usually last a minute or two, sometimes longer. Hugs/holding that I get during session, while we are sitting on the floor, are around half hour long. Some sessions hugs/holding is all we do, so 50 minutes?

6. Do you move your hands?
She has been offering hugs for almost year and a half now, and only recently I started to hug her back. At first I was just being hugged, not giving it. Now I hug her back, touch her arm or hand,..

7. Do hugs are close and you feel Ts body or quick and easy?
Very close. She always asks if I want it and follows my lead about how close I want to be with her. When I want to be very close, she is very close to me too. I feel her body, her heartbeat, her smell,..

8. Do hugs initiate feelings for T? (like attachment)
Yes. I've developed quite intensive feelings for her. I also think the attachment thing is happening (can't say for sure, I'm very avoidant in outside life and have no relationships), because it's the first time for me that I want someone (her) around, want to be close to her,.. They also make me feel connected to her and I feel like I am in love, a few seconds after we hug and we look each other in the eyes. It's hard to describe because it feels like falling in love, except there aren't any erotic or romantic feelings involved. I see her as a mother and myself as a child.

9. Do hugs initiate sexual feelings in you?
No.

10. Have you ever felt hug sexual while it happened at the moment?
No.

11. Have you ever had situation when T hugged you and then stopped to do it?
I am not sure I understand this one.

12. Do hugs make you feel better?
Yes. Hundred times yes. It feels like we communicate most through touch. It comforts me and calms me down. I feel safe and loved and her lap is my favorite place to be. When I go home and smell her scent on my hair and t-shirt, I feel happy and empowered, and like I can ''face the world'' now that someone/she loves me.

But I also think her vacations would be easier for me to handle if we wouldn't hug and touch at all. I wouldn't be so dependent on her and wouldn't be missing her,..

That's really sweet. My T used to be that way. I miss it.

I'm sorry your T changed and stopped giving you these things. I can't imagine how painful that must be. Hug, if okay.

I know that feeling!