Really Difficult Transition

Hi guys,

Just needed to get this out. My friends are tired of hearing about it. But I have all of these feelings inside that I don't know what to do with.

At the beginning of the Summer, I moved to another state. I had about two and a half months in my new house before I move into my college dorm room (school is about a six hour drive my new house). Before I signed my intent to register, I went around and around on whether I was actually ready, emotionally, to make this step to college. I missed the equivalent of an entire year of school during my first two years of high school, although I graduated on time, with honors, with my senior class. Up until last week, I felt fine about going off to college in two weeks. However, there has been a really tough turn of events.

I started seeing T1 in the beginning of 2012. We worked together for a little over a year until I was hospitalized in a residential program. Following my discharge, there was about eight months of therapy drama. While I was in the hospital, the hospital deemed T1 unethical and accused her of blurring boundaries because she replied to text and email messages from her patients. Because I was a minor at the time, I had no real say in what happened to me after I was discharged. I was sent to another therapist (T2). This therapist was very vocal about her dislike of T1, based on what the hospital told her. In addition to being abruptly terminated with T1, I also had a very bad experience with the residential program as a whole. I came back angry and scared and was trust into the real world without any transition plan. I was never able to process everything that had happened because the new t was very outspoken about T1, judgmental. It was a tough eight months until I turned 18 and was able to get back to T1 (I paid for it myself as my parents did not approve of me going back to see her).

I saw T1 again up until two and half months ago, when I moved states. Because of the move, and the college transition coming up, we decided that we would continue our appointments via Skype to make for some continuity during a period of a lot of change. The plan was for me to find a new therapist near my new house (T3) and get acquainted so that when it was time for me to move to school, I could terminate with T1 and continue on with T3. It took me weeks to wrap my head around finding a new therapist. I have some severe trust issues and attachment issues and I couldn't imagine having another therapist. T1 referred me to an old friend of hers, a lady that she had gone through graduate school with. I met T3 and immediately hit it off with her. I felt a good connection and the best part of it is that she has a unique connection to my T1. I began to open up about my experience at residential. Not super deeply but enough that I was confident that T3 would be the person I could process it all with.

Now comes the turbulent waters. After seeing T3 for four or five weeks, my parents dropped the bomb. They said that I had to find a new therapist because T3 isn't covered by insurance. The thing is- I had told them that she didn't take insurance before I started seeing her. I covered all my bases because there was no way that I was going to get to know someone new only to be cut off again abruptly. My parents and I had fight after fight about the financials of it. I knew that there was some other catch. And it came out- they said "it's unnerving how attached you've become in so few sessions. We don't want a repeat of T1".

I feel like my world is crumbling out from beneath me. I had made a plan for this transition with T1 so that I wouldn't find myself in a position where I didn't have any therapist. Yet that's the situation I am in. I was to officially end the Skype appointments with T1 next week. I can no longer see T3. I leave for school in a little over a week and I don't have time to find someone else and get to know them before I leave. Not to mention, I don't even know where to look for a new therapist. T3 was T1's only referral in this area, and T3 doesn't have any referrals who are covered by my insurance. My parents just keep saying that they want whats best for me and they are doing what they think is best for me. They want me to see someone up near my school (remember, T3 is near my house).

I wanted to only have a therapist near my house that I could see when I came back on school breaks. I have been in weekly therapy for four years and I think it's time to experience the real world and see how much I've learned. I didn't want someone to see every week while I'm at school. I think that I can do it without such close monitoring. I wanted to do it.

I just feel that there are so many parallels to when I came back from residential and was abruptly terminated with T1. I had a plan then- to go back and continue work with T1. I was cut off and sent to someone completely new, that my parents approved of. It was an awful eight months with a therapist who didn't understand me. I feel like this time around, I had a plan. A plan that I made so that this wouldn't happen again. And now look. I am cut off from another therapist whom I felt close to. I opened up to her about some really tough things in my past. I felt that she could help me in ways that even T1 couldn't. Not to mention, I don't think that I will find someone else who can relate to my situation at residential than the new t. Without knowing T1 personally, I think that every therapist will have the same reaction that the hospital did- that T1 was unprofessional. She was just out of the box. She did what she felt was beneficial, given the circumstances, and I will stand by her. T3 was so right because she knew T1 as a person. She was able to look at her actions through not only a professional lens but as a colleague as well. She even said that she would have done the same thing in T1's shoes. She made it safe to talk about my experience.

I know this is long so I will wrap it up. I just don't know what to do. My plan is gone. T3 is gone. My hope that I will find someone who I can talk about specifically my experience in residential is gone. T1 is going to be gone. I'm going off to school and I feel so alone. I feel triggered by this unfolding of events. I worry that maybe I got ahead of myself and am really not ready to go to college. But I really did feel ready, when I knew that I had a support system. But now that's gone and I feel so lost.

Since the new T is so far away and you won't be seeing her that often anyway, why not get a job while you are at school to pay for those occasional sessions on your own?

She said that it might not be a wise idea to go from weekly therapy for years to only seeing someone a couple times a year. I do think that I will pay for her myself, but I would like to see her more often, if possible. It's just frustrating that my parents are willing to pay for someone that they approve of, but not this one therapist. They aren't the ones who are seeing her. I emphasize over and over how I think that I can do good work with this therapist. And they refuse to let me see her, without even knowing her.

This is a really good time in your life to learn how to fend for yourself financially, so I second the suggestion to find a job (colleges often offer on campus work to students) to fund your own therapy. You may also consider looking into insurance plans especially for students- they can be less expensive and offer mental health benefits. However you do it, you'll find it incredibly freeing compared to the controls you've been used to as a minor. As long as you're using your parents to fund your therapy, there are going to be constraints, whether emotional or practical or both.

Remember, now that you're an adult- they can't refuse to let you see anyone- you just can't force them to pay for anyone. I know it can be an odd transition to think like that, but I hope you'll find it empowering with time.

Good luck working through this- I agree with your instinct to stick with T3 if you can. Along with trying to fund it yourself, can you ask if she offers a sliding scale for students or income-based sliding scale? Therapists often will if they're able.

P.S. I just realized T3 is 6 hours from college. That does seem really impractical, unless you would be able and willing to do phone sessions or something to supplement in person visits. There are often therapists in good numbers around college towns/centers. You may want to consider interviewing a few- I know you disliked T2, but it's likely there are more "T1" and "T3" out there also if you'd like to see a great therapist while you're at college. I'm not familiar with successful therapy that's done just during school breaks, but I suppose I could understand it if you're looking more for a workshop/weekend intensive type experience and don't want to have an ongoing connection... because it will be really difficult to maintain one if you just see a T during summer and holiday breaks don't you think? At any rate, an occasional therapist should be easier to save money to see, no matter where you see them.

Are you thinking of putting off college to see t3 instead? Cuz i dont understand how you could see her and go to college at the same time. I would proceed with school if you can and get out on your own, move toward building your own life.

If even T 3 thinks you need to be seeing someone regularly, I' m a bit surprised that she isn't also encouraging you to be open to finding a therapist near your college. I went to college that distance from home, and I never went home except on major holidays because the entire weekend would have just been spent on the road. There honestly wouldn't have been time to fit in a weekend therapy appointment even if a therapist would have had weekend appointments (most don't). I only made it home Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Spring Break. I can't see how having any kind of continuity and consistent support from that distance would have really worked. Why not at least consider finding local therapy support on or near your campus?

The thing I wanted to mention is that I've seen a therapist who wasn't "covered" by my insurance, BUT I could be reimbursed for the sessions by getting an invoice letter from the therapist, listing the dates I was seen, the cost of the session and her diagnosis. I'd download a form off my insurance website, fill it out and send in the invoice.

Now, it would take FOREVER to get the check from the insurance company. Sometimes I'd have to call them and light a fire under their tushie because they took their own sweet time paying me, but I'd eventually get the check. If you really want to see this therapist, go to the insurance company your parent's use and check to see if they cover out-of-network therapists. A lot of people aren't even aware that their insurance does this--they don't advertise it because they don't want customers using their insurance this way.

** Just so you know, you do have to pay your therapist for your session as you go and don't get reimbursed until later, but it is way to see the therapist you want to see.

That does sound difficult.

You appear to have an extraordinary amount of drive and determination. And I think missing a years worth of school only to graduate on time with honors, along with the clarity and passion in your post proves it.

Just some Q's to consider that might help you devise a plan...
How often do you plan to visit home? What is your main source of transportation to get home? Are you able to maintain a part-time job while at school? Is making the potentially arduous trek home once a month plausible in order to see T3? Would T3 allow phone sessions during times in between in-person sessions? Would it be possible to see a T4 while at school, and see T3 during holiday breaks? What if you see T4 and become attached to him/her? Will your parents cut you off from T4 then as well?

I know this is hard and confusing for you. You will figure it out, and it will all work out. In the meantime, you can count on us PC'ers to support you.

If T3 will do Skype session, maybe you could tell your parents that you'd really like to have a few more sessions with her (like 3-4) to finish discussing your experiences in residential treatment. They might agree to that, since it would be a limited number of sessions and it does make sense to continue that discussion with her, since you have already invested time, emotions, (and money as well) talking to her about your residential treatment experiences.

I don't know what sort of classes/major you're planning on doing in college. A job can be good, especially if it's an on-campus job with very limited hours. Just be careful about not overburdening yourself to the point where there's not enough time to handle your course load. (Speaking from experience here - it has been a long time since I was in college, but when I was, I took a full course load in a difficult major, and was not able to work as many hours at a job as some of my friends in easier majors were.)

Hugs.