Feeling fragile and vulnerable post session

Hi all,

Thanks again for all the sharing and thoughtful conversation that goes on around here.

I'm in the start of that 'post session' space that can be tricky, and thought I'd take a moment to share a bit about what I'm thinking and feeling - in case its useful to others but also because it helps me process.

*****I think I should preface this by saying some people might be triggered by the content in this post - not sure *****

I was talking with my T today about an experience from my adolescence that I didn't expect to be a big deal, but in actual fact has left me feeling quite fragile. We brought it up last week and I noticed how effected I was, so thought I'd mention it today and give it some more time. It was concerning a vehicle accident I was badly hurt in and the subsequent months of recovery etc.

I was pretty tense the whole conversation, didn't really know what I wanted to say or hear, just trying to stay with it.

I always go round and round in my mind with this dynamic of intensely hating feeling in pain, vulnerable, fragile and being at the mercy of others - doctors, nurses even my mother who did some of the post hospital care stuff around treating wounds. Not really wanting anyone to see me in that state, touch me or be around me - my instinct was always to try and block it all out, run a mile, avoid thinking about it.

At the same time, back then and I think now, I have a deep need to feel safely held in my vulnerability. To have permission to be fragile when thats how I feel, and for that to be OK, acceptable and to feel met by another person. I avoid sharing any vulnerability because I expect it to be painful, unsatisfying and a bit out of control.

Even in the session with my T I'm tossing up - do I want to be vulnerable here, and feel seen by her? Or do I want to just get this out of my system and move on, or do I want to avoid talking about it all together? It's like I swing between these two paths, and have all the mix of emotions about both at the same time.

It makes the process exhausting and as I drove away today I felt really quite tired (thats fairly normal for me post session) but also still in a fragile state. Part of me wants to just hide for the rest of the day, sleep, be alone, and I do feel really intensely connected to the memories of that time, its all front of mind and present, and part of me wants to just push it all away. I don't want to go there.

On the other hand, I feel like I want to process it, and like it would be a relief to be able to talk to my T tomorrow again, rather than later this week - to feel like I'm not alone in the fragility. I find myself wanting her to know, wanting her support and a sense of comfort. If she dismissed me, or moved me on, or if I couldn't talk to her for a couple of weeks I think I'd find that upsetting.

I certainly don't feel like partying, being with a group of friends or working!!! (all of which are on my agenda today and the next few days)

Anyway, its a bit of a rant, but my struggle is around intimacy. And today just felt like a really raw experience of both sides of my battle, and I'm really struggling through the emotion to see clearly whats going on for me.

The other thing I can't decide is wether or not to stay with the fragility, let the 'woundedness' surface and to bring all the pain into therapy. Or if the opposite of this needs to start being true, that therapy is a place that builds me back up, that strengthens me to handle these emotions and function in spite of them? It's like I can't decide if my therapist is trying to break me down or build me up. And I don't know which of these I'm after either!!

Anyway, theres a bit of a window into my headspace today...I wonder if anyone else has had similar experiences or has perspectives on it all. One thing I have learned for sure is that I'm feeling pretty mixed up today but tomorrow will be a bit better, and the next day a bit better, and then seeing my T on friday might make it worse again and thats all to be expected and nothing to be worried about.

Can't help noticing how well written your post is!
I have heard again and again that therapy has to get worse before it gets better.
I struggle with intimacy too and sometimes I have to fight the urge to cancel my session. I really need to be in top form this weekend for a big family event that is very important to everyone. Working on difficult subjects means opening up, and because I'm not very open it can be hard to switch back after I let everything resurface. So this week because of the timing, I allowed myself cancel for the first time ever.
So I think it's ok to push everything back down and close up when we need to. But it really can be worth exploring them later when we know it is safe to do so, like when we have no plans and can sit at home all weekend dealing with the after effects.
Hope you don't mind me replying, I know you weren't asking for advice, your post got me thinking and these are my thoughts!

Well I would agree with what Ana said about your post being well written .

Intimacy, attachment, whatever, is my problem as well. It's very difficult for me to truly be vulnerable with people, more so the more I like them, and it's ironic that when I want intimacy the most it's usually me who somehow shies away from it.

I was thinking recently about a session where I froze and disassociated, rather than really cry. I started on some emotional material then stopped talking because I was going to cry and when that happens I hold my breath and freeze. My therapist was trying to coax out the tears and I was actively fighting them. (These are the most awful sessions for me by the way). I drove away feeling sick and of course lamenting why I couldn't just share my emotional moment and let him comfort me like he would have, probably get a hug out of the deal too, and instead I felt like I had let us both down.

Then yesterday I remembered something that happened a million times when I was very little, which was how my dad would react to me when I was upset or hurt. He would shake his head and say "Ohhhh, Petra, will you please just...(go to your room, be quiet, get over it, stop!)" It seemed so benign at the time, but I was thinking that deep down now, in my core, I believe no one wants to hear my feelings. It feels like a burden, and I guess maybe it is. I don't want someone to laugh at my pain, or make light of it, or worse to dislike me for feeling the way I do. It's like somewhere deep down I'm ashamed even of how I feel, and I feel like I'm not supposed to share it with anyone.

I think the goal is to be seen. To be vulnerable. Once you can really share something like that with someone, a lot of times the burden of it is lifted right away. But I mean sharing like really being seen, because you can just talk about things and get nothing in return but something else to ruminate about. At least that's how it is for me. Here and there I get a little taste of real intimacy and it is always a relief, like coming up for air.

Progress not perfection, that's one of my mottos. I read your post about having hard sessions and agree with the conclusion you drew, take it easier on yourself. If there's one thing therapy has really helped me with so far it's just that too, I dropped my guilt about not opening up pretty quick the last time it happened. Think I sent a "sorry about today" text and just let it go. It's good to be gentle with yourself, I don't think therapy is something to be forced.

Thanks Ana & Petra...I do a bit of writing as part of my work so thats obviously coming through here!

I am really grateful for your response Ana - no problem at all, I think by posting I'm hoping to get some sense that I'm not alone in these sensations and questions.

I think you made the right call giving yourself space this week, and I sincerely hope you can be present and a positive part of your family gathering. It can be so tough when theres lots going on under the surface.

I really appreciated you saying
I do find I have to unwrap myself going into therapy and then it takes me time to wrap it back up again. I have often pondered since starting the process early this year, like I feel like I need to spend a weekend grieving, or several weekends, its like, it needs time and attention - I feel like 'feeling' is becoming a part time job!!

I have set aside some days, and think I will need to keep doing it. It's an odd thing to say, but there it is.

Petra - that in between space - of wanting to connect, be open and yet dealing with a rush of emotion pulling you the other way is just awful. It's no mans/womans land. In a weird way I am glad you had that memory because I think it seem like it goes some of the way towards understanding yourself and why you fight against vulnerability. I too am ashamed and think its unfair to ask anyone to share the pain. Thanks for sharing this because it gives me such encouragement to know I'm not alone/crazy/way off track.

yes yes yes, a thousand times yes. What a beautiful way of putting it. Ironic that intimacy makes me feel closed in, pressured and out of control, yet the actual experience of it as you describe it there - coming up for air, is spacious and freeing?

I'll take all of those pointers on board about gentleness and letting it take the time it takes. It's so good to be doing this journey alongside others.