It's Not Enough

My therapist is pretty much the only person who hugs me, and now I am only seeing her once every 2 weeks. I crave those hugs, but it's not enough. I am running on a huge emotional deficit, and I need more people in my life that I can be real with besides my therapist. I need more people who can accept me, as broken and messed up and tearful and stressed as I am, people who can love me and nurture me. But I don't know how. I don't know where to find those people.

Have you tried volunteering? I think it can be a great source of hugs. Volunteering with others who might have a deficit like kids, seniors, etc., plus working with other caring people sets one up for some good hug opportunities, not to mention the deep satisfaction and mental health benefits of helping others.

Volunteering is a really good idea. There are always people who need help, and there are so many different places and ways to volunteer that there's probably some way to do it that will work for you. I found volunteering really useful when I was at my lowest point.

I'm just so busy right now. I have 2 days where I'm up at 6 and I'm at my practicum 8:30-3, and then I have a 50 minute drive to get to uni, which goes until 10. Then the next day is just practicum, and by that time I feel wasted and don't want to anything

I understand. Sometimes I miss my old unethical T because she hugged me and told me she loved me. Sometimes I only drag my butt to church to get a hug from my pastor at the door.

Another option with less time investment would be support groups. After attending a meeting or two, some attendees are very comfortable with hugging. Some churches also have a lot of hugging among members.

Also, it sounds like you're not only looking for a quick fix, so you may want to evaluate your priorities and invest some time in these things to meet that deep emotional deficit for the long term- relationships take time, no matter whether volunteering or otherwise... just like we pay our therapists.... those other places to get hugs typically involve some type of exchange/commitment too, maybe you can look forward to an option like that once your busy days are over. Think of it like therapy- you have to schedule time for that- it's worth scheduling in some other time too it sounds like.

Yeah, your schedule is certainly an example of why self-care is often neglected, even by those in the helping professions who urge it on their patients.

Still, your heart is telling you that it has a need. Please consider and make room for the ideas here, or others, as possible ways to meet the needs of your heart.

There is so much baggage around church/religion/Christianity/spirituality. I just can't go to church right now, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to go again. I feel so fragile and broken right now that it is hard to put myself out there and form the kind of relationships I want.

I know how you feel. I used to crave the hugs I got from my T when I had to ask for them. I still crave them from time to time. It hurts that its never enough. I am rooting for you!

Do you think it's unethical for my T to hug me? I can't imagine not hugging her at the end of each session. I need that physical comfort from someone who knows how deeply I am struggling and hurting right now.

It's not unethical for a T to hug in general--it really depends on their own boundaries. And how consistent they are with them.

It's such a painful feeling, I know. I agree with others' comments though. Your instincts are telling you what you need so it's good to find a way to make room in your life so you get your needs met.

You need to be compassionate and loving towards yourself first - stop telling yourself you don't have time or room for what you need. That's a bit like an adult telling a crying child there is no time for finding new friends or relationships or the nurturing the child needs because the busy-ness of life is too busy.

My own T once gave me some wise advice: "Give away to others the thing that you want or need for yourself".

Just find one small gap in your week where you can join something new and meet people who have an interest that you have. Then concentrate on being friendly and giving towards them. You'll find that what you give away will come back to you in time.

Sending you love and hugs
Take care.