Anyone remember when Mouse made her ideal session dialogue, and then I followed? Basically my ideal session started out with me and T having a discussion about psychoanalysis, in which he is impressed by my knowledge. He thanks me for offering him some new viewpoints. Then he tells me how he has been very sad that we can only see each other once per week. I act like I don't care. He tells me that he will kick out a few clients so that I can have my choice of any open spot. I tell him that's fine, and I get up to leave. He says, "Nice shoes."

So I told him about this today. All of it, right down to the "nice shoes" part. Of course I laughing hysterically and could barely get through it, partly because I was nervous, and partly because I really do amuse myself.

Then we discussed the significance in my made-up session. I told him how I wish, even if it it was only for one day, he could be the one attached, and I would reciprocate nothing. He asked me what that would look like to me. I told him-- you would say.... "I'm so attached and afraid of rejection!!"... and I would say... "Uh-huh. That must be hard."

When I told him this, he winced and said, "Ow!" I asked him why he had such a strong reaction and he told me because he can feel what I mean.

I went on to tell him how last Friday I felt connected even when I went home, but then by night, I was mad at him again. I remember the exact moment when I got mad, when I was cleaning the sink. I said to him, "Yeah that's how I spend my %#@&#! Friday nights-- wiping the sink!" And he cracked up and repeated, "%#@&#! Friday nights cleaning the sink." I love when he laughs.

I told him how I feel all this emotion for him... and how he doesn't have to feel anything in reciprocation. He then made an interpretation of sorts, and I could feel myself getting mad again. Then all of a sudden, I realized something... so I told him that I figured something out-- that the little 'ideal' session I had written out was not just a one time occurence-- Whenever I am with him, I have an idealistic scenario that plays in my head, along with what's really going on. I told him that during his interpretation, the whole time I was getting mad because I had this idealistic scenario in my head of him saying, "Well of course I think about you during the week! Of course I am completely attached to you too!" And since the reality of what he was saying didn't match the fantasy I created, I got mad.

But then he said something I didn't expect... he said that while I was telling him this, he realized that I was right to get mad.... because he felt his interpretation was bad and didn't put us on the same page. He said that it didn't convey that he understood the feelings.

Then he asked me if it's okay with me if he makes mistakes sometimes. I told him that it was completely okay b/c it's the best way for me to accept that he is human, and not completely idealistic.

Then he said that he also has a lot to learn from me.

I told him that his orignial interpretation wasn't that bad, and he said, "Actually, it was pretty lame." LOL.

[PetulantWolf]

[MissCharlotte]

Wow, Pink this post hit me close to home. I felt it in my heart.

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he realized that I was right to get mad.... because he felt his interpretation was bad and didn't put us on the same page.

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This is an awesome statement. I think that you and your T have a meaningful and reciprocal relationship. The fact that he said this is proof that he was hearing/feeling what you were saying/feeling. Making the match between expressive and receptive language is the challenge of talk therapy, isn't it? And it put you on the same page!

Yeah, I would want to take him home too. Then he could sit at the kitchen table and offer interpretations as I cleaned the sink.....

[Perna]

Did he really say "lame" :-) That would endear him to me. I was thinking while reading your post that maybe you do the angry-take-home because that's the only thing that will "last" for you? The connections are hard to keep or even figure out how to make in the first place but we can rewhip up anger in our kitchen at a moment's notice and that "connection" we can keep going.

Too, I was looking at your scenario as if you were telling an actual dream? "Nice shoes" as you're walking out the door and leaving, is an interesting comment in that context? Sees nothing while you are there but then as you're leaving. . . Too, they're concrete, real objects you're taking with you and you'd have the comment and the object and could keep the two connected. If it were my dream :-) I'd try to get the "Nice shoes" in as I walk through the door at the start of a session and start the discussion with them.

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Perna said:
Did he really say "lame" :-) That would endear him to me. I was thinking while reading your post that maybe you do the angry-take-home because that's the only thing that will "last" for you? The connections are hard to keep or even figure out how to make in the first place but we can rewhip up anger in our kitchen at a moment's notice and that "connection" we can keep going.

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Yup, that was a word-for-word recount. He said his interpretation was "lame." It was very endearing. And as far as what you said about the anger.. yes, you are right... Anger and disconnect lasts for me. And just to clarify, it was whipped up while I was cleaning the bathroom sink.

Pinksoil, Funny I could feel "our" pain more when I saw your T's reaction to how it would feel for him, if it were him and not you in the client role. Good discussion you had with him.

I think I feel good about the session. I actually started out telling him that I wasn't in the mood to talk about emotion-provoking stuff. You know.. Friday, 5 PM, the start of 3-day weekend... who the hell wants to start getting all emotional? He said that it's OK to not always want to get to the feelings-- that he wasn't discounting them, he was just letting me know that it's OK to take it easy some sessions. Somehow, though, it led into deeper stuff. At the end, I told him I must be difficult. I've always been difficult. I asked him if he gets frustrated with me. We came to the conclusion that at times, it can be frustrating for both of us. He said that frustrated doesn't mean uninterested. I like that. I think I'll go back next week.

[sidony]

Sounds like an awesome session.

I'm feeling disconnected right now because I'm away visiting family and I feel like I'm in a different world. I hope I'll be able to express how this feels when I get back.

Sorry I don't have much of anything to add to the thread, but I always think your therapist sounds awesome. Very human yet very insightful...

Sidony

I think he might be a human. I think I might be a human. I'm not sure. LOL.

Ahhh, disconnection.... very familiar feeling to me. When are you going back home? Will you see your T this Tuesday? I hope you're doing OK.

[sidony]

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pinksoil said:
I think he might be a human. I think I might be a human. I'm not sure. LOL.

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Ahhh, disconnection.... very familiar feeling to me. When are you going back home? Will you see your T this Tuesday? I hope you're doing OK.

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Doin' okay here. It'll be a week from tomorrow when I see my T again. Visiting my parents now, off to see my brother on Wednesday, back home on Monday the 4th (see T on the 5th). Seems like ages away. I'm missing 2 group sessions too though not as sad about that... (still ambivalent on the whole group thing). But I miss my therapist....

But life is so different here. Seems like my ordinary life was ages ago, and yet it's only been a few days.

Sidony

[lauren_helene]

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pinksoil said:

Then we discussed the significance in my made-up session. I told him how I wish, even if it it was only for one day, he could be the one attached, and I would reciprocate nothing. He asked me what that would look like to me. I told him-- you would say.... "I'm so attached and afraid of rejection!!"... and I would say... "Uh-huh. That must be hard."

When I told him this, he winced and said, "Ow!" I asked him why he had such a strong reaction and he told me because he can feel what I mean.

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I like what you shared here Pink. I wish I could share it with my T. But I know he won't say what your T did. He'll say 'it is much better to feel the pain'or something similar...and I'll cry.

Anyway, this was an excellent interpretation of your feelings about him in a way he understood.

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pinksoil said:
I told him how I feel all this emotion for him... and how he doesn't have to feel anything in reciprocation.

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This is so how I feel too. Please someone give me the courage to say this next session...which isn't until Fri of next week.

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pinksoil said:
Then all of a sudden, I realized something... so I told him that I figured something out-- that the little 'ideal' session I had written out was not just a one time occurence-- Whenever I am with him, I have an idealistic scenario that plays in my head, along with what's really going on. I told him that during his interpretation, the whole time I was getting mad because I had this idealistic scenario in my head of him saying, "Well of course I think about you during the week! Of course I am completely attached to you too!" And since the reality of what he was saying didn't match the fantasy I created, I got mad.

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Very insightful of you!! My T uses this word with me 'idealistic' and how I value and devalue my marriage. Maybe based on a mood or incident I don't know yet.

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pinksoil said:
Then he asked me if it's okay with me if he makes mistakes sometimes. I told him that it was completely okay b/c it's the best way for me to accept that he is human, and not completely idealistic. Then he said that he also has a lot to learn from me. I told him that his orignial interpretation wasn't that bad, and he said, "Actually, it was pretty lame." LOL.

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I love this exchange completely. He gets you Pink! Here he lets you in by saying he isn't perfect and makes mistakes too. He then tells you that he sees you as someone to learn from and not just teach to...wow! I'm so glad you had such a good session like this one.