[Walking Man]

I've read that the most important thing about therapy is the therapeutic relationship. There are frequently posts here questioning how "genuine" that relationship is, and a lot of posts expressing anxiety about that relationship.

My question is, "What is the difference between what you are looking for, and what you can expect?"

A for example in my case I wanted to have a more affectionate, warm and fuzzy, mother when I was young; and now I really want an intimate relationship with the wife I don't have. Obviously my therapist isn't going to be either, but I thought she might be a kind of surrogate (fill in) who could help me develop those sorts of relationships in my real life. I thought she could help me experience those things in another way. More generally I wanted someone to listen and offer support. What seems to be happening though is that we are developing our own relationship along different lines. She is helping and supporting in her own way. How to define that relationship is more difficult.

[NowhereUSA]

I guess I walked into therapy not looking for someone to fill a need so much as help me get to where I was going. Since my T has done that I don't feel unfulfilled in the relationship. I don't expect him to do or be more than what he is. We've worked together for a long while now though and so we do have an extra layer to our relationship - a kinship on favorite movies and books, that kind of thing. I know a lot about his life. I ask abut things that are going on with him which obviously remains limited in response, but still he's open.

[ruh roh]

I would say I was/am needing an honest person to talk to. Somewhere in there is a relationship that's evolving, and it feels very calm and solid, which is new and nice. I wasn't looking for it. I can see how it's really helpful for what I'm working through, but my focus is still very much on my own current day non-therapist issues and not on the therapy relationship. It's just there and unfolding in a non-dramatic, comfortable way.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I used to expect my therapist to fill a need I had. I have realized that she can't and I need to fill that with someone else or myself. I know just expect her to listen, be there for me and give me advice on certain situations.

[divine1966]

I didn't expect a relationship with t and didn't think it is important. I needed someone I could tell things and get suggestions how to improve in certain areas of my life. Particularly attraction to wrong men and lack of fiscal responsibility. Certainly I wouldn't want a t who I don't have good rapport with or is unpleasant person but that's about it. No I don't believe that relationship with t is the most important thing. Not for everyone .

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[rainbow8]

I've had 5 Ts including my current one. When I began therapy I didn't know I was supposed to have any kind of relationship with my T. I had no idea what therapy was about. Then I started developing feelings for my T and the rest is history! I always wanted the relationship to be more than it was, and each T told me about unmet needs from the past. I was frustrated with the therapeutic relationship because the Ts couldn't love me the way I wanted them to.

It seemed like my pattern was going to continue with my current T, but something changed. My relationship with her became satisfying because she gave me more of what I wanted and didn't make me crave love from her like my other Ts did. So the relationship is more of what I want and need, but not at all what I expected! It is much more real than I expected. I know I am more than my Ts job, that she truly cares about me. It's still a working relationship with boundaries, but it is deeply satisfying to me.