[fuzzball541]

How do you handle a change by your T?
Been seeing my T for 5yrs now
I've been having a rough time with depression and suicidal thoughts. I was struggling with my T care being genuine and would often ask for reassurance quit often of his care or if he was there etc outside of session. He told me that I'm no longer allowed to ask for reassurance regarding his care/feelings. I was working on this and thought I was doing ok. I was afraid of more change other than this reassurance aspect I saw him not as responsive to emails. He said nothing else is changin'. But I saw more change. I asked in session the next week and he said I will not be responding as often. Ok. Well I don't have much support outside of therapy. So I'm hurt because I miss the support he gave and I feel he lied. Because he said nothing else is changing yet it had. I brought up the fact he no longer responds in the evening or weekends like he use to call to check on me occasionally. He said no he won't be anymore.
He said when he was trying I prove my care back then it seemed to be detrimental because I kept seeking it and not long lasting. Well I'm trying to tell him the change he has made is makin me feel so much worse. He says we need to work this out together yet he seems unwilling to see my viewpoint. So what would we discuss? He said its an adjustment period and I need patience.
I said I wished you'd never have started this replying the way you did. He apologized and wished he had not let it go as long as it had. Now I have to suffer for his mistake of agreeing to answer me whenever he felt ok to.
He told me I could reach out whenever prior to this. I did overdo the emailing but did not expect an answer with each one. As I told him I would write my struggles and send them away.
I've noticed since he's no longer there for me I've become more depressed and harming.
So depressing. I just want to feel supported. I prob did not make much sense and there is so much more he said that I could write. Thanks for listening!

[Parva]

Your post struck a deep chord in me, and it did make total sense to me. I have much the same need with my T; I ask all the time, I guess less lately, but there is a constant need for reassurance. I think it will diminish some over time, but if you need reassurance every day, then that's what you need.

I just want you to know that I think your need for reassurance is ok. I have it to. Deeply. It doesn't mean you're weak or needy. And you will learn some kind of secure attachment, but I think that will happen at it's own pace. Boy, do I empathize with the fear and depression.

I will be honest with you. I have been through periods where my T remained quite supportive, but I was unable to experience it. You might read this and see if any of it clicks with you. If it does, maybe share it with your T.

https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd

[AllHeart]

Reassurance and dependency is good to a degree, but gaining self efficacy is more beneficial. Did your t work with on any coping skills for dealing with your struggles during your 5 years together?

I know it may feel awful, but your t is supporting you, just in a different way. He seems to have fostered a dependency and now it feels like you are all of the sudden left on your own. My guess is your t wants you to see that you have the inner strength to help yourself.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Parva

Your post struck a deep chord in me, and it did make total sense to me. I have much the same need with my T; I ask all the time, I guess less lately, but there is a constant need for reassurance. I think it will diminish some over time, but if you need reassurance every day, then that's what you need.

I just want you to know that I think your need for reassurance is ok. I have it to. Deeply. It doesn't mean you're weak or needy. And you will learn some kind of secure attachment, but I think that will happen at it's own pace. Boy, do I empathize with the fear and depression.

I will be honest with you. I have been through periods where my T remained quite supportive, but I was unable to experience it. You might read this and see if any of it clicks with you. If it does, maybe share it with your T.

https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd

i feel the same way. i text my T a lot asking for reassurance. he always gives it to me. i fear one day he will stop or it will be too much.

[stopdog]

This sort of unilateral ******** from a therapist would greatly piss me off. I doubt they would respond well if a client decided to stop paying because the therapist seemed to too dependent upon money.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

My T has changed emails and at first it was very hard for me. I still fear at times that something else will change. She seems to have my best interest at heart. Now I see that the changes to emails are for the better. It still not a good feeling when a T changes something you have become used to without a warning.

My advise to you is to try and see this in another light. It might be for the best and it might not.

[musinglizzy]

My God, I had to check to make sure I didn't write this post myself! Re: my therapy journal.... one particular day in February, I fought with a disclosure. My T tried to help coax me into feeling safe to tell her, and asked why I was worried. I said I didn't want things to change, and I was afraid they would if I told her. Her exact words: "things will not change HERE." So, feeling safe and reassured, I told her. Things changed drastically after that, and almost 8 months later, they're still a'changin'. She quit sitting by me, offering reassuring touch. She quit saying things to me she used to say. Then she quit prolonged hugs. She quit self-disclosing, the way she did, which helped me relate to her. And, ever so gradually, her Emails and/or texts have died off considerably. When not only did she answer everything, she often initiated contact herself. No more of that. Throughout all of this, as things changed, one at a time, I told her I was nervous about what she was going to take away next. Therapy turned into me just scanning the horizon to see what she was going to take away next. It's still that way. But, I still keep plugging on, and am very proud of the progress I have made in therapy this summer, despite our rupture. I have thought about quitting, I even had set a termination date and wrote a termination letter (when I gave her the date, she said "don't you DARE quit now!"). I stayed. I contacted a couple of other therapists, but they wouldn't take me, so I have just stayed with her. I'm very attached to her. But the trust is not there. I wait for her to pull the rug out from under me. I don't feel a connection. I just go in there twice a week and talk robotically during my sessions. I don't even look at her. I have been through a lot in my life, as we all have, but I have found this to be probably one of THE most painful things I have experienced. I recently started reiki sessions. I'm feeling somewhat less "dependent" on therapy. Maybe this can help me find peace in leaving her and finding someone else who I can perhaps form a connection with. I'm hoping so. Because my old T is gone. The new one is a bit of a hard ***. I told her she tricked me to gain my trust, then when she got what she wanted, she changed the rules. I told her the very thing she used to gain my trust, is what took it away. Nothing I say to her helps me feel understood at all.... so I just suck it up and keep going. Like I said, it has been a very painful experience.

Can I just ask how someone asks for reassurance for a T? I mean the exact words you use. I honestly don't know what people are talking about.

[musinglizzy]

I'm just saying, by telling her my fears (that things would change), she reassured me by telling me they would not. I guess I didn't really ASK for reassurance, but she offered it to me anyway. She has always offered reassurance by letting me know I'm justified in feeling the way I do about things, that it's to be expected given my background...etc etc. I guess that's the best way to explain it. I never went into therapy wanting reassurance, but it was offered to me, and I learned to trust it.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Wow. I could have written this too. I am so sorry.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

Can I just ask how someone asks for reassurance for a T? I mean the exact words you use. I honestly don't know what people are talking about.

I come right out and do it. It's almost an OCD compulsion. I realize it's totally messed up and unhealthy.

With my old one who hurt me so bad:

"You still love me right?"
"You aren't going to go anywhere still?"
"You still care about me?"
"Will you think about me?"
"You meant it when you promised not to leave me right?"

With the new one I do too:

"You aren't frustrated are you?"
"You aren't going to give up?"
"You aren't mad I cut?"
"Is everything still okay?"
"Do you still think I can get better?"
"You still like me right?"
"You still care about me?"

I even did it with my pastor thiscmorning,
"Is it okay if I email you this week? I don't want to bug you if you have a lit going on."

Originally Posted by Parva

Your post struck a deep chord in me, and it did make total sense to me. I have much the same need with my T; I ask all the time, I guess less lately, but there is a constant need for reassurance. I think it will diminish some over time, but if you need reassurance every day, then that's what you need.

I just want you to know that I think your need for reassurance is ok. I have it to. Deeply. It doesn't mean you're weak or needy. And you will learn some kind of secure attachment, but I think that will happen at it's own pace. Boy, do I empathize with the fear and depression.

I will be honest with you. I have been through periods where my T remained quite supportive, but I was unable to experience it. You might read this and see if any of it clicks with you. If it does, maybe share it with your T.

https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd

I really like this article. I find the idea of emotional flashbacks a helpful way of looking at it. I also like the way the T draws out a positive aspect of experiencing emotional pain. Thanks so much for posting the article - do you want to post it on the sticky too?

[PinkFlamingo99]

I think not reassuring at all is a bit harsh. My old one got to that point too and it just made me more desperate and frantic. It feels like support being ripped away after we let ourselves be vulnerable. He should be helping you through the abandonment fears and learning to cope with them, not just withdrawing reassurance and support.

My new T will say stuff like "what do you think I'm going to say?" And then will often reassure me anyway. She says this is common with people who have really bad abandonment fears.

[Parva]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

Can I just ask how someone asks for reassurance for a T? I mean the exact words you use. I honestly don't know what people are talking about.

Do you still love me? Do you still care? I need you to tell me you'll never leave me.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

Can I just ask how someone asks for reassurance for a T? I mean the exact words you use. I honestly don't know what people are talking about.

do you still care? are you alive? are you mad at me?

[wheeler]

I have sent similar texts to my T. Are you still there? Do you hate me?...etc. She has always responded positively but I'm still anticipating the day when it all changes.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

Can I just ask how someone asks for reassurance for a T? I mean the exact words you use. I honestly don't know what people are talking about.

T:
Is it OK if I e-mail you? Am I e-mailing too much? I don't want to be bothering you.

Marriage counselor:
If I love you, is that OK?

It's still OK if I e-mail you sometimes, right?

T and MC:
It feels like you're just trying to pawn me off on someone else because you don't want to deal with me (regarding suggestion that I go to an day program/intensive outpatient program).

Would it have been OK if I'd called you at midnight on a Sunday when I was having a crisis?

I'll often simply say "I'm sorry about X" or just "I'm sorry," with the hopes that he/she will respond "It's OK."

My T isn't too big on the reassuring thing. MC has said before that he shouldn't keep reassuring me because I'll just want more...then he generally keeps reassuring me anyway. I think he understands that at times I just really need it.

[fuzzball541]

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond...I'm glad I'm not the only one with asking for reassurance. I would often ask....u still there for me? U still care? Asking if it was genuine.
I'm having this struggle because now he has stopped emailing pretty much or checking on me even though I'm pretty depressed/suicidal thoughts. Makes me feel he doesn't care and not there for me anymore. He keeps changing and it's making me feel awful. And I'm not allowed to ask for reassurance!!!
The change of rules is killing me. Makes me cry so much.
Feels like his support is gone so why bother going to therapy?

I am so sorry. I hate seeing yet another therapist being extremely unprofessional and harming a client. What do they learn in school anyway? Do they not understand this stuff and how much power they have to hurt their clients? Ugh. It disgusts me so much.

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

I am so sorry. I hate seeing yet another therapist being extremely unprofessional and harming a client. What do they learn in school anyway? Do they not understand this stuff and how much power they have to hurt their clients? Ugh. It disgusts me so much.

Unfortunately, no, I don't believe that many therapists understand the level of harm they do when they are inconsistent in their approach to their clients and fail to develop good solid and well defined boundaries. Yes, I do know that most counselors, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, CMSW's LEARN this information (in books and videos, during discussions and through lectures) when they're in training, but I don't think some or many understand the true impact their behavior has on many of their clients, especially those clients who have experienced early Big trauma and little traumas. In other words, clients who have abandonment/attachment issues. The therapists that I've worked with, who were most effective and who were not re-traumatizing, have been therapists who got, on a very deep personal level, how their response to their clients profoundly effect the ongoing progress of the therapeutic process.

Not all of the ones who "get it" are individuals who have experienced their own trauma, but all of them are able to talk about the impact of their own therapist's behavior on them on a very personal level; in other words they personally experienced in-depth therapy for themselves and it has and in some cases, continues to have a big impact on their own approach to providing therapy. It's one of the reasons I think it's so ridiculous that therapists here in the U.S. aren't REQUIRED to go through therapy during the length of time they're in training. It also amazes me that the stability and emotional health of therapists isn't determined on a more rigorous ongoing screening process while the therapist is training and then while they are practicing. It also amazes me that ALL therapists aren't required to continue to receive and be in supervision/peer group supervision through out the length of their careers. In my experience, the really solid, well trained therapists are the ones who remain in a supervisory group through out their careers--it doesn't matter if he/she has been in practice a year or 35 years, they know that their "own stuff" can get in the way and he/she needs help to see it from another therapist's imput.

And finally, I've found it pretty rare to come across a therapist who understands and believes in recognizing and owning up to his/her own mistakes. Why is it so hard to say, "I'm sorry I hurt you. What can I do to help us solve this problem?" I do believe that therapists are human and make mistakes. I just hate how many put the "blame" on the client, chalking it up to the "illness" of the client. Often therapists make mistakes, and that's not horrible part; for me, the inexcusable part is his/her failure to accept the "blame" and make the first steps to healing the fracture in the relationship. Just moving boundaries around and not saying anything to the client is just sooooooooo wrong. Owe up and make amends--that doesn't mean that they have to never change a boundary when they make a mistake, but he/she needs to own up and make amends for his error!

[Ellahmae]

Thank you for this, JayBird. Makes me realize I do have a good one, a really good one. Helps me to know that.

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

Unfortunately, no, I don't believe that many therapists understand the level of harm they do when they are inconsistent in their approach to their clients and fail to develop good solid and well defined boundaries. Yes, I do know that most counselors, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, CMSW's LEARN this information (in books and videos, during discussions and through lectures) when they're in training, but I don't think some or many understand the true impact their behavior has on many of their clients, especially those clients who have experienced early Big trauma and little traumas. In other words, clients who have abandonment/attachment issues. The therapists that I've worked with, who were most effective and who were not re-traumatizing, have been therapists who got, on a very deep personal level, how their response to their clients profoundly effect the ongoing progress of the therapeutic process.

Not all of the ones who "get it" are individuals who have experienced their own trauma, but all of them are able to talk about the impact of their own therapist's behavior on them on a very personal level; in other words they personally experienced in-depth therapy for themselves and it has and in some cases, continues to have a big impact on their own approach to providing therapy. It's one of the reasons I think it's so ridiculous that therapists here in the U.S. aren't REQUIRED to go through therapy during the length of time they're in training. It also amazes me that the stability and emotional health of therapists isn't determined on a more rigorous ongoing screening process while the therapist is training and then while they are practicing. It also amazes me that ALL therapists aren't required to continue to receive and be in supervision/peer group supervision through out the length of their careers. In my experience, the really solid, well trained therapists are the ones who remain in a supervisory group through out their careers--it doesn't matter if he/she has been in practice a year or 35 years, they know that their "own stuff" can get in the way and he/she needs help to see it from another therapist's imput.

And finally, I've found it pretty rare to come across a therapist who understands and believes in recognizing and owning up to his/her own mistakes. Why is it so hard to say, "I'm sorry I hurt you. What can I do to help us solve this problem?" I do believe that therapists are human and make mistakes. I just hate how many put the "blame" on the client, chalking it up to the "illness" of the client. Often therapists make mistakes, and that's not horrible part; for me, the inexcusable part is his/her failure to accept the "blame" and make the first steps to healing the fracture in the relationship. Just moving boundaries around and not saying anything to the client is just sooooooooo wrong. Owe up and make amends--that doesn't mean that they have to never change a boundary when they make a mistake, but he/she needs to own up and make amends for his error!

[fuzzball541]

Well I must say atleast my T did apologize saying in sorry I wished i didn't let it go in as long as I had. But he isn't helping repair it. He says I need to go to my family for support which there is no support there that's why I started therapy!!

In session he told me I wish it could have lasted(the knowing if his care and he was there). And you would have felt secured and reassured. I did so so you could be at peace when it wasn't there. I busted my *** trying to show you that I cared. But since it hasn't worked it makes no sense for me to give what I was doing was not helping or it was detrimental.
But what he's doing is making it worse!!! No replying to emails of checking on me like he use to or no reassurance?! It's awful. I haven't emailed him yet today and don't plan on it. What's weird is the message I left in the phone would have thougt he'd call me back about. It's like it's do easy for him to forget me now. It's really a struggle for me. Completely gone compared to what he was giving.

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

T:
Is it OK if I e-mail you? Am I e-mailing too much? I don't want to be bothering you.

Marriage counselor:
If I love you, is that OK?

It's still OK if I e-mail you sometimes, right?

T and MC:
It feels like you're just trying to pawn me off on someone else because you don't want to deal with me (regarding suggestion that I go to an day program/intensive outpatient program).

Would it have been OK if I'd called you at midnight on a Sunday when I was having a crisis?

I'll often simply say "I'm sorry about X" or just "I'm sorry," with the hopes that he/she will respond "It's OK."

My T isn't too big on the reassuring thing. MC has said before that he shouldn't keep reassuring me because I'll just want more...then he generally keeps reassuring me anyway. I think he understands that at times I just really need it.

I do the excessive apologizing thing too.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by PinkFlamingo99

I do the excessive apologizing thing too.

It particularly drives my husband nuts...like he's said it's been bothering him since like our second date 10 years or so ago. At that point, I'd think he'd just be used to it and deal with it. Is it so hard to just be like "It's OK"? Pretty sure I'd apologize less if I got more reassurance...

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

It particularly drives my husband nuts...like he's said it's been bothering him since like our second date 10 years or so ago. At that point, I'd think he'd just be used to it and deal with it. Is it so hard to just be like "It's OK"? Pretty sure I'd apologize less if I got more reassurance...

I agree. Drives me nuts when ppl don't answer. I get sooo worried it's because they're mad.