Is this a lame response from therapist?

Hello all, So I recently posted my concerns about my therapy, she's a great T for the most part. I'm concerned about inconsistencues regarding email. ..email has always been fine, even encouraged and now, not so much. The past few days my depression has been really difficult. I have thoughts of just not living, making a will...I'm not on a pity party just struggling with my issues. So I emailed my t. for the 2nd time this weekend, telling her that I'm not doing so great. .feelings of rejection, etc. Her response this morning was "hang in there "...nothing more or less. I was like"are you kidding me??". I struggle with trust due to early childhood sexual abuse, emotionally absent parents amongst other stuff. I was hoping for more compassion from my therapist. Has anyone else had similar experiences?

I have not via email - generally I don't email them and they don't email me - but one of them did say something lame in response to an emotional topic in session last week and I kind of her chewed her out and told her, "this would have been a much better response for me to hear" and outlined the response. She thanked me.

Did you want to address the issue with her? If so, what did you want to hear from her instead? Can you tell her that?

Sorry to hear of your struggles. When emails were fine and encouraged, how would T have responded to your email then? Would she have responded more in depth?

I agree that "hang in there" is pretty lame. I would be disappointed in the lack of compassion as well, especially if it was there before. Are you opposed to emailing her back right now, telling her you sense something is amiss and can she help you to understand why the email communication has changed? You could even let her know this hurts and confuses you, and would appreciate talking about what is going on next session.

I went through a similar situation a few months ago with my T, and I also struggle with trust due to early CSA, emotional neglectful parents like you. Her and I were/are avid emailers to each other. She went a few times without responding to my emails and it sent me into a tailspin. I did email her asking her to help me understand what was happening. Turns out, she was just experiencing a stressful situation at the home front and didn't even realize she missed my emails. She had called me like 5 minutes after I sent the email because she wanted to clear up and apologize for her not responding. I appreciated that more than anything, that she was willing to clear up the lines of communication right away.

No matter what the outcome, your T needs to tell you what's going on. I hope you are able to ask her either by email or in person.

T's can't get it right all the time. The point of therapy is to talk about when things feel wrong. Thers a lot of gold to be had in those types of conversations.

It's not the greatest response, for sure, but it is the weekend and she might have been busy or on a long drive or something, you never know. I wouldn't assume a lack of compassion; she did reply, after all, she didn't ignore you. I'd say talk to her about what kind of response you're looking for.

It depends on your relationship. I would be happy for my therapist to email that to me on a weekend, even if it doesn't say anything. Often, I just want to know someone's out there. There is not a single thing she can do if I'm in bad shape because I refuse other interventions. So, for me, that kind of response is just fine.

I agree that it would be good to identify what she would have said in the past that you miss having and to let her know that kind of response is more helpful to you when you're in this dark place.

Sounded like the type of thing that really needs to be discussed in session rather than over email which may account for the brief reply.

I'm sorry...that's the reason I'm afraid to email my T about stuff.

I've had similar experiences with my therapist. We ended up talking about expectations regarding emails and that has helped a lot. He (nor do I, actually) want it to become a form of therapy, like it is in the room while we are meeting. Some of my emails have been more venting than anything, which he now knows. Its been difficult sometimes when he has replied and it was a short "ok" or not replying at all, but it is difficult to fully say what the person is saying through email and emotions are sometimes not showing, so we wait until our next session. And sometimes, they aren't allowed to go into detail in reply to emails, even if you already did, as previous therapists I've had. My suggestion, honestly, is to talk to her about it during your next session. See if there's some type of middle ground that both of you can get to, so that you still feel comfortable emailing (it's a great outlet if it helps). Or, even another email and ask if the two of you can discuss the email in more detail when you do have your session.

most T are like that . they pretend to have compassion until they can no longer do it because they can only fake it for so long and then the rejection just seems to come out of the blue and the T says oh well then we will deal with the fall out or something real stupid like that because they are all fake .

Sorry you feel let down; I can see thinking that response is kind of lame.

That said, I agree with Ruh Roh that it depends on your relationship. I would probably be happy with that response too; sometimes all I need is to know that T (or anyone) still exists and is listening.

If you need more than a quick nod, maybe you can call or schedule an extra session? That may be more helpful than even a more detailed e-mail.

I also think e-mail can be a pretty terrible medium of communication. The same "hang in there" can sound dismissive, sarcastic, warm, genuine, etc. depending on how you (the recipient) feel at the time, and have nothing to do with the spirit in which it was sent. It doesn't help that e-mail can't really convey tone of voice or expression or any of those non-verbal cues.

Thank you. . Yes, I've had the day to think about it and that's true...sometimes the intent of my therapist does not reflect as it should for me. We've talked about it to some degree which is why she doesn't like emailing, undestandable. I get into these dark places and I guess when I'm in that moment I expect more than I normally would. Thanks again

I only hope and pray that is not true. I have to believe that my T is better than that, she has helped so many, I know she's in it for the right reasons. I get into my dark unholy places and expect more than she can give.

I think most (all) of us can relate to that.

Heck, I once called my T. in the middle of a panic attack and demanded to know who the President was!

Stress can do funny things to the brain. T's wouldn't be in the field if they didn't understand.

You're not kidding! It's crazy...right now I'm feeling more grounded and in touch with myself, and I have to thank so many of you because of the insight and sharing of your experiences. .it truly helps me to put things into perspective ..I just wish that I always had the clarity that I need in order to better understand what I'm going thru in that moment.

I had once told a former (long distance) T on the phone that I was really having a hard time. She gave a very generic response that bothered me. She asked if I had considered stressors that could be affecting my mood. I was like seriously? That is the first thing I did.
It was irritating to me because her asking that felt like she was asking if I was doing anything to try and make things better.
Another time I was very suicidal and discussing it. I never had a problem when discussing it before with her but this one time she responded with such a cliche line it made me very angry. It is what people say all the freaking time. People who don't understand, who just argue against suicide but don't know the struggle those who are suicidal face every day. I didn't want to hear that from her and in that moment it seemed insensitive.

My T has given me similar responses through email and its always such a let down. I am sorry you were let down. Its best to talk about feelings during sessions so that you can process emotions as they are happening and you can see her meaning behind what she says. I learned this the hard way. If you are in crisis could you call her? That way you can hear her voice. I hope things get better for you.

Ex-T used to always write "Don't worry". Current T likes to write "Everything will be okay". Both are kind of the same as "Hang in there". They can't really do therapy through email. Plus they normally respond to email for free, so can you really expect a lengthy response? I've learned to look beyond what was written and take it as a sign that someone knows what's going on, I'm not alone, and they do care. It is support. It's better than being ignored, right.

What would you have wanted her to say?

[QUOTE=Cinnamon_Stick;4709102]My T has given me similar responses through email and its always such a let down. I am sorry you were let down. Its best to talk about feelings during sessions so that you can process emotions as they are happening and you can see her meaning behind what she says. I learned this the hard way. If you are in crisis could you call her? That way you can hear her voice. I hope things get better for you.[/QUOTE
I'm learning slowly how this business called emotions work in the therapeutic setting, I am trying hard to absorb what she says during session so that if I'm not sure on what she meant I can get the clarity while I'm there..I'm really going to work at that and to not dissociate which I'm an expert at. Therapy is no easy task. It feels like they bait you, then when you take the bait they throw you back into the water...it's how it feels sometimes. Having said that I'm learning after almost 3 years of working with her to trust her , it's a slow and often painful process but I'm surrendering to it, slowly. As far as calling her, yes. ..if I needed to I could. But to date I haven't. For me to call her i would have to be in a very grave place . Thank you so much for your thoughtful response...checking in and reading everyones input helps me so thank you again!

I am sorry you are hurting.
I could see how that sounds dismissive

But I am trying to be practical here. T has many clients and if all of them email during her time off and she would be reading and replying to them all in detail she would spend hours and hours of her personal time on her computer/phone. That is just not very realistic.

I think you do want to discuss it with her and she might have a good explanation

I hope you feel better now



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I think it highly unlikely every client would be emailing a lot at the same time. I do think it was a lame response - I think it would be lame from anyone - not just a therapist. I would consider no response better than that one.