[slbest]

So I have a physical disability that I've had since birth. I mainly use a power and manual wheelchair to get around. I'm fortunate that I had endless physical therapy throughout my childhood but unfortunately I feel that I hurt more than helped. It scared me mentally and emotionally and was very traumatic. Most of the physical therapy hurt as well which made it so much worse. Anyway, my parents continue to bring up that I should walk more and enough is enough. I'm 25 years old!! As it was, I felt as if nothing i do is good enough! They always want more. All this is really catching up to me and making me angry. I just recently discovered this with my t this past session and it's tearing me apart. 95% of my anger is toward my dad. He was the one that most often never let me off the hook with anything and I'm extremely angry for that. Should I talk to him about this? Does anyone think it would bring our relationship closer? All advice/input/suggestions would be appreciated!

[LonesomeTonight]

I would talk about it with your T more before you consider whether you should talk to your dad (I assume that's who you meant by "Should I talk to him about this?" unless you meant your T). It doesn't sound like your dad is particularly understanding or compassionate, and talking to him could possibly make you feel worse. Basically, you should talk to your T about what you're feeling regarding your dad and what you'd want to accomplish by talking to him.

I've had similar talks with my T and also marriage counselor about whether I should talk to my parents about certain things that hurt/upset me. In some cases, have determined I wouldn't get much out of talking to them, so I should just try to reframe it in my mind. My marriage counselor shared that he went through therapy himself when he was younger and had lots of issues regarding his dad to deal with. He figured out that he needed to feel anger about it and experience that, but actually telling his dad he was angry wasn't going to make anything better. So he mainly dealt with it through therapy.

Hope that all makes sense!

[slbest]

Also feedback Lonesometonight! Thanks! I'll talk to my t more about it. Your right, i may not feel any better by talking to him. More thoughts anyone? I need your advice and support! I've been so dependent on my parents throughout my life so feeling this is pretty much earth scattering! Help!!!

[JustShakey]

I'm going to come down on the other side of this one - I'm a parent of a special needs child. My son has cognitive impairments rather than physical ones, but the underlying parent-child dynamic is similar I think...
I would talk about it with your T, but I think your relationship with your parents could really benefit from being honest with them about how you feel. Often typically-abled parents simply don't understand their differently-abled child's limitations very well. We judge from our own position. We want the best for our children, but our outlook is often skewed. I can totally understand why your parents let you endure the painful physical therapy My son has had a lot of medical intervention and I know how easy it is to become numb to it in the name of doing what's 'best'.


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[ruh roh]

I know many people in your situation, slbest--some at the other end though, where their parents expected absolutely nothing and they suffered mightily from that, and a couple where they just cannot even talk to their parents about certain subjects that make their parents feel judged. I guess I'm saying that this is unlike any other parent child relationship. Definitely get connected with a support group. You'll find a lot of similar issues.

Before talking to your dad, I would work through some of that anger with your therapist, though. You have a right to feel the way you do.

[Coco3]

Therapy brought up a lot of anger for me too. Towards my father and a sibling. I talked it through with my T, not with my family. My family doesn't handle emotions well, they suppress almost everything. That's what I used to do too, before therapy. It's why I ended up in therapy, I burnt out.

I don't think my family will understand what I'm feeling or don't know how to handle it, and I think I'll only get more frustrated if I try to talk to them. So I talked a lot about it with my T and put most of it behind me, or at least learnt to deal with it.

[slbest]

I am so sad that my parents don't understand. That frustrates me so much. I've been fearing a lot about when they die. They are in their 60's and my fear surrounds that when they die I'll still have all of this unresolved anger

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Coco3

Therapy brought up a lot of anger for me too. Towards my father and a sibling. I talked it through with my T, not with my family. My family doesn't handle emotions well, they suppress almost everything. That's what I used to do too, before therapy. It's why I ended up in therapy, I burnt out.

I don't think my family will understand what I'm feeling or don't know how to handle it, and I think I'll only get more frustrated if I try to talk to them. So I talked a lot about it with my T and put most of it behind me, or at least learnt to deal with it.

OK, this sounds just like my family, except that I was an only child. There was suppressing of emotions, plus the need to keep bad things secret, to present ourselves as a nice, happy family. And my parents didn't understand that I had OCD as a kid and punished me for some of my behaviors. Or anxiety as a teen--with that, my dad got upset at me a few times because my behavior was upsetting my mother (they did take me to a T for a bit, but I feel like it was more like they just wanted me controlled than that they wanted to help me, if that makes sense. Like tried to hold me down and force me to take a med). And then depression in late teens--asked my mom to see a T, and she said I was fine. Even now, if I mention a T appointment, my mom is like, "Shouldn't you be done with that by now?"

My T has helped me understand some of it by saying my parents and I weren't a good fit in terms of personality. I'm a sensitive introvert (INFP), and my mom tried to make me an extrovert like her, who keeps her feelings inside. I know they tried and just probably didn't understand the various mental illnesses I had--things weren't promoted so much then (I'm in my late 30s). Now, there's ads for antidepressants all over TV, and going to a T/talking about mental health issues is at least somewhat more out in the open. But although my mom knows I've been diagnosed with anxiety and have had depression in the past, she doesn't know about my latest bout with it or much other stuff.

So I'm trying to "reframe" how I saw my childhood. I guess I always just said I had a happy childhood, since, I mean, we were middle class, nice house in suburbs, I had a mom who stayed home, we took regular vacations, etc., so from the outside, seemed like things were great. But as I look back and think of all the suffering I kept quiet (OCD and anxiety), I see a very different kid and childhood. Now that I have my own daughter (who has a few issues of her own), I'm trying very hard to make sure it's a different experience for her.

OK, kinda rambling now, but I'm still trying to work through some of the stuff in therapy. Though I've been seeing my current T for 4 years, we've only starting getting really deep into some of the childhood stuff in the past year, partly as a result of some maternal transference for her and strong paternal (with a little romantic/erotic, too) transference for my marriage counselor and examining some of the reasons/emotions behind that. Which mostly go back to childhood. It's been difficult and painful at times, dredging up old stuff, but I think it will ultimately be beneficial to me and my psyche.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by slbest

I am so sad that my parents don't understand. That frustrates me so much. I've been fearing a lot about when they die. They are in their 60's and my fear surrounds that when they die I'll still have all of this unresolved anger

If that does happen, it's possible to resolve your anger without them; but if you have a therapist to explore that anger, you also have a good chance to work it out with your dad while he's alive. I know that someone in their 60's sounds ancient, but it's far from his final years, unless your dad has some medical condition or dementia.

I don't have a physical disability and my situation is not at all like yours, but my dad died when I was 16 and my mom now has dementia. There is no working out my anger with them, but resolving all that emotion is pretty much an inside job when it comes down to it anyway.

[Walking Man]

I have epilepsy, and a benign brain tumor. It's impossible for other people to understand what it's like, or what my challenges are, including my parents. (I'm 41.)

I think when other people can't relate to your situation they develop coping or "helping" strategies that are often ineffective. If they aren't naturally sympathetic, they may show their concern for you in ways that can be counterproductive. When they are also your parents they may continue parenting you long after they should. Then it's hard for you to respond appropriately, because people never treated you like a "normal" person in the past.

I suggest trying to talk to your dad about it, but don't expect a miracle. It will take time for him to change. Old habits are hard to break. I do think you should try because the way he treats you, and the way you feel about it, are an obstacle to growth in the relationship. If it doesn't work, you may have to just accept him the way he is, but give him a chance first.