[CaptAnonymous]

To fully understand the kind of person I am I think I should explain my form of thinking. Firstly Psycho seems archaic and unnatural just thinking of the very thing makes me feel like I'm in the wrong place am I psycho? Have you ever heard of the Russian's during the Cold days never smiling never showing emotion, thats me in a way I can never show my true personality to no one because I feel that is a weakness, except my fiancé. For example I broke my thumb shrugged it off for over a month thinking it was a bruise, broke a bone in my foot ah thats just fatigue it'll be alright. So basically overly male thinking. However at the same time extremely logical I've always felt that the only thing separating us from animals is the ability to control our emotions and our pain. That in itself these days I'm beginning to wonder, is it logical?

So after all that understand how hard it is to share what I am sharing even though anonymous. However do not pity me, I will not be pitied.

Timeline:
Age 1-9: Excessively anti-authority over hyper.
Age 10: Molested (Is it so if I don't know whats going on but accept it later?) by girls 6 years and older than me.
Age (12?): Diagnosed with ADHD, I call it childhood but whatever, the drugs given destroyed my personality from open and happy to the opposite sad and soulless which continues to this day. I believe they used experimental drugs on me.
Age 15: Molested by a 20yr man, perhaps one might even call it raped.
Entire life time: A father who never taught me anything, over bearing, a life bought to him by hardship and the army, however he had his good moments as well (he had brain damage but from what my aunt has told hes always been mean). A mother who was foreign and difficult to relate to, worked 16 hours a day.
Recently (withing the last few years or so): Debt overly excessive, job swapping constant, bankruptcy, injury on the job, lost apartment, force to move back with parents, fiancé had child (was on birth control), fiancé constantly suffering from her own foreknown stress attacks which in turn raise my stress, being sued, discharged from army, quit a job with earning potential 60k+ because of stress, jobless.

Ok so now the problem I have a daughter, a 7 month old joy of my world. Yet all I can think of is death constantly all through the day all through the night. I feel unmotivated to change my situation. I've suppressed I suppose all these emotions I've forced control over my situation. My age though still young is getting to me. I've locked it all away in a steel box and its starting to rust. I find myself dwelling longer and longer about the ways I could kill myself. I lack the ability to maintain a job knowing that my daughter depends on me I feel empty and hopeless for me and her. I can do nothing but dwell...am I weak? Am I a real father? Am I worth of this life given to me? Who am I, what am I suppose to do? All thats kept me in check is my sense of logic and my firm belief that I can't be weak I am the pillar that holds my house. I am the man I am suppose to be the supporting shoulder. What am I? I find my resolve shamefully lacking.

Now understand my macabre feeling on death or perhaps heavenly? I've have no qualms about dieing and perhaps I'm cowardly for never trying to kill myself perhaps before I ever met my fiance so she and my baby never would have been but now that I've recollected I believe I have tried once or twice. Too cowardly.

I think I'm reaching a zenith, I have no insurance, I have no one I could talk to, I will not talk to someone on the phone who gets paid to report me to the police. I'm losing stability on my emotional state, anger, sorrow, I just can't continue forever like this. What should I do what can I do?

[bipolar_bear]

I am sorry for how much pain you are in and what you have endured in your lifetime. Would you consider seeing a t to help you with all you have on your plate? Many of these issues can be so overwhelming that sometimes having someone to talk to helps.

Please keep yourself safe. And keep posting here for the support we can provide. Please take care and know we are here and we understand.

BB

I"m very sorry you are feeling so bad right now.

The birth of a child brings many new changes and thoughts and worries. It seems the birth of your daughter has been a pivotal pointe for you.

I think you've answered the question about therapy; you recognize that you need it and would benefit so much from it.

You dont' have to have insurance to get help. You can call your local hospital and tell them what you need and that you have no insurance; they have resources they can refer you to. Also check your phone book for community mental health services in your area.

I found my therapist by doing a Google search to find a psychoanalytic institute near me. I contacted them for a therapist in my area. She offered me a reduced rate since she is not covered on my insurance.

So, make these calls, tell about yourself as you have here and that you have no insurance and see what you find.

What we need to do to improve our lives is to get into good therapy (here's a great site to read about psychotherapy: www.guidetopsychology.com ) and go from there. It's obvious that you love your daughter and you want to be her healthy happy Dad. That's a great place to start!

[blah__x]

hold on your stronger than you think

tc,
Gabriel

[CaptAnonymous]

Thank you I'll definitely look into these resources and see what I can come up with.

[tranquility]

Great advice from Echoes!

Sorry you are feeling so bad - it can be better and I'll keep you in my thoughts.

One positive thing to hold on to is that you have a beautiful daughter that you can focus on.

Tranquility