Going back to a past therapist

Hi guys,

So my therapy trifecta never ends.

I terminated with my therapist (T1) had been seeing for years and whom I was very close to (I moved states and she doesn't do long distance). Two years ago, her and my relationship was put on pause for about eight months when I was hospitalized and forced to see a hospital-recommended therapist (T2) for follow-up care. I then was reunited with T1 and saw her until the summer. I then saw another therapist (T3) briefly that I connected with right away but had to stop seeing her due to my parents' dislike of our relationship (they thought I got attached too quickly).

Anyways, I haven't found a new therapist yet. I've been at college for almost a month now, and it's been rocky. I do think that I could benefit from having a therapist, just to muddle through the stresses of life with. However, I had two past psychiatrists and three past therapists searching for referrals in my area with no results. No connections whatsoever. From what I understand, there are not many professionals in this town (it's a very small college town) and the ones that there are, are nothing special. I want a CBT therapist trained in ERP (exposure response prevention) for OCD. I have gotten a list of referrals from the school counseling office but all of them are MFTs with the exception of one PhD. I've also spoken in person with the director of psychiatry here at the school and she asked me what she could do to help me in my search. I asked her if she could give me a recommendation (off the list) of someone that she could recommend as more than just a name on a list. She said "Please meet with one of the therapists to whom you've been referred. I don't have any other suggestions". What the heck? The director of psychiatry doesn't even know the professionals working in the town that she lives in? What kind of bad networking is that?

Anyways, I've gotten back in touch with T2. The one I was forced to see, and for whom I was forced to terminate with T1, after I was discharged from residential treatment. As those of who've been on here for a while know, I hated this therapist. A lot. Back then, I hated her because in my eyes, she was the reason why I was not allowed to see T1. She was the one who "ruined my life". Now, I don't see it in quite such extreme terms but I do associate her still with a negative chapter in my life. Anyways, she is willing to do long distance and although she is not covered by insurance, she is willing to do a sliding scale. She knows me (saving me the hassle of explaining my life story to someone new), she has the credentials I seek (because the hospital made sure that I was going to someone with experience in OCD), and she is available. Right now she seems like the best option.

I'm just worried though because I feel like in some way, going back to her would mean that the hospital "won". They always said she was a better therapist than T1, that T1 wasn't good enough for me, that she failed to do her job, etc. I still argue that it wasn't her lack of effort, she simply wasn't trained for difficult cases of OCD. Anyways, that's besides the point. I feel like if I go back to T2, it's like admitting that she was the right choice all along, that I finally am agreeing that she is the better one, that all of my arguing to go back to T1 was in vain, etc. I feel like the hospital and her and smiling smugly behind my back.

Is this ridiculous? Am I self-sabotaging myself because of ego? Am I avoiding a chance to grow and make new connections by choosing to go back to someone whom I already know or am I being smart by not adding the stress of taking a gamble on a new therapist? What do I do?

I don't think you are being ridiculous, but maybe you could look at it a little differently: she was not the right T for you then, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she's not right for you now (based on what you write here). People change and our situations change. The hospital is not going to know, or, quite frankly, care. And if they should notice and make the connection, they would be pleased rather than smug, I believe. Avoiding the stress might be a smart move; if you find that T2 still is not a good T for you, you will still have the option of looking for another one.

Just my opinion, of course.

I wish you all the best. What a dilemma!

I think going back to T2 sounds like a smart decision. If you can't find a T in your area with the credentials that you need, then doing long-distance with T2 makes a lot of sense. Personally, I would not see an MFT either because they just aren't going to practice the modality or have the training that I need. I also think there is a real benefit to seeing someone who already knows your story. Why would you want to start "all over again" if you don't have to? I do not see it as the hospital winning in any way. I see it as you making a smart decision for yourself.

I just can't shake the feeling that I'm giving in, and I'm agree to what they always said was "right" in the first place. I have no real other options and that makes me angry because I feel like they are indirectly forcing me to see T2, which is irrational, I know. But I wouldn't have this issue of finding a new therapist and all these trust issues if it wasn't from my experience in residential with them.

Try not to throw this mental obstacle in your own way. Situations and outlooks change for people all the time. This isn't a competition to anyone but you. Accept the help. Be grateful it is there for you.

If T1 were available, who would you "see" (long distance)?