Silence

Last session T suggested we would spent a session in silence. I asked how that would be useful. She said that I wouldn't have to talk but she'd still 'be there for me'.

It sounded like a load of crap to me. What use is sitting there staring at each other? I get that natural silences in session can be useful, when they happen - but "let's not talk today but just stare into space"? I can do that by myself. No need for a T for that.

What do you think?

I would HATE it. I suppose if you are the type of person who hates to be alone and to have it quiet because you mind tends to wander it could be good to have T there to help you through those uncomfortable times..I guess...BTW I hate the quiet.

Yes, I choose when I prefer silence. Coming from me it produces something from within me. Coming from T it misses is aim.

that seems really hokey to me

I think the T is trying to help, but I would want to choose when to be silent. Hopefully she will be open to discussion on this and will be respectful of your needs and wishes.

Might be a difference of opinion from everyone else but there was one session where I went in and asked that we just sit together no talking I just wanted her to be present and sit with me. I won't forget it. Of course, this was when I wanted to do it, she'd never suggest it. I actually want to do it again sometime. It was, refreshing and calm. I might sound hokey but I don't know how else to put it.

I could totally see how companionable silence could be even a profound experience if the client wanted it. Ellahmae, your experience sounds great!

i don't think I would be up for an entire session of silence at my therapist's request, however. I have a lot to say, and I feel like that kind of thing should be up to me to suggest.

Don't think I would like the silence, would make me feel anxious.

Sounds like an easy way to make a buck.

Seriously though, it would be a waste of time and money for me. I don't go to therapy to just sit. I go to work. If I just want to sit in silence I can do that on my own and not have to pay someone.

I could see maybe just taking 5-10 minutes of silence, just to be present with each other, but I can't see doing a whole session. If you don't like the idea, then just tell her you'd rather talk. Or could try it for a little bit, then switch to talking if you're not finding it helpful.

I went to a Buddhist counselor life-coach person. He wanted us to meditate together at the beginning of every 50 minute session for 10 to 15 minutes. I did it once but couldn't relax because I was monitoring how much money I was spending on meditating. After that I told him I wanted the full session of talking, and no meditating, but that I would meditate before coming to the session. He was very obviously miffed, and our therapeutic relationship didn't last long after that. (I was paying out-of-pocket and to this day regret the money I spent on those sessions. He charged a lot!)

I cannot stand silence. There's no way I could tolerate a WHOLE session without talking.

I wouldn't spend a whole session in silence. Not a paid session.

Hmmmm I read this a little differently obviously not knowing context or how other sessions have gone but one possible interpretation:

She said you WOULDN'T HAVE to talk. Is she maybe thinking that you are forcing things out to talk about in therapy rather than them just flowing naturally? That sounds like she is saying that when you are there in silence she is there for you no matter what & if something does come out in the silence then it might come more naturally than when we feel we have to bring something up & out it therapy...sounds like she's seeking a more natural flow to your therapy.....just a possible guess from a possible different perspective.

Really? You've never worked with silence in therapy? That's an important part of the work too. Understanding what the silence meant for you. Silence also enables whatever needs to 'come out' to do so. I'm surprised you're not familiar with it

But this wasn't about a natural silence. I believe it can be helpful to be silent for a few minutes or even longer in therapy, if you're thinking about something. Or processing, or .. But saying "we aren't going to talk today" is not allowing me to talk. The silence wouldn't mean anything as it was forced. Nothing would come out, as nothing would be allowed to come out as we would have to be silent.

I wouldn't be okay with it if T told me that we weren't going to talk, that would bother me. However, if I just need her safety and a mental/physical safe place to just be, I have it. Not thinking or doing or talking just sitting in comfort and safety was a huge benefit to me at that time. I also think it is largely due to the relationship that T and I have as well that I feel safe enough with her to relax and let my defenses down and not have to use my mind or think or talk or always be analyzing. It was refreshing and helped tremendously.

I'd want to know more. Is the idea for it to be an exposure therapy, if it's perceived you have some struggle with silence? Whatever the idea of it, why would the initial target for it be for it to last a whole session, if you've never even done it for a shorter period?

I feel like it has more chance of being beneficial to the therapist's process, than to you in the moment although I'm certainly not suggesting there's nothing to be gained. But there's a lot that can be observed by a person's behavior in silence. Insecurities, habits, etc. If it was me I wouldn't want to be in a fishbowl like that for an entire session. Being silent for over a half an hour in another person's presence when there's no individual or participative activities going on, not even a meditation, isn't a particularly normal experience, and could certainly be unsettling. I'd want to at least know the goal.

T didn't explain. But it might have been because I have expressed that I think the last few sessions have been pretty useless. Maybe she thinks that if talking isn't helping, we should just be silent?

Thanks, vonmoxie, you made me think.

Breadfish, it sounds like your gut reaction is that you don't really want to do this silence? If that's the case, I think maybe talk to your T about that. As go moxie says, it could be quite triggering or disturbing for you, especially if you and T haven't set out the 'rules' and boundaries first.

This summer, I think T and I got bogged in some transference stuff around my Mum...anyway, one session I just couldn't speak. I couldn't. T normally helps me out if I'm silent for a long time, especially as she says I can dissociate, but this time she didn't, she left me in it for nearly the whole session. She said it might be helpful to see what the silence brought, but it made me feel awful. Lost and helpless. A short silence I find helpful, to process or just see where I'm going, but this was debilitating.

I think I'd be uncomfortable and bored (and uncomfortable because I'd be bored), and that after a few minutes, I'd just leave. (Well, I'd sent my T away - she comes to my home, so me leaving would be a bit weird) Or take out my phone and play solitaire.

I don't want to do the silence thing because I don't see its purpose. And I'm not going to be uncomfortable and bored for no reason.

Nope. No need to sit there in silence. That may be important to some people, but it wasn't necessary for my therapy. I was able to get out whatever needed to come out in other ways.

ETA: I do silence, but I don't do it in session. I prefer those times of silence to be when I am completely on my own, perhaps with a beautiful piece of music playing softly nearby. So yes, I'm quite familiar with it and understand what silence means for me; it just isn't something I would ever choose to do in session.

I didn't read all the replies.... but some of my sessions are more silence than not. I find myself still working within the silence.... often I'm very anxious, shaking, or fighting tears, or actually crying. My T will watch. Sometimes she'll talk, sometimes not. But I know she can see the "work" I'm doing in calming myself down (by my breathing, which she pays close attention to), or in feeling things and just letting myself cry. I doubt I would allow myself to do something like this if I were paying for my sessions...but my insurance itself is quite expensive, and pays for my therapy, so I definitely make use of it. So although my T is paid to sit with me, I sometimes tend to forget, because there are never bills, or money exchanging hands. I don't mind sessions in silence. I think it bothers my T more than it bothers me...yet she's pretty good about it. I think she "gets it." Sometimes just "being," but not having to be alone, is therapeutic enough. I'll feel pathetic that I need to pay someone for that...but it is what it is I guess!

I would guess that "let's spend the next session in silence" means the next session may be focused on talking about how silence is uncomfortable and why it is so. As a therapist I don't think literally spending a whole session in silence would be particularly helpful.. Heck, we get plenty of silence with no-shows!

In your usual sessions, do you tend to focus on your emotions? Do you usually find sessions to be cathartic or enlightening or intense in some way? I just wonder if your T may think you tend to distract from the work that's neccessary by filling sessions with chatter? I don't know the purpose of your sessions, but you've alluded to past trauma. If any of this rings true, she may be trying to use silence as an experiment to see what comes up if the distractions are unavailable.

I had lots of silence in sessions over the years (though not deliberate) and I think one of the most helpful traits of my T was in using my silence to provoke emotion, to give me space to recognize emotion, to witness emotion, and to support the alliance between us.