[needyoumorethanme25]

I really hope I get plenty of responses on this. The question is short but crucial for me right now. I have been in therapy for almost 2 months now. I have revealed more than I have ever with anyone and feel comfortable in continuing to do so. In other words this man is an excellent therapist! Now, with that being said it doesn't help he is a few years older than me i am 25 him 28. He has a doctorate and is already successful so for obvious reasons I also admire him, and he is attractive and our humor clicks. With that being said, I am starting to have intense feelings for him. Mainly because he so gooooood at giving me what I need in therapy and the changes I have made in 2 months are phenomenal. I have no intention on mentioning this in therapy, I know why this transference is happening and I plan very well to bring that into therapy without directly bringing up the transference, because I know for some it is a way to subconsciously deter from losing themselves in therapy its a great distraction.. and I DONT want that. I really want healing. Now, my concern is... I read somewhere and only in one place that therapists can usually detect signs of transference. This is abrupt and I just started feeling this way the last session. But the general consensus is the signs of transference start happening well before the patient is aware of them. He is also highly intelligent and very intuitive. What are the signs of early onset transference, and are therapists trained to recognize them?

[CantExplain]

Transference is the normal and natural expectation that future relationships will be similar to past ones. There's nothing sinister in that.

Therapists expect transference and certainly do nothing to discourage it. It is a way to get your outside relationships into the lab where they can be studied and worked on.

If you are feeling romantic thoughts towards your therapist, that is fairly normal too. Your T should remind you that it can only be a fantasy. But it is a good opportunity to talk about romance, sex, desrire, fantasy, feeling safe, etc.

I wonder if you are trying to "control" the relationship, and to decide what you may and may not feel. T may have other ideas. I see some stormy sessions in your future! But that can be good too.

[needyoumorethanme25]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Transference is the normal and natural expectation that future relationships will be similar to past ones. There's nothing sinister in that.

Therapists expect transference and certainly do nothing to discourage it. It is a way to get your outside relationships into the lab where they can be studied and worked on.

If you are feeling romantic thoughts towards your therapist, that is fairly normal too. Your T should remind you that it can only be a fantasy. But it is a good opportunity to talk about romance, sex, desrire, fantasy, feeling safe, etc.

I wonder if you are trying to "control" the relationship, and to decide what you may and may not feel. T may have other ideas. I see some stormy sessions in your future! But that can be good too.

I actually posted this in another forum, because I need all the advice I can get. So I'm just going to copy and paste a more in depth answer as to what I am going through that I posted on that other website maybe it will give you some ideas. And thanks so much for responding. My transference is mostly erotic as of right now btw.

I have been in therapy several times before, and have only had transference one other time. This transference was highly obsessive from the beginning, he was fat and balding (so a lot of shame came with it b/c there is NO chance I would feel attraction to him in the non-fantasy world and he was late 30s early 40s I was only 16. In contrast, to feeling transference with the current therapist who is actually attractive and my age), and I have great reason to believe he was crossing boundaries and experiencing counter transference (talking about mostly himself, trying to impress me, telling me I am beautiful or stunning, highly intelligent, and when I left abruptly he panicked and would call my home and my parents threatening to have me admitted b/c this was about 5 months after a suicide attempt in another state).

This is a lot different. Because our work has been so positive for me, it is almost freeing. I also don't have feelings of falling in love with him. My feelings are: we would make great friends outside of therapy, and that he has just the right personality type I like for that. Not too sensitive, can be stern when needed, but still genuinely a caring and loving person. It's like I have two very different types of transference for him. One: is the friendship fantasy I previously mentioned.. and the other: is highly erotic and sexual. Being in love isn't one of the options it's either friends or being someone he highly desires and cannot resist is the other.

The first fantasy I had of him he was performing cunnilingus on me in his office at his initiation. After then accumulating several branches of this fantasy of him, the fantasy then switched and became him just holding me and nurturing me in bed. Nothing sexual just really accepting me. That feeling of him just completely accepting me as a person I cannot describe the intensity and love feelings that come with that fantasy. It was truly beautiful. My reasoning for not bringing it into therapy even though, intuitively, I surmise those two conflicting fantasies about him reveal much, some of which I don't understand, I would obviously need help understanding them, anyway, my reasoning is because 1. I have a problem with all past relationships being high energy on my end and little reciprocation from the other. Part of the reason I am in therapy is to eradicate the damage from the last relationship dynamic I had, in other words, I cannot bear another rejection after just recently pulling myself from the depths of hell grievance of an ex. 2. I don't want it in any way to affect the progress that has been made 3. I feel like materializing my feelings for him will cause the feelings to grow more intense... my secret need for him to admit he feels the same or is attracted to me. Because even though I recognize he cannot do that, and I cannot expect that, my normal pattern is to want that validation and reciprocation of feelings. I will constantly be guessing and wondering what he "REALLY" felt when I told him the news.. lol or if he is experiencing counter transference or attracted to me and bla bla bla all that icky obsessive stuff. And I know myself well enough that I will wonder. Right now I do to a degree, but if I verbalize my feelings (and my trust issues coming into play) whatever response he gives me I am going to question erratically and annoyingly.

3: our dynamic is of excellent quality right now, and I in now way want to compromise that. I highly respect his professionalism and his insight. I feel it is somewhat degrading and insulting to deter from the great help he can give me by bringing up something superficial like sex (which is a great problem of mine to begin with) and I have an inkling he will feel the same.. and in my recognition of this truth that I also feel and understand as a valid response.. I will still be greatly hurt because I do still want him to at least be experiencing loving feelings towards me.. as it certainly seems so.. but who knows? With transference things are not always quite what they seem. It just seems insulting to the work to possibly compromise it with such a confession.

4. I don't want him to be uncomfortable by me.. or thinking I am obsessing or stalking. or made uncomfortable by me and refer me to another doctor due to whatever ethics he has, as I have no clue what is training is on the subject. I don't want to risk losing him when he is the first therapist that has facilitated change in me. It is so hard to find someone who can inspire you in that way to really change, and convince you that you can do it... until things start materializing and you're like "HOLY S***!! This is working!!" In fact I have never experienced this with ANY therapist. Its important this relationship does not dissolve for the time being.

Any thoughts? And any signs of transference you or anyone else can infer a therapist might pick up on? sorry for the lengthy texts, but hey!! I used to never divulge so this is another huge step in therapy for me!

[needyoumorethanme25]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Transference is the normal and natural expectation that future relationships will be similar to past ones. There's nothing sinister in that.

Therapists expect transference and certainly do nothing to discourage it. It is a way to get your outside relationships into the lab where they can be studied and worked on.

If you are feeling romantic thoughts towards your therapist, that is fairly normal too. Your T should remind you that it can only be a fantasy. But it is a good opportunity to talk about romance, sex, desrire, fantasy, feeling safe, etc.

I wonder if you are trying to "control" the relationship, and to decide what you may and may not feel. T may have other ideas. I see some stormy sessions in your future! But that can be good too.

Also I have to respond.. to this too. No one has brought up this idea of control. And I think you hit the nail on the head. I have serious control issues. So I absolutely agree with that.

In the four years I've been seeing T, I've had all sorts of transference with him...and all sorts of feelings, from anger to parental love to fear to "erotic" ones. It always comes back to parental transference for me, but it seems like every type of transference is fair game at some point.

Transference is such a normal phenomenon. We experience it all the time in our everyday life. I notice it a lot more now that I've been in therapy...when I react to my H like he's my angry mom, for example...but from what I've read, it's just part of how we operate.

My guess is that if you have a good therapist, he won't lose respect for you or become scared of you if you admit your feelings for him. In my experience, the more honest I am with T, the MORE he respects me, the closer our relationship grows, and the more I move forward in my therapy. The feelings you are having contain important information, and getting to the bottom of that information will help you with your relationships outside of the therapy room.

As for your question about signs of transference...I honestly have no idea. I would imagine it's different for everyone. But my guess is, the more you start trying to control the way you present yourself, the less genuine healing you'll be able to do in therapy....it seems like you would be so busy trying to hide your feelings or present yourself a certain way that the real, authentic you might get lost. Therapy is the one place we can and should be exactly how we are.

I went through a short phase of feeling erotic transference for my T, and I was horrified...it was the last thing I wanted to feel. When I finally forced myself to talk about it, it was such a good thing. I was able to find out that all of my feelings are okay, and that therapy would remain a safe place no matter what. And for me, just getting the feelings out in the open and looking at them did a lot to calm them down and I was able to keep moving forward in therapy.

[ECHOES]

You seem to think transference is about physical attraction, but that is another thing altogether.

[SoupDragon]

I was thinking about your question and then started to wonder whether you are concerned that he has already picked up on this and what the consequences for you would be if he had?

[elliemay]

IMO feelings are what they are. Trying to stop them is like trying to stop a train. They aren't good or bad, and usually there is a reason underneath them. Exploring that reason may prove to be a powerful focus of your therapy rather than a distraction from it.

I would definitely try not to be too hard on yourself about the erotic transference thing okay? You know how people get to animals to mate in captivity? They simply put them together and walk away. Now, add to that intimate feelings flying about and WHAM! you've set the stage for some pretty strong and passionate stuff. It happens. It's human nature. Try to rest easy with it. Those feelings can exist in that room and they don't have to spoil, or disrupt anything. The boundaries are there for a reason - to protect you both. Trust them and trust yourself.

You're not going to stalk this guy unless you give yourself permission to do it, and IMO the best way to end up stalking him is to push those feelings down.

Does your therapist already know? That's hard to say. It's okay even if he does don't you think?

One thing I am going to put out there right now, and this was something that ultimately resolved the "transference" for me permanently.

Your experience of therapy is dramatically different from that of your therapist. The flow of intimacy is, at its heart, one way. Your therapist is simply not going to experience you the way you experience him and that is perfectly okay. The relationship that you two establish with each other is still mutual (albeit different in perspective) and good enough.

The way you feel is wonderful and part of therapy for some. Try to relax against it and enjoy the way you feel. Accept it for what it is.

And the standard psychcentral advice - talk to your therapist about it.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by needyoumorethanme25

Also I have to respond.. to this too. No one has brought up this idea of control. And I think you hit the nail on the head. I have serious control issues. So I absolutely agree with that.

Well, I was primed to see that because I have serious control issues. I fought my T for two years before I came to accept that I could be safe in a relationship I didn't control.

[WikidPissah]

I can't really answer your question, but I have been thinking about it and came up with a thought. Men usually know when a woman is into them. It's called feremones (???) We give off an air, unconsciously. A look, a smile, a laugh. We posture ourselves differently. Given the intimacy of the therapeutic relationship it makes sense that T would pick up on this stuff. Especially since T's look at the whole person, how your dressed from week to week etc. I had a T once tell me he knew I was depressed because I hadn't been wearing earrings for a couple of weeks. They see stuff before we say it, powers of observation.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

They see stuff before we say it, powers of observation.

I believe this is true, too. They also have a bunch of training in nonverbal communication, and my cursory reading of that literature suggests that it's pretty easy to tell the signs of female to male attention.

Talk about it-- it might be fun and more importantly, you might learn something about yourself that would progress your therapy more.

Anne

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

I can't really answer your question, but I have been thinking about it and came up with a thought. Men usually know when a woman is into them. It's called feremones (???) We give off an air, unconsciously. A look, a smile, a laugh. We posture ourselves differently. Given the intimacy of the therapeutic relationship it makes sense that T would pick up on this stuff. Especially since T's look at the whole person, how your dressed from week to week etc. I had a T once tell me he knew I was depressed because I hadn't been wearing earrings for a couple of weeks. They see stuff before we say it, powers of observation.

I think they know us pretty well. They ought to - we've been telling them our innermost secrets for years!

But I also think they have been trained not to presume too much. "I may think I know this patient, and there are some things I'm pretty sure of that the patient doesn't know herself. Nevertheless, I must always remember that this is an illusion. I must always be prepared to change my mind. Some of things I 'know' are wrong, and I will harm the patient if I cling too hard to this false knowledge."

That's my fantasy.

[stopdog]

"But I also think they have been trained not to presume too much. "I may think I know this patient, and there are some things I'm pretty sure of that the patient doesn't know herself. Nevertheless, I must always remember that this is an illusion. I must always be prepared to change my mind. Some of things I 'know' are wrong, and I will harm the patient if I cling too hard to this false knowledge."

A nice fantasy but I do not believe there are many of them out there that think in that way.

[Restin]

EllieMay: I got a good chuckle over the way you described how to get animals to mate!