[1stepatatime]

Three days until my session. I had posted about ten days ago how my therapist dismissed me. If you read it you'll know the details . So here it is Saturday the 28th and my issue is I'm not completely sure how I will articulate my anger, hurt, feelings of being dismissed when I see her on Tuesday. It might be easy for some to confront and let it all flow but sometimes that is difficult for me. In the past I have been able to tell her how I feel but usually not without holding back to some degree. A concern is that she will actually validate why she said "it's time to go" in such a cold fashion and I won't have an immediate response, I tend to freeze up during confrontation. I have insecurities if you haven't already figured that one out ...lol
I'm wondering how you all would approach this , trying to soak up some strategies so that I'm prepared on Tuesday... Thanks!!

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

Three days until my session. I had posted about ten days ago how my therapist dismissed me. If you read it you'll know the details . So here it is Saturday the 28th and my issue is I'm not completely sure how I will articulate my anger, hurt, feelings of being dismissed when I see her on Tuesday. It might be easy for some to confront and let it all flow but sometimes that is difficult for me. In the past I have been able to tell her how I feel but usually not without holding back to some degree. A concern is that she will actually validate why she said "it's time to go" in such a cold fashion and I won't have an immediate response, I tend to freeze up during confrontation. I have insecurities if you haven't already figured that one out ...lol
I'm wondering how you all would approach this , trying to soak up some strategies so that I'm prepared on Tuesday... Thanks!!

I've been in this situation myself as a therapist, where I felt like the patient dismissed me at the end of the session. So next time, at the beginning of the session this is what I said: "Hey, you know I feel kinda silly starting off with this today, but since this is therapy, i figured I'd bring it up and check-in with you about it. When you left last session, and you told me 'good bye doctor', I felt like you told me that in a dismissing and almost insincere way. Could we work on this?"

[stopdog]

I will never believe a client needs to take care of a therapist and if a therapist feels dismissed, perhaps they need to look at themselves more closely. I would not care if a therapist felt dismissed. I certainly would not call one of those guys dr. And I don't say good bye - I just stand up and walk out so I doubt it would come up.

OP - would it be easier to write it out and give to the therapist?

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

Three days until my session. I had posted about ten days ago how my therapist dismissed me. If you read it you'll know the details . So here it is Saturday the 28th and my issue is I'm not completely sure how I will articulate my anger, hurt, feelings of being dismissed when I see her on Tuesday. It might be easy for some to confront and let it all flow but sometimes that is difficult for me. In the past I have been able to tell her how I feel but usually not without holding back to some degree. A concern is that she will actually validate why she said "it's time to go" in such a cold fashion and I won't have an immediate response, I tend to freeze up during confrontation. I have insecurities if you haven't already figured that one out ...lol
I'm wondering how you all would approach this , trying to soak up some strategies so that I'm prepared on Tuesday... Thanks!!

It sounds as though you are quite attuned to your own emotions and where the issues might lie in instigating this conversation with your T. It will probably be useful to make your T aware of just how difficult the conversation is for you, and to take your time. I would hope she would be able to handle the situation sensitively and in a contained way in order to make you feel safer and reduce anxiety. I like Stopdog's idea of writing things down if it is helpful for you.
I also join her in questioning the usefulness of the above example; a therapist feeling dismissed by a client is a very different situation for many reasons.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Permacultural

I've been in this situation myself as a therapist, where I felt like the patient dismissed me at the end of the session. So next time, at the beginning of the session this is what I said: "Hey, you know I feel kinda silly starting off with this today, but since this is therapy, i figured I'd bring it up and check-in with you about it. When you left last session, and you told me 'good bye doctor', I felt like you told me that in a dismissing and almost insincere way. Could we work on this?"

. I have to agree with stopdog .. A client is not responsible for the therapists emotions, it's more the opposite . Having said that I am never intentionally disrespectful towards my therapist or anyone for that matter.

[BudFox]

I can relate to your apprehension and it seems pretty normal. For me the anticipation would create all sorts of issues, and the confrontation too. I used to sometimes write down notes ahead of time in case my brain locked up. I wonder if it would help to try to remember what people on this forum have said, about feeling same as you in response to her behavior, to lessen the self doubt. w

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by Permacultural

I've been in this situation myself as a therapist, where I felt like the patient dismissed me at the end of the session. So next time, at the beginning of the session this is what I said: "Hey, you know I feel kinda silly starting off with this today, but since this is therapy, i figured I'd bring it up and check-in with you about it. When you left last session, and you told me 'good bye doctor', I felt like you told me that in a dismissing and almost insincere way. Could we work on this?"

The problem with this situation is that it's not your therapy. It could very well be that you were reading something into the person's tone that's more about you; in which case, you could take it up with a therapist of your own. And, if it were the case that the individual was being insincere with you, is that really for you to judge or initiate a discussion about?

In my experience, therapy works when the individual is respected and given space to self-reflect in her own time (unless it's an agreement between the two that a passive-aggressive style of therapy is the way to go).

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by Permacultural

I've been in this situation myself as a therapist, where I felt like the patient dismissed me at the end of the session. So next time, at the beginning of the session this is what I said: "Hey, you know I feel kinda silly starting off with this today, but since this is therapy, i figured I'd bring it up and check-in with you about it. When you left last session, and you told me 'good bye doctor', I felt like you told me that in a dismissing and almost insincere way. Could we work on this?"

While I think it's common human decency to be civil to other people, therapist or not, a therapist being dismissive is still more problematic than a the other way around. Clients should not have to worry about how their tone affects a therapist since therapy is the one place where it's all about the client. The only time I'd say it's different is if social skills training is part of the therapy.

I find it easier to email T rather than confront in person. Maybe you can write down how you feel and give it to your T. I know sometimes I get to talking and don't really ever say what I intended to. If you have it on paper, you can make sure you say everything you want to get out in the open.

Are you even sure your therapist is aware of how you perceived the end of that session? I ask because you might be prepared that how you perceived it and how the therapist perceived it may not sync up. I know you sent an email but the therapist hadn't responded if I remember right. Is it possible the email didn't get to her for some reason?

Definitely discuss how the end of the session felt to you, but also be prepared that there might be another perspective to the situation. That doesn't change how you felt at the time, but it might change your own perspective somewhat.

[SkyscraperMeow]

I'm wondering if there's not a strong connection between abandonment experiences on this forum and the fact that a lot of people seem to think they have no responsibility to treat the therapist in a respectful, human manner.

In most therapy, the work is done in the relationship between therapist and client. This means that yes, although the therapy is about and for the client, the client can still hurt the therapist, or behave in ways which are wildly inappropriate and will eventually find them on the wrong side of a termination.

Therapy is many things, but it is not a get out of social responsibility free card.

I genuinely think people are confused between therapy being a safe space to explore their feelings and needs and traumas, etc, and therapy being a free for all where how they treat the therapist doesn't matter.

How you relate to and treat your therapist matters. That doesn't mean the therapy should be about them, but it does mean that they are trained to notice how you make them feel as well, and to reflect it back at you.

That said, I don't think clients should be doormats, and I don't think there's any reason why a simple statement of 'I felt dismissed' wouldn't suffice as a jumping off point for a conversation.

[stopdog]

Indeed if the therapist does not object, I have no idea why how I go about it so distresses anyone here. Dangerous just makes me laugh and certainly gives me more power than I have. Ideas are not dangerous. I asked the woman, at the first appointment, what were the rules. She said pay on time and leave when the appointment time ended and that was all. I merely take her at her word. They set the ballgame up - not clients.
The therapist and I have an understanding. To me, when in the capacity as a therapist - she is Other. I have told her, she knows exactly how I see it. I simply expect the rules to be the same on both sides. She is no more than coldly polite to me, I am the same to her as I see it.
People have different ideas about therapy and may use therapy as they see fit just as I do. I am not trying to stop others in how they do it. I think those guys are the ones who always talk about each dyad is unique.

(And FYI - I don't throw money at the woman - I toss it on the table as I exit-exactly on time and without another word.)

OP - I hope you can tell the therapist in some way about your feelings about being dismissed and I very much hope she listens.

[Pennster]

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

I'm wondering if there's not a strong connection between abandonment experiences on this forum and the fact that a lot of people seem to think they have no responsibility to treat the therapist in a respectful, human manner.

I'm not sure there's any evidence for this, and I think it might be unnecessarily hurtful to people who may have been abandoned by their therapist.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a therapist telling a client they felt dismissed, (though it's important to first analyse whether this feeling has arisen from the therapist's own 'stuff' too, which can be done in supervision) but I do think it is questionable to do so at the beginning of a session, thus setting the agenda and the tone, which should usually be up to the client.
What I find objectionable is a therapist using that example in response to OP's situation as if it is in any way comparable. The therapist's interventions should be in the best interest of the client and thought through therapeutically, whereas the client has no such responsibilities to the therapist. There is also a power imbalance there and possibly other issues for the client which make the comparison completely moot.
I don't think there is any evidence at all that "a lot of people" on here think there is no need to treat there therapist in a human way, in fact, many people on this board have overridingly positive opinions of their therapist (I am one of them).
What another user says about their experiences in therapy should be taken on face value, in this, a support forum. I don't believe anyone has read the poster in question's post and thought "ooh I should treat my T that way too!" so I don't think it's an issue. I think it's important to remember there's a human being behind every username here and it's unhelpful to state unfounded suspicions about anybody's posts.

[Permacultural]

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

. I have to agree with stopdog .. A client is not responsible for the therapists emotions, it's more the opposite . Having said that I am never intentionally disrespectful towards my therapist or anyone for that matter.

I'm not able to give therapeutic advice to specific situations. My post was an attempt to share my opinion as it relates to the original post. I'll try again.

My therapist, at the end of our last session, told me "good bye sir". I left my therapy session, as the client, feeling like my therapist basically just dismissed me. So I decided that I was going to tell my therapist this at the beginning of my next appointment with my therapist:

"Hey, you know I feel kinda silly starting off with this today, but since this is therapy, i figured I'd bring it up and check-in with you about it. When you left last session, and you told me 'good bye sir', I felt like you told me that in a dismissing and almost insincere way. Could we work on this?"

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

I'm wondering if there's not a strong connection between abandonment experiences on this forum and the fact that a lot of people seem to think they have no responsibility to treat the therapist in a respectful, human manner.

I have deep abandonment fears, was in fact abandoned by my therapist, and yet always treated her with respect. I did become rather upset and accusing at times during post-termination interaction and pushed the respect envelope a bit, but she certainly returned the favor. And I was almost always mindful of her point of view and even made a concerted effort to understand the ways in which she herself was wounded by the experience.

I realize some clients are going to be behave badly, but in my experience the process is setup to dehumanize the client, while empowering the therapist.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I will never believe a client needs to take care of a therapist and if a therapist feels dismissed, perhaps they need to look at themselves more closely. I would not care if a therapist felt dismissed. I certainly would not call one of those guys dr. And I don't say good bye - I just stand up and walk out so I doubt it would come up.

OP - would it be easier to write it out and give to the therapist?

. Thanks, Stopdog... Yes, writing out my thoughts might work for me.. I wouldn't feel comfortable reading them to her but maybe review before we meet, thanks again😊

[stopdog]

I often write just to better clarify/word things. The writing part helps me. I wouldn't read aloud either.

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

It sounds as though you are quite attuned to your own emotions and where the issues might lie in instigating this conversation with your T. It will probably be useful to make your T aware of just how difficult the conversation is for you, and to take your time. I would hope she would be able to handle the situation sensitively and in a contained way in order to make you feel safer and reduce anxiety. I like Stopdog's idea of writing things down if it is helpful for you.
I also join her in questioning the usefulness of the above example; a therapist feeling dismissed by a client is a very different situation for many reasons.

Thank you, Echos... I'm really hoping that my therapist is a bit more sensitive from the last time we met. Usually she is although once in a while I look at her and want to say "are you someone new filling in for T?"
I hope that she will put my mind at ease and help me to feel less anxiety and more secure so that my feelings will flow .. Thanks for your support

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by BudFox

I can relate to your apprehension and it seems pretty normal. For me the anticipation would create all sorts of issues, and the confrontation too. I used to sometimes write down notes ahead of time in case my brain locked up. I wonder if it would help to try to remember what people on this forum have said, about feeling same as you in response to her behavior, to lessen the self doubt. w

Thanks, Budfox... Exactly , I'm hoping that thru reading of others experiences that I won't self doubt and have more clarity. This forum can be helpful !

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

While I think it's common human decency to be civil to other people, therapist or not, a therapist being dismissive is still more problematic than a the other way around. Clients should not have to worry about how their tone affects a therapist since therapy is the one place where it's all about the client. The only time I'd say it's different is if social skills training is part of the therapy.

Right... My therapist has always told me that I do not need to ever worry about her feelings and that my hour is about me . She has told me that I can feel free to say whatever I need to say. Of course I would never use that freedom to deliberately hurt her feelings or anger her.. that wouldn't be helpful to my process but the point is I don't need to worry so much about her. Thanks again!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by twistedangel00

I find it easier to email T rather than confront in person. Maybe you can write down how you feel and give it to your T. I know sometimes I get to talking and don't really ever say what I intended to. If you have it on paper, you can make sure you say everything you want to get out in the open.

This is true... While I wouldn't feel comfortable reading to her I could just put it in her hand and say here ya go... Thanks!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Are you even sure your therapist is aware of how you perceived the end of that session? I ask because you might be prepared that how you perceived it and how the therapist perceived it may not sync up. I know you sent an email but the therapist hadn't responded if I remember right. Is it possible the email didn't get to her for some reason?

Definitely discuss how the end of the session felt to you, but also be prepared that there might be another perspective to the situation. That doesn't change how you felt at the time, but it might change your own perspective somewhat.

Hi Lolagrace... I've been working with my therapist for almost three years. I have a pretty good understanding of what she says and how she says it. Of course there is always a slight chance that how I received what she said was not her intent but honestly that is unlikely. The same goes for the email... Always a slight chance that she didn't receive it but what about the second email I sent two days later , she didn't respond to that one either. She may have a totally different feeling on her last words to me before I left that evening but sorry , rudeness is rudeness and you can't sugar coat that or flip it around to mean something else. Thanks!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

I'm wondering if there's not a strong connection between abandonment experiences on this forum and the fact that a lot of people seem to think they have no responsibility to treat the therapist in a respectful, human manner.

I know there's a prominent member on this forum who essentially treats their therapists like doormats, throwing money at them, speaking dismissively, and acting as though therapists are not actually human, but I think that's a very dangerous idea to get on board with. (And frankly, I begin to doubt these tales, as I doubt any therapist would really tolerate the level of scorn portrayed. I have a feeling there's a significant disconnect between what is stated on this forum and what actually plays out in real life.)

In most therapy, the work is done in the relationship between therapist and client. This means that yes, although the therapy is about and for the client, the client can still hurt the therapist, or behave in ways which are wildly inappropriate and will eventually find them on the wrong side of a termination.

Therapy is many things, but it is not a get out of social responsibility free card.

I genuinely think people are confused between therapy being a safe space to explore their feelings and needs and traumas, etc, and therapy being a free for all where how they treat the therapist doesn't matter.

How you relate to and treat your therapist matters. That doesn't mean the therapy should be about them, but it does mean that they are trained to notice how you make them feel as well, and to reflect it back at you.

That said, I don't think clients should be doormats, and I don't think there's any reason why a simple statement of 'I felt dismissed' wouldn't suffice as a jumping off point for a conversation.

You said a lot.. Thanks for your response. I can't speak for anyone else on this forum , just for myself. I like to read about others experiences, sometimes it can be quite helpful, hearing others feedback to my own posts can be beneficial too. I am my own person and conduct myself accordingly. My therapist has told me that I do not need to concern myself with her feelings or her well being. My hour is completely about me. Having said that does not make me a self centered person who is unnecessarily nasty and inappropriate towards my therapist , that serves no purpose. Therapy is the one place where I can say whatever is on my mind and (hopefully) still know that my therapist is still there for me.

Originally Posted by 1stepatatime

She may have a totally different feeling on her last words to me before I left that evening but sorry , rudeness is rudeness and you can't sugar coat that or flip it around to mean something else. Thanks!

No sugar coating going on here. Just thinking there might be a disparity between your perception and her perception. Usually more than one perspective going on. But you seem to have a good idea about your therapist. I hope you will be able to talk it through and get beyond it. Sounds like otherwise you have been okay with your work together. Good luck with your appointment.