I was writing last night about how I feel like a frenzied dog, that is in a cage and barking and growling like crazy and afraid that someone may put their hand in..

I asked myself how does the dog feel if it knew that the hand was to pet him? To help him? The dog felt sick adn still wants to growl and bark and jump at the cage.

Told T this is my fear of getting close to people, I am that dog. I don't want to stop barking and growling. Infact I want my pound of flesh.

T said that is so good to be able to put words to my rage and that wanting to hurt a hand that may want to help me is part of the work we need to get too in T.

I need to destroy T and build her up again and she still be there. I said I feel so strongly I want the right to be able to hurt someone I love as well as love them and know they will still be there.

T also said that instead of being afraid someone would put their hand into the cage, why don't I come out of the cage? I'd not thought of that. SOmehow the cage is my protection, but also maybe my prison too???

I feel so free talking about taking it for granted that I can feel anger at someone/T and they will be ok with it.

The dog has stopped barking this afternoon and deep in contemplation.

[Direction]

Definately some great thinking and metaphor...

[Perna]

I think the cage is what you know; not really a prison, just what's familiar. Who remembers/knows how you ended up in there in the first place!

I'd make wheels for my cage, including a steering wheel and change it into a form of transportation. "Dogs on Wheels" :-)

Check this out: http://www.italian-greyhound.net/social.htm Looks like we'd make really good dogs with our backgrounds :-)

Perna! That link was so useful!!! I relate so much to it! I sit here gobsmacked wondering "%#@&#! what the f**k happened to me" Its unbelievable, all the evidence points to things happening but the mind sometimes just doesn't respond to it, I mean at the end of the day as I alwasy say to T, It was my life, how can we say our lifes were so "wrong?" when thats all we know?

[MissCharlotte]

Mouse said:

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wanting to hurt a hand that may want to help me is

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I do this too! i think it is related to the trust issues you posted in the other thread this morning. If we don't really trust; if we push people away--then we are protecting ourselves from deep hurt and pain.

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I feel so free talking about taking it for granted that I can feel anger at someone/T and they will be ok with it.

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That's realy good Mouse. I am not there yet. I am afraid of being rejected if I express anger.