[coldnovemberrain]

i am just in a weird place right now.

i want to confront T on a couple of things...i want to tell him off...i want to press his buttons...respectfully ofcourse..i want to see will he stay with me...will he still accept me...will he still allow me to come back..
or will he lash back?
will he tell me off?
will he terminate?

yes i want to test him...

i dont just want to talk about it with him..and he will say no i am here...i dont want his words...i want to give him a reason to leave me..and see if he takes it...or not.

if he does leave me..then i have my answer...he never truly wanted to work with me maybe..

i know testing is bad...and it may backfire...but is there any other way around this????
yes, talking about it... but do T's really say whats in thier mind. will he really say i am not so fond of you...i dont like working with you..or whatever...

btw , i dont want to lose him. i just want to make sure he will not drop me in the future..he will not try to find a reason to ..or if he has one...he will stick around and work it out with me.

i just feel insecure...that one day i will not be welcome in his office...

[atisketatasket]

Do you do the same thing with others in your life - testing to see if they'll stay?

Speaking as someone who used to do that, it never ends well, and it doesn't make you feel better. An attentive therapist will see what's going on and refuse to take the bait.

[coldnovemberrain]

well i know as a matter of factly that they will leave...
so i dont push thier buttons..or be myself in front of them.

i think my T is good and will understand...i wish he would take the bait..and decide to stay with me. why wouldnt he do this ?

it would make such a huge difference to someone.

i am guessing his response MAY be along the lines...that this is what i have to offer...take it or leave it...choice is yours...or he can say theres the door..bye.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by coldnovemberrain

btw , i dont want to lose him. i just want to make sure he will not drop me in the future..he will not try to find a reason to ..or if he has one...he will stick around and work it out with me.

i just feel insecure...that one day i will not be welcome in his office...

I've found conversations around that work better for me than testing. Sure, I have difficulty believing the words, but I try to trust my t's with what they say. Sometimes we cover the tips multiple times. I tend to get paranoid and need lots of assurances around that.

No t can guarantee not to leave (that would raise so many red flags for me), because there are no guarantees in life. Circumstances may change, something may happen to t,or t's clinic. My insurance may change, moves happen. Life happens. What I look for when having the conversation with t is an understanding that we will work together as long as possible, and as long as it is more helpful than hurtful (I would expect t to refer me out if they could not meet my needs)... current t and I have talked about this a lot. She promises to do her best in helping me navigate my healing. That's all I can ask...

[unaluna]

No t testing. Like no animal testing! It doesnt work. Its not fair - to the testee or the tester. So why waste time playing games? Its lying, plain and simple. What do you learn from lies?

[stopdog]

I confront the woman all the time and it does not seem to faze her. But if I was worried about it - I would just tell the therapist what you wrote in the OP.

[coldnovemberrain]

stopdog...would u care if she terminated you? its difficult to find someone u connect with on some level...would that upset you? just a lil?

[coldnovemberrain]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

I've found conversations around that work better for me than testing. Sure, I have difficulty believing the words, but I try to trust my t's with what they say. Sometimes we cover the tips multiple times. I tend to get paranoid and need lots of assurances around that.

No t can guarantee not to leave (that would raise so many red flags for me), because there are no guarantees in life. Circumstances may change, something may happen to t,or t's clinic. My insurance may change, moves happen. Life happens. What I look for when having the conversation with t is an understanding that we will work together as long as possible, and as long as it is more helpful than hurtful (I would expect t to refer me out if they could not meet my needs)... current t and I have talked about this a lot. She promises to do her best in helping me navigate my healing. That's all I can ask...

see thats the thing...as crazy as it sounds..i dont want him to refer me out..i want to stay with him...i like talking to him...but what if he feels differently.

[stopdog]

I connect with real people in my life. I could find another therapist if she could not handle being confronted with her failures.
I don't really worry about the therapist - generally I go in on time, I leave on time and I pay in cash each week. If I want to go in and confront her about things - I don't think it bothers her. I doubt she is paying that much attention.

[atisketatasket]

Originally Posted by coldnovemberrain

see thats the thing...as crazy as it sounds..i dont want him to refer me out..i want to stay with him...i like talking to him...but what if he feels differently.

Is the basic problem you don't know how he feels about you and would like to know?

In which case, I'd just ask if it that's important to you.

[coldnovemberrain]

Originally Posted by unaluna

No t testing. Like no animal testing! It doesnt work. Its not fair - to the testee or the tester. So why waste time playing games? Its lying, plain and simple. What do you learn from lies?

when i put this scenario in terms of me and my best friend...it does sound unfair...if she were to test me like this...but i would pass the test...everything being reasonable...
i would do same with T...kind of run the worst case scenario that can take place in future..do a test run now..and see what happens..

yeah...as i said i am in a weird place right now.

Don't test people like this. It is unfair. It is manipulative. It will drive people away because people don't put up with being used.

Talk. Communicate. Ask questions. Discuss your fears. Be honest. That is what gains respect and is honored and valued by others.

[coldnovemberrain]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Is the basic problem you don't know how he feels about you and would like to know?

In which case, I'd just ask if it that's important to you.

yes. yes. yes.

very important to me.

so childish to ask...and ofcourse i would get a positive response...so why bother asking.

thus. lets Test him...and see what he really reallllyyyyy feels about me.

PS. i know iam being childish and unreasonable

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by coldnovemberrain

yes. yes. yes.
very important to me.
so childish to ask...and ofcourse i would get a positive response...so why bother asking.
thus. lets Test him...and see what he really reallllyyyyy feels about me.

PS. i know iam being childish and unreasonable

What is the childish and unreasonable stuff about? Maybe talk about whats behind that?

[LonesomeTonight]

Kids test their parents like this all the time. They want to make sure that their parents are going to be there/love them no matter what. So that's probably what's behind your thoughts about T. Along with fear of abandonment, etc. Is it possible there's some paternal transference going on? I did a bit of testing with my marriage counselor when I was having some paternal transference with him. I didn't realize what I was doing, and it wasn't to the extreme of what you're wanting to do--more things like admitting that I loved him and asking if that was OK (it was). He called me on the testing thing. And he said it was OK to test him. But he also said he wouldn't keep giving me reassurance because then I'll keep wanting it (apparently the testing is a different thing).

I suggest what a few other people did--talking to him about feeling the need to test him. I'm sure it's not the first time a client will have done that. That would be a better approach than pushing his buttons and basically daring him to leave.

[Suraya]

I agree with most others - don't test him. It's not very mature. It's game-playing and childish. No adult likes to be manipulated and he won't either. It's better to talk to him about your feelings about why you feel like you need to test him and your fears about him leaving.

Therapy is all about manipulation usually on their part though. I do understand why you feel like doing this. It could end up badly or it could end up the way you wish. I don't think it is wrong to test them.

[AllHeart]

I also had done the testing thing but it was subconsciously, and not really confrontational. Once I realized what I was doing I felt like a major, manipulative, immature a-hole. I felt like I had been picking on the one person who had been nothing but good to me and that made me feel like a huge pile of doodoo. I highly do NOT recommend resorting to confrontational testing. It just doesn't make a person feel good in the end (at least it didn't me).

I think it would be hard to push ones buttons...respectfully. Too many unknowns. I would just tell you to be prepared for the consequences, especially if it doesn't get you what you want. Possibly loss of your therapist. My last therapist and I (the adult me), talked about it over and over again because of my fear of losing her. Yes, I did test her, and she was true to her words, "I am here for you. No matter what." We talked about what that statement meant to the adult me, which was totally different than the kid abandonment issues, because if she died or was incapacitated she broke her promise. So I was free to test, project and have transference galore, both negative and positive to work through my issues. She assured me she could take it. She survived, and I healed.

Heed the words of other posters, be an adult (if you can).

I went through a phase of wanting to test my T. Once I realized the reasoning behind wanting to test him, I no longer had the desire to do it. I know it's hard, but be honest with your T. That's the only way to work through this issue.

[coldnovemberrain]

*deep breath *

okay maybe i can do this. i can be adult about it.

its okay to sound needy. to let him know he is important to me even though i may not mean anything to him at all.
to be insecure.

worst he will know i depend on him. He matters to me alot.

(i hope he doesnt ask me why..cuz i dont really know and it will be very uncomfortable discussing why an adult person is so needy for his attention)

i just dont know how to bring this subject about? subtly.

once i can accept (hopefully before my next session) that its okay to let him know he means a lot to me...i can talk this out...

any ideas?

Can you send an email, voicemail, snail mail, giving him heads up that you want to push his buttons and he should ask you next session about it. I did that with other subjects, touch, sex, payment, etc.

Why not print out your first post on this thread? I would think that would get the conversation started.

[AllHeart]

You could possibly start by saying something like, "Hey, so I've been toying with idea of doing something confrontational with you in order to test you because ________. I've chosen not to go that route, but, I do need you to know __________ and that you mean a lot to me."

It's not only ok to sound needy, it's ok to be needy right now. People need people. I tell my t "I need you" when I do need her, and I tell her often how much she means to me. It gives me the sense of safety and security I need to continue to work through my issues with her by my side. She appreciates that I tell her these things. I hope your t does also!

[PinkFlamingo99]

Originally Posted by coldnovemberrain

see thats the thing...as crazy as it sounds..i dont want him to refer me out..i want to stay with him...i like talking to him...but what if he feels differently.

I'm afraid of this too. I'm VERY uncomfortable talking to most people and I don't want to end up with someone I can't talk to. It would be like losing support because I'm not sure I could be honest with the new person.

I would really suggest you talk to him about it. Maybe even ask him if he plans on sticking around. I find asking about things I'm worried about really helps.