Struggling Without T

Of course her daughter should come first! My only complaint was that that she didn't see me at all for 2 weeks. I was not pushing her to invite me to family things. I just made the comment here (and not to her) that I wish, if she was busy all 2 weeks with family stuff, that she would have invited me to one of those events so I could have at least seen her. And she did introduce me to her daughter after 3 months, and I've met her mother and two of her sisters. She initiated those; I never asked. I made the comment (again, only here) about wishing shed invited me to SOMETHING she was doing the last two weeks precisely because I've already met most of the family. I would never ask her to take time away from her daughter; I was simply wishing she could spend some time with me also. It's been 5 months so I don't think it is unrealistic to want to spend more time with her in order to grow the relationship. Ive also been in previous long-term relationships with women who have children, so this isn't new to me. She simply has made less time than previous partners who also have children. But we're talking about it, so I'm hopeful that we can find a compromise.

Oh I see. Not seeing you for two weeks is not right. That would mean person is not available hm either too busy or is up to something like isn't serious. Do talk to her.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This made me think of something I'd read lately:

#620 and #621 Creepy Ladies | Captain Awkward

It's the second letter, particularly the response to it. (Please don't take the term "creepy" to heart. I think she should definitely find a different word to describe this. I dont think you're creepy and I don't think LW is either.)

I think you sound too wonderful Scorpio. Too all-in, too soon. You don't need to make her breakfast in bed or wow her with romantic weekend getaways. Just being you is really great. You don't need to make it perfect or erase yourself as you try to meet her needs. Just date her. Let her set the pace. Slow it down. If her pace is not acceptable to you, then part ways. Let her meet you halfway. Let her initiate sometimes. Let her take care of you a little too. If she never steps up, never initiates, is not interested in your feelings that's important info.

Keep busy with the rest of your life. I know you're a busy person but I mean to make sure there are other homes for your heart/emotions in your life besides your GF. It sounds like you have extremely high expectations (eg that you'd be invited to her niece's birthday party 5 months in) for the relationship but require nothing from her (you'll do everything possible to pamper her and make her happy.) Do you see the problem here?

It's great that you're so thoughtful about her responsibilities as a parent and that you respect how she prioritizes her daughter. It's okay if things aren't 50-50 ALL the time. But there does need to be some kind of reciprocity. Maybe she cannot offer everything that you can offer or everything that you need. And maybe that can be okay if you can accept her right where she's at. But what you cannot do is pedal that tandem bike twice as hard to make up for the fact that she's pedalling so slowly. You either need to slow down and accept that more leisurely pace or get off.

I'm learning this the hard way twenty years and two kids in.

I love captain awkward! Very well put. I dont know if thats what littlemeinside meant, but this is how i took what she said. Just that it be more reciprocal. I know that as a kid, and older, i felt i had to make the overtures. It didnt feel safe to leave the relationship in the hands of the other person. T has made it feel safe.

I don't really understand what the "creepy lady" posts have to do with my situation. They are about a female friend who has a mad crush on her straight female friend and is acting as though they are dating. I'm not sure how that applies to my situation with my gf?

The reason I posted, initially, was because the situation with my gf seemed to take a big "turn" 2 weeks ago. Up until then, the relationship DID feel very equal. She's done a lot of really sweet things for me too, like she made me a picnic at a drive-in movie, gave me an extremely thoughtful b-day gift, took me with on an out-of-town trip to visit a friend, cooked me a lovely dinner at her house, etc. She cooked a dinner for me, so the next time she was at my house, I made breakfast in bed for her. I don't think I'm going over-the-top or that things were, in any way, a one-way street. Honestly, the only reason I even brought up any of the things I did was because another poster asked me what I do FOR HER because, from my initial post, they assumed that I was only concerned about my needs. (I didn't want anyone to get the wrong idea). Also, doing things like making hand-made cards or planning the occasional weekend get-away are things that I ENJOY. They are being "me." If someone isn't into that kind of stuff, then I'm definitely not the right person for them.

Admittedly, two weeks ago, she became busy and was unavailable. That's the first time I felt as though things were unequal and I did question whether she was invested. We talked today, and I think the issue really was that she's having a hard time with her daughter, and that it wasn't about me at all. She just needed to take some time to mend an issue between her and her daughter. This week, she says she has time to spend with me, and that's all I wanted in the first place. I may be a step ahead of her, and I am willing to take a step back.

However, I really don't see things as me pampering her or me having unrealistic expectations. Like I tried to clarify above, I didn't expect an invite to a b-day party or any particular event-- I just made an off-hand comment like "gee, she was busy for 2 straight weeks, she could have taken me along to something!" I had no investment in any particular event; I was just complaining (to the forum, not her) that she didn't make any time for me. After talking with her today, I feel a lot better. I think I assumed her not being available was a sign that she had changed her feelings towards me, but now, I think she really just had a lot of responsibilities. I probably do have to slow down a bit so that we are at the same pace and I can put more investment in my other friends/activities. But from the way she acted today, it seems like she is definitely still interested. That doesn't guarantee that it will work out; it might not. But I no longer think the reason she was unavailable was because she didn't want to see me; I think she was just busy.

It took me 50 years of life. A lot of thinking and help from my t to finally have a fully give and take 50/50 relationship with somebody who is as available as me. If for whatever reason that won't work I will never again accept less than that. I read your posts and recognize old myself in this situation of giving more than I receive. Never again.

Don't settle friend. Do talk and see where it goes, trust your guts, back off and let her come forward and if that's not happening then you deserve better

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

First, I think since you are struggling like this, it may be a good idea to find another T. I know you have been looking, but if it's possible I would still keep at it.

Second, I have some insight into your situation having dated as a single parent and being friends with people in been in a similar situation to yours. Five months is a very short time to start going to family birthday parties and children's events. Parents who are dating are often very guarded when it comes to their children. Not because of anything personal, but because they have to think of the potential emotional risks if things don't work out. Not only would you and your partner be heartbroken, but her daughter might be too. The man I dated for three months never even met my kids, never mind attended any of their events. A friend of mine waited a full year before spending significant time with her partner's kids.

Anyway, my point is that this sounds like the perfect time to have a very important conversation - one that would have come up eventually. Dating single parents can be difficult and frustrating because your partner's children and their needs will always be first priority, no matter how much she loves you. It is a different dynamic and its good to talk about these issues openly with your partner. She very well may not be as attentive to your emotional needs because eh has another person she has to be attentive to as well. It's important to have a clear picture of how you and your patner see the relationship and if you both have the same goals in mind and how quickly they should progress (as far as integration into her family is concerned). It's only fair to you so you know exactly what you are getting yourself and to decide if this is something you can handle and really want to deal with.

I'm still trying to get over the image of one of the therapists in your ex-therapist's practice getting drunk and out of control. And now all I can do is wonder what my therapist is like drunk.

It does seem like a good idea to keep open the possibility of finding a replacement therapist for the relationship stuff. Not that pc isn't an interesting place for advice...just maybe not the kind of interesting that feels good when one is in abandonment trigger mode.

I do agree that a desire to spend time with someone's family and young kid that early on is a bit premature and maybe a bit desperate, but at the same time not wanting to see ones partner for two weeks is a bit much. I'd be concerned if my significant other wanted to take two weeks breaks after 5 months of dating. Kind of fishy. No proper explanation? I'd think he is maybe seeing someone else?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

While I'm not interested in getting a new T, I do agree that PC is probably not the place for advice, especially when I was in abandonment trigger mode but also now that I've talked things through with my gf and feel okay again. It felt like every time I tried to respond to one question that was assuming I was X way, I unintentionally made myself seem totally Y way, and I felt caught in a loop of being endlessly misunderstood. I posted because I wanted someone to listen and maybe give me some advice on what to say to my gf when I talked to her (which some people did!), but most of it felt like an attack on a person who doesn't even resemble me at all. In the future, I think I will stick to talking to people who know me in RL and can therefore give me advice that applies to my particular situation. I don't like feeling defensive and attacked when I'm in abandonment trigger mode, and it just isn't helpful. But this situation proved to me that I have the resources in RL and within me to pull myself out of those feelings. I was able to talk to two of my best friends who have known me for years, and they were able to give me a "reality check" that I'm handling things in a healthy and positive way, and that they've spent time with me and my gf together and can really see the connection and understand the situation. They also reiterated that theyve been telling me for awhile that they don't think I need therapy; I stuck around in therapy because I was so connected to my T and didn't want to give up that relationship. They actually think it's a blessing in disguise that she left her practice and now, if we are meant to have a social relationship, it will develop that way (or not). If I were still in therapy, I would have reached out to my T instead of to my friends in order to talk about this situation, and I wouldn't have had the experience of feeling really "heard" and supported by them. So while posting on here ended up being a bit painful, talking to my friends (and to my gf) felt really good.

It was the second letter that I thought was relevant, not the the first. Scroll down. Of course it may not be relevant either but that's what I thought of.
Im sorry if this made you feel misunderstood. Also glad you spoke to GF and that you feel better.

I am not sure about listening to friends on the subject of seeing or not seeing therapists. People see them for many reasons. I don't have mental illness and am together. I don't appear as I ever need therapy. Couple of people I told I am seeing t were puzzled why would I do so. Just because your friends say you don't need to, might not be a good enough reason. I don't know if you need one or not of course. I agree that asking for help or sharing with the ones that love you would make you feel good while asking strangers might not. It doesn't always mean it is wrong if it doesn't make you feel good right away. Just be careful.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I made the transition from client to friend with my therapist two years ago. And, what was helpful to me was having vetted a few other therapist, and found one that was willing to be on standby. I did not thing I would ever use her, but I did when I took a fall last year that required a major life change. We had four sessions.

Also, I struggled with how much to depend,not to depend on my ex therapist that is now a friend for advice. She was perfectly fine with it, but I would second guess myself. In time I found a nice balance I was comfortable with. I have three people that I can call to talk me down. Really four if I include myself. Four days ago, I had a teenage melt down from my kid in college. I called her first, and left a concerning voicemail. I dealt with the situation, and let her know that I was fine with an email. Last night being the friend that she has become she called me. We spent over an hour talking about how I handled the situation, and how to move forward. We also spoke about how I will handle family when I fly to see them on Friday for three weeks. We had a lot of laughs in between, and spoke about what's happening with her, mostly work related, but some family stuff. Some people may say she was doing therapy, but I feel and will say she was being an intimate friend. An invaluable relationship.

My therapist was aware that the our relationship had to progress, and not just go to a client/friend relationship. My hope for you and your ex therapist is a smooth transition into a comfortable friendship that works for the both of you. It may be a little trickier, because there was not a traditional termination, but I believe much is possible. Despite what some say, these relationships can work just like other friendships if two people are committed.

As a single parent my kid came/comes first, BUT sometimes we need to hear from others when we are neglecting other relationships.

Best wishes and good luck to you.

You know yourself best and and your friends know you better than anyone on here. The situation with your gf is not an uncommon one and obviously you are handling it well. I can see it being frustrating for you when you may be posting based on how you feel inside vs. how you act in reality. The two are often not even remotely the same. Since you ended up using your real life supports then my advice of getting a new T may be way off base - clearly you are well adjusted and handling this situation very well on your own. Maybe what happened with your T really was a blessing in disguise since the decision was made for you. It seems like the relationship will just follow its natural course from here on.