As some of you may recall, when i was writing my last post, my cell phone rang, and when I picked it up... it was T. I was at work so I told him to hold on so I could close the door to my office, when in actuality I was collecting myself so that I wouldn't pass out.

He asked me if I would like to come in a bit later that afternoon.... so I did.

When I got to the session, there was a lot of anger there. I wasn't really aware of it beforehand, but as soon as I got there I was my classic, sarcastic self.

He asked me to free associate about the anger. Told me not to even think about it; just let it go. So I started telling him how I was so mad at him because when the last session ended, I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for two weeks. And now it's not even him going away-- it's me (going to NY to visit family). But the fact that he didn't rearrange his entire schedule, and kick other clients out of their slots, apparently pissed me off. Told him how once again, it %#@&#! pisses me off that I have to feel all the emotion, and all the transference, and he doesn't have to feel anything once I walk out the door.

He told me to keep going. He asked me what I thought of him; what I would call him.

I told him he's a %#@&#! a$$hole, and a prick.

Then I told him how I still didn't feel like I was saying enough. That there's so much emotion inside me, and even all the stuff that I just said, didn't touch that emotion.

So then said... ok... this might seem a bit strange, but look at the painting that you hate (there is a painting on the wall, to the left of me, that he knows I can't stand. It's this painting of a picnic table, set with all the dishes, in this park or something... you can see that there are two chairs in the corner, in the background there is grass, trees, and some stone wall or something). So I look at the painting, and he goes, "You are there. You are at the table. I'm there, too... but I just turn around and walk away... what will you do now?" So I basically just pretended we were in the painting, and described how I felt that he walked away, and what I would say. Then he said, "Ok. Now I have come back... what now? What would you want to do?" I told him that I would just want him to sit next to me at the table. But that i would probably ask him to leave after while, for the fear of getting more and more attached. It was quite remarkable. I responded really well through this method. Afterwards, T asked me if I censored some of the stuff I wanted to say. I told him that I did. There was really so much more I wanted to say. But I wasn't comfortable doing it yet. He asked me if I censored my emotions during it. I said no. And he said he knew that because even though he could tell I was censoring words, all the emotion of how I felt was there, even if I wasn't saying certain things... he could feel all of it, just watching me.

It was %#@&#! hard.

But I told him that I am eager to do more of this in the future. Because I have always responded well through art, music, dreams, and poetry. So we agreed to take this route more often. I see him again a week from tomorrow.

Geez Pinksoil! I, I, think you were really brave going into those emtions! I, I, had tears as I was reading, thats never never happened before!

[lauren_helene]

Hey Pink, that's great! All of it. I'm laughing at him wanting you to call him names. I love that! I'll bet that felt like a huge relief and acceptance of your feelings both good and bad.

I'd love to have a discussion like this with my T. I mentioned this yesterday briefly but he said somewhat what your T said that he knows what I am feeling towards him and has known. He said he thinks I verbalize just fine.

I've been angry and wanted to tell him to take a hike. I came close one day over the insurance stuff. But most of the time, I just want to give him a hug and tell him how cute he is.

I like the painting idea that your T had. The fact that you told him you hate it and he leaves it on the wall says to me that is therapy every session just by itself...

Good for you girl!

[Junerain]

What an open relationship you have with your T. To be able to tell him......"..There's so much more.....even what I just said doesn't touch that emotion...." And then proceed to get even more out- wow!! I believe when you're sitting at the office and the right here & now enters in, free associating with how the two of you are RIGHT THERE, that's ACTIVE therapy, gets you right in there. You write so well and with this attitude you'll get far. Have a nice trip and remember your T will be there pretty soon after right? Where did you find such a good T? Write us and let us know more? Cannot wait to read another posting from you.

[sunrise]

pinksoil, I really like how you and your T used the painting for therapy. I think that technique would work really well with me too. To me, it seems safer to reveal things in that context than "straight out." I sometimes have trouble saying things straight out. For example, I can use a discussion of my dreams to say and reveal things to him that I can't come out and directly say. I think therapy through the painting is similar.

Once, very early on with my T, he used a painting in his office to compare to what I was experiencing in my life. It was a painting of a glorious sunset, and he said to me that divorce is like a sunset. The relationship is setting, sinking from view beneath the horizon, but it is flaming out in beautiful colors, often dying in a blaze. This is what I was experiencing in my marriage, as even though my husband and I were coming to the end, we were having some good times together, the best in years, and it was bewildering and very confusing to me. The sunset painting helped me understand what was happening.

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Because I have always responded well through art, music, dreams, and poetry.

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Do you think you might use art therapy when you are a practicing counselor? My daughter's counselor uses art therapy with her. They paint together sometimes or make collages and talk as they do it, sometimes painting feelings or people or events from her life.