I've been going through a bit of a rough time during the past week and a half or so. As many of you have read, my pdoc prescribed me Cymbalta, to take in addition to my mood stabilizer.

I started the Cymbalta and it did not go well. I won't go into it here because I posted on the Drugs forum, but I had to stay home from my internship today because of the symptoms it caused. In addition, I had two panic attacks today.

My T has been so available through all of this. When I first started to get depressed, I called him. He worked really fast, and called my pdoc several times, then contacted me to let me know what the pdoc said, etc. Told me I could call him any time over the weekend to check in if I wanted. (I didn't, but it was a great offer).

Today I called him to let him know about the Cymbalta fiasco. He immediately called my pdoc, then called me back to say that my pdoc made room in his schedule to see me tomorrow.... and on top of this, T says..... after you see the doctor tomorrow, I'll make some time so we can talk for 20 minutes or so, or at least have a half-session.

Now, I am a bit apprehensive about my pdoc appt. tomorrow. Because there is nothing more to be done. No more AD's. I can't afford to be %#@&#! around with meds and missing out on my work. No %#@&#! way.

And as for my T, he has been so available for me, but I am still having trouble dealing with it. I have so many mixed feelings going on in regards to this availablility and repeated contact with him. Part of me feels guilty, as if I am bothering him. Like he is thinking, "Oh %#@&#!! What does she want now? Can't she just take the meds, suck it up, and shut her mouth?" Then part of me gets enraged at him when I speak with him on the phone and he does not say the exact things that I wish he would say.

Of course I am going to talk about this with him. I don't think I will get to tomorrow-- I'll probably have to wait til Friday. I'm sure that when I see him tomorrow, the short session will be focused on what when with the pdoc, and my response to that.

I hate this crap. The whole day laying on the couch. That's not me anymore. Two panic attacks. No. I have %#@&#! to do all the time, and I have been able to work it so that my crap exists, but mostly alongside of what I need to do--- not within it-- not so that it interferes with it. I pushed myself so hard this morning. I got up, I showered, I got ready for the internship. I kept having to sit on the floor while getting ready cause I felt like I was going to pass out. But I pushed the %#@&#! out of myself, got in the car, went to the store, picked up a few things, and got back into the car.... and realized there was no way. I felt so horrible, could barely stand. I am so mad at myself. My husband told me to stop being mad at myself.... think of all the things I accomplish on a daily basis... that something was very wrong today... and it was necessary to stay home. I feel like a loser. Like I crapped out. Or maybe I should have known better, and shouldn't have taken the stupid medication to begin with.

[Cheri]

Post deleted by Cheri

[ClaireB]

I'm sorry you''re having a rough time with the medication.

[MissCharlotte]

(((Pinksoil)))

What a trooper! My God, you managed to drive your car, go to the store, and speak to T? Admidst all that anxiety/panic?

You are nothing short of amazing, IMO.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, you are so deserving of as much love as you need! Let Pdoc keep working out the med situation and try to have faith that eventually he will get it right. I know it sounds like platitudes but there is a solution for you out there, but you are very sensitive and as long as he is willing to keep working with you, I bet the right med/combination of meds will be found.

I'm so glad that T has made himself so available and that you will have a mini-session tomorrow. I bet once you see him, you will be glad?

Pink, I truly don't see you as a loser. I see you as someone who works tremendously hard, is smart, ambitious and impatient with herself! Hmmmm, reminds me of smoeone else I know Only, when I was your age, I didn't have the self-awareness you have. So, you are ahead of the game!

I know, you need to write a poem about this..........can't wait to read it.

Be good to yourself. Baby yourself, tea, baths, whatever it takes. Better yet, let your hubby baby you. You know, this too shall pass.

Lots of hugs.

Pink, YOu did good gal!

[lauren_helene]

Pink I'm sorry you are feeling bad. I think you are doing very well and have sort of trained your T in what you need. He's giving it to you.

That is the mark of a good therapist in my mind. He's giving it without trampling boundaries.

I feel from your posts that he really believes in you and knows just what you are accomplishing with so much else going on.

Just trying to give you something more positive to focus on. That really helped me when you did that for me not long ago.

Sometimes I had meds. I was on Effexor and Wellbutrin at different times and I just can't type out what they did to me mentally.

I'm on the right ones at this point so we'll see....

[SecretGarden]

Hi Pink... thinking of you and hoping you are getting some help and answers. Take care.

Well I saw my pdoc yesterday, and amazingly.... the session went well. I didn't want to scratch his eyes out. We agreed to bump up the Trileptal to where it was before and screw any additional meds for now. I will see him again next month to let him know how I'm doing.

I saw T for a half session after that. I told him how his availability was hard for me to manage. I told him how when he left me that voicemail telling me that my pdoc called in my prescription to the pharmacy, his message made me so mad, that I punched my steering wheel multiple times (very mature, indeed). I started getting mad at him right there and then. He asked me what I wanted him to in the message. I said, "Oh that's nice. Make me say it... make me humiliate myself right in front of you." Eventually I told him that I wanted him to say something comforting in the message, just like he did when we spoke to each other earlier that day. Then I said I was just being foolish, that I need to stop having this idealistic view of what he should do.... so then he tells me... why wouldn't you be right about that? i wasn't showing you any empathy on that message. maybe i was wrong there.

i hate him.

i love him.

i realized that if i am doing something else while talking, then my unconscious can flow a lot better... much more free association can take place in which there is a lot less censorship. so i asked him if when i come in this saturday (another saturday session), if he would be opposed to me bringing my sketchbook, and just sketching or doodling while i talk. he said of course he wouldn't be opposed; we will just have to see how it works out.

[lauren_helene]

The sketch book idea is a great one. One time I was doodling in my journal while talking to T.

It helps out when needed I think. I love that your T says 'well maybe I'm wrong' and 'you're right I wasn't showing empathy'