Post abandonment feelings

I'm prejudiced toward female Ts. When I was in high school the school intervened because my weight dropped too low and it was insisted my parents get me therapy. Sent to local male LSW supposed expert in eating disorders. He proceeded to ask about my sexual fantasies, encourage me to masturbate and share details with him ( I did not), groped and fondled me and was in every way utterly inappropriate. I didn't tell anyone since I was already in a crap load of trouble for catching the attention of authorities and my mother deeply resented taking me to therapy at all. Plus I don't think it ever occurred to me as a child that an adult would HELP me. I was not particularly surprised by the sleazeball T' actions because I was used to being victimized.. Now years later I am angry at him but at the time adults doing bad stuff to.me was just nornal. However he did unquestionably make my eating disorder worse and made my mother hate me more viciously than she already did
My advantage in the case is that I never trusted the man.therefore it was nothing near as traumatic as it would have been with someone I'd built trust with.. And my parents only had me go forbthr minimum number of times the school agreed to.

Now I cringe thinking he probably "specialized" in eating disorders because that meant easy access to vulnerable adolescent girls.

Yes I feel more comfortable with female T's even if they have never maintained responsible boundaries with me... I still feel less vulnerable. When female T's have sexual feelings they aren't likely to aggressively pursue them or don't pursue them at all so it is less threatening.

I had an experience like that with a doctor. I went in for strep throat and he wanted me to take off my pants and feel my thighs. I resisted and broke down crying. He started comforting me in this really creepy way, insisting it would be okay. Never explained why he needed me to take off my pants. I didn't trust adults esp. men esp. authority either and was used to getting hurt as well. I couldn't bear to repeat that with a T. So I haven't ever explored any of the emotional abuse from my father, also mostly about my body. My body image is still horrible and now I mostly try to ignore it. I think feeling wanted by my Ts filled in for some of my self esteem bc of that, though it never really sunk in. I couldn't trust a male T to handle it appropriately. Probably limits me a lot in life but yeah, just currently trust therapy less than I ever have, which is saying a lot.

Hi, just thought about it and wanted to quickly add to my last post that it's not my intention to say I know what it's like to experience sexual pressure/harassment/abuse from male Ts as a female client, I know it's different and I'm not trying to equalize those experiences and my issues trusting male professionals are mainly for different reasons than the gender dyad, just kinda ended up automatically sharing that experience.

Is he still in practice?

One thing about these client abandonment scenarios that is particularly troubling is the way they seem to trap people in the past. For me it seemed to resonate so strongly with deep wounds that live in implicit memory and therefore live on in the body that I felt my psychological survival was threatened. I feel stuck now, having the same bodily experience over and over, compulsively reliving therapy and wanting to talk and think about it. Feels like T put a curse on me.

There are ways out of this I guess. One would seem to be any practice that changes the focus to present moment awareness, and breaks the spell of the past, and allows new possibilities to come into consciousness. Not easy though, when survival needs are involved. Some would say do more therapy, but isn't that keeping the focus on the past?

A cruel irony, too, is that my T was so sure of her need to impose termination and severing of all contact, on the basis that it was in my best interests (though also her own interests), that she seemed totally unaware of the abandonment crisis that it would trigger. I wonder how often this happens -- the T's reasoning for cutting off the client is dwarfed into insignificance by termination itself.

I sincerely hope not.
I do not even remember his name.
I spent much of the sessions in what I call "possum" mode. I had already learned to freeze up.and allow my body to be violated to avoid more serious consequences. So I did that with the T too. I must have known his name at one point but I can't remember it or even what town he was in. By the time I was facing the truth of my past I was thankfully estranged from my mother who would be the only person who might remember and has since passed on.

Sounds terrible. Hope he's long gone from practice.

Yes, you do have a point that regardless of the client variables, the T also contributes to this dynamic existing over usually a significant period of time and then it does consistently become a uniquely difficult experience to move on from.

I was thinking of ex T today earlier too. A lot of times I think of her when I can't sleep and need to calm down. I know she still thinks of me... hope they aren't bad thoughts at this point. But, it's confusing. "You can always come back" always echoes around in my head at times like this. It hurts. It does make me feel like an idiot too, for being the one who wants it now.

So.....I saw a new shrink today. My life is imploding in every way imaginable, obviously abandonment and rejection by my shrink plays a huge role - but absolutely nothing is going right in my life. I sent her a summary yesterday to help her understand who she would be seeing.
I got horribly lost (**** google maps and post blizzard traffic) and had a mini breakdown in the car because I was late (and because of...life).
Looking for opinions here....she is the antithesis not only of my prior shrink of me too. For example, she has the new age music, chakras, and writes self-help books that probably feature unicorns.
I admire people who have that spiritual certainty, but I am not that person. I want to be able swear and speak badly of others without feeling judged, I want/need more than talk therapy.
I know it was only one session, but, at the risk of sounding negative, I really felt no connection at all. Is this normal?

Connection happens for some right away, others not for a while. I'm guessing you may be a little more guarded and apprehensive given your previous experience with therapy.

What brought you to this therapist initially? I will say that I have found spiritual people to be least judgmental. It seems like anything goes, especially swearing. I'm all for second chances, unless deep down you are 100% sure this t will not work.

@hopelesspoppy

Id say trust your instinct. I don't feel much connection to my new T and I get by but like, the spiritual stuff etc? Sounds like it's not for you yeah? Sorry things are going so bad

Did she tell you not to talk about stuff/swear or?

I think this is your reality for now and you may not be coping well . I don't want to believe my therapist would abandon me . What happened ?

I can relate. Ever since my T abandoned me last year, things haven't been the same. I'm not me anymore. I don't know how to describe it. I have grieved her and am somewhat past it. I don't miss her; I miss her essence, the feelings. I barely remember her now. Just fragments are left of her and myself.

After I grieved, I have found myself in this funk: a depression I have rarely felt in my life. I just don't have energy. Getting out of bed, showering, finding food to eat, feeding the dogs.... so tiring. Thankfully my fiance picks up the slack for me.

The sad thing is that if I could have my T back I would. Not as a T though. I could never trust her in that role. But to have her be a fraction in my life... I love(d) her. But for me, she's gone. She doesn't want me. And that hurts the most. I wish she would have talked to me. I still don't know what went wrong. Besides termination, I don't feel she did anything wrong and I don't think I did anything wrong. So why did she leave me?

Hi Scarlet,

Sorry to hear you're experiencing this. Isn't it really frustrating when you just can't find any will to do anything? It's so hard when it feels like you suddenly have this hole in your life where you used to put so much meaning. And the only place you can get anything out of it is in the past, in a faded memory that it feels so hard to even reach anymore. And of course you're not supposed to just live in the feelings with no progress, but they feel so consuming anyway.

I've been doing better lately but admittedly am still walking on the eggshells that exist in my mind. Replaying all the events, trying to figure it out, what I could have done better, what she could have done better, I know I have to stop this kind of thinking and live more in the moment. What bothers me most is the thought that she is possibly hurting like me, and I'm not supposed to/not wanted to do anything to help. My biggest issue is wanting to reach out again and not doing it. I know it's wrong to feel like you need to help your therapist. I'm trying to use my next therapy more effectively and learn the lessons this pain is trying to teach. So regardless, my goal right now is to transform the energy of losing T into the energy of finding me. These things I want to do for her are things I need to do for myself. I'm asking, if I could move these feelings anywhere, to any part of my life, about any person or situation, where would I put them? Then taking actions helps me make the connection.

One thing it helped me to realize was that the reason therapy has flooded into the rest of my life is because I wasn't truly getting therapy when I was in therapy. That's something I can correct with a new T by being more vulnerable, even if it feels pointless before I do it.

But trying to figure out how to hold onto what the relationship actually was is difficult. Yeah, just not having that closure is so frustrating. I don't really feel like she was a T to me. There's double standards that I need to make peace with.

Just want to.say that my T is very yoga/essential oils/chakra chanting/ prayer shawl wearing etc etc spiritual
She can also swear like a sailor, talks very freely about anger, and has allowed me to.talk through my cynicism. She is fine with me refusing things. Like chanting. I'm never going to chant mantras. Sorry.
So...you cant necessarily judge on first impression.