Post abandonment feelings

To all, with hope and compassion. We are all here/been there/will be there. Not one success story has ever been recorded of a therapist/patient attraction ending well. I would have rejected that idea myself a few years ago. The rawness, intimacy and vulnerability are heightened by the (usually) mutual attraction, it was intense for me, he spoke of giving up everything to run away with me.
Now, finally, I am relieved. Hurt and scarred, traumatized and lonely. But beyond the point of going back into the quagmire that ruled far too much of my world for way too long. Not happy, far from content.
Please do not read this and consider me a bitter victim, anything but. I knew better, or so I would like to think.
Feeling validated and understood can be far too seductive and many therapists see an opportunity to satiate their own narcissistic egos; and often they don't even realize it. That is why I will not take action. A dear friend is having great and healthy results with him.
He got spun up in his midlife crisis and I think it dovetailed with mine.

so sorry you're experiencing this. I'm at least glad that you are still able to see your T and hopefully work to some kind of better resolution than what you've had so far. I would encourage you to be patient, but of course not to the degree of being complacent. Because, yeah, in my experience it can hurt a lot worse after the end, especially if you regret that it ended.

It's so confusing and frustrating isn't it. This line:

"Despite the hurt, my attachment level is very high."

Really sums it up for me. It gives me a mental image of the powerlessness in these situations. I can see why even the should-be positive memories could hurt, especially after things have changed and they have come to feel far away or almost less real. But, I'm glad this thread is helping you some

Yes, I don't think T's generally deliberately do harm. There are just so many ways they end up rationalizing behavior that is clearly not meant to be happening. I guess quagmire is a good word. It's like, because of the practical restrictions on communication that therapy imposes, when communication does happen it can get out of control and all the things that weren't communicated start to consume you and spin this narrative that you get wrapped up into.

I really forgot, until recently, what it was like to have my head above water. Funny that all the stuff about the importance of healthy therapy only starts to really make sense after you have experienced unhealthy therapy running its course.

So, there's something really refreshing about feeling in control of my life again. Even in the enfeebled state I was left in...

Sorry about the situation with your friend though. That has got to be so confusing. I don't know.

musinglizzy: What triggered the abrupt change in your T's behavior? I experienced termination and subsequent ceasing of all contact in a similar way -- deeply shaming, destabilizing, and traumatizing.

I also felt the terrible confusion of having been injured by the T but feeling overwhelming attachment too. My rational mind was saying get away this is terribly unhealthy, but unconscious child mind was consumed with neediness.

For me it was not mutual attraction, or at best it was very lopsided on the side of me desiring and longing for her but having that not returned, other than in some general way. I still don't know and that confusion, in addition to the rejection, is part of the damage done. I got the emotional seduction and the feeling of being exploited PLUS a fatal rejection. Feels like game over.

I am a bitter victim. Not gonna lie. Glad you are progressing though.

So true about the seductive thing. Mine was feeding voraciously off this dynamic. I do want to take some action.

I cant get past the artificiality of the relationship, its unnatural inorganic origin and development, the asymmetry, the concealing and obfuscation, the secrecy and isolation, the dangerous vulnerability, risk of dependence, and more. I just cant picture the whole thing working itself out in a healthy and helpful way. Would be nice if I could find some Super-T but no idea how to do that?

I hear you. I have no control at this point over the way the thoughts and feelings and sensations dominate my consciousness. I think partly the key is to be involved in other things.

Sorry to hear that. I can relate.

- I think forced termination should have to go thru some governing body, or supervisor. Client abandonment should never happen without some oversight.
- Require reporting of forced termination so it is on T's record.
- Maybe some means for collecting client feedback.
- Better screening and informed consent up front.
- More useful and detailed ethics codes.
- Some way to make the dyad a triad when things spiral out of control.

Understood. I feel similarly, and yet this can start to sound like -- I paid her to use me for her own personal growth. And I got traumatized in the process. That sounds a lot like exploitation or abuse.

Budfox, my T said this was not her "modality," but that she did it to help me trust her more and not feel so alone. She said when she thought I was to the point where I could sit there on my own, she changed it. This was after 5 months. She said it could foster dependency, and she wanted to stop before it got to that point. Honestly, I've had people help me see that it was more that she actually was feeling too attached to ME. Her actions made me think so. And then she either consulted with someone, or realized it, and backed off. There is a whole post on this, called "touch in therapy...it's gone" that includes some Emails from her as well. She was going through a rough time with her teenager, and I almost feel like she was getting from me what she wasn't getting from her angry teenager at the time.

Ok I follow you. So she didnt discuss the change with you, was more of a unilateral decision on her part? That seems like a surefire way to make you feel infantilized. My T made some decisions for me having to do with termination. Plunged me into feelings of childlike stupidity and powerlessness.

Quite sure my T was very attached to me also. And this was driving her to keep doing things to induce dependency, and then she was horrified at what she had created, and ultimately her way of backing off was to just end the whole relationship.

Hope you can sort through this.

I find that whole abruppt change thing so strange. I also wondered if mine consulted with someone or something.

Nope, no discussion whatsoever. One day she was there, the next session (and every session after) she was not. She never said a word. Waited for ME to notice and bring it up myself. Then I got the typical "I'm sorry you feel that way." She got rather defensive, I think. She knows it still affects me. And she wonders why I am always waiting for something else to change....hypervigilant...

Mine called me the day before my session. I called him back and he told me not to come unless I would do a specific thing he KNEW I was NOT ready to do. He told me to never come back unless I would. A couple of months later I called and told him (left a voicemail) I would do it and he never called back. I have no idea why he did what he did. There were no termination sessions, no referrals, no explanations over the phone that made any sense. He told me several different things and he told my GP something different. I saw him for seven years and all of a sudden he was gone out of my life.

It's the worst feeling to be abandoned by someone you were close to for a long time. My trust was also betrayed. My T has no idea (nor does anyone else).

He pursued me in ways that bordered on ridiculous. For a (long) time it was cute and flattering....

.

Don't get me wrong, I am a bitter victim as well. I made that comment because a lot of people, when they get into the "victim" phase tend to exaggerate the reality.

Somebody really should write a book. Maybe if I had truly understood earlier what was happening I would have run like hell...or maybe not. But it's one of those things that are too difficult to put out there.

Still cant get over that. Or other similar accounts. Must have been a complete nightmare.

Surviving Therapist Abuse | Resources and Support for Healing

Good link. People actually respond. Recommended.

(((((((((more hugs to all who have been betrayed)))))))))))))))

Yes I understand. I don't really know the answer right now. I feel more at this point that the principle of a relationship in therapy is always SOME kind of illusion. Not 100%. But, the feelings may be real and mutually created but probably somewhere there is an illusion that is allowing them to take on the form they have taken. Healthy feelings embrace and accept the limitations of the reality. So maybe the test is whether or not a T actively encourages the client to understand and accept the limitations of the therapy as soon as they realize that that may be difficult for the client. When T's gratify, ignore, encourage or invite client's feelings, they definitely do the opposite and damage the client.

Yes, try to stay grounded as well. That's been a big thing for me. Therapy is not here. If I think about it, it feels like it's here. It feels like I'm back in therapy. But I'm not. There's a computer. And there's four walls. And a chair, and a bed, some decorations, a mirror, a lamp, etc. My T is not here. I cannot talk to her. So, what can I do to interact with this current environment?

these seem like good suggestions.

Thank you for posting that. I had found her site before, she seems very good and has a good understanding of the issues. I really like how she applies the energy concept.

(Oh sorry, I was looking specifically at the first post on the page lol. Well, anyway, I would recommend that Melanie Tonia Evans person's stuff.)

Yes some kind of illusion. And also some serious confusion. What is the relationship? I still don't know. Neither this nor that.

Agree about the gratify/ignore/encourage/invite thing. But how many T's are mature enough and aware enough and skilled enough to pull that off? And I still do not know what a successful version of this looks like at all.

I think what is driving me insane is that therapy left me so messed up that I most certainly need help. But help from a therapist?

Don't be swayed by my cynicism. I'm just venting.

It hurt so much. I expected to be hurt and traumatized by certain people but not by the person I paid to help me get over the trauma. It was worse in a lot of ways than the past trauma i had been through.

I don't mind the venting. I am fundamentally cynical too. Just trying to find the positives if/where they exist.

I think the unfortunate answer is that you need help from yourself.

This does not mean being alone with your feelings, it means putting yourself in the right places to find healing.

Possibly therapy is not that place for you, dunno. But certainly at least you can see that therapy in the way it has happened for you was not helpful.

Maybe you can use that experience to further hone your sense of what is helpful.

Like, looking at the specific way the negatives played out.... what does that say about how the positives would look? If the rejection is that painful, then, what makes it painful? What would feel good instead?

I like to approach it in terms of dichotomies. When I felt abandoned, I was in an "all bad" mindset (with no hope of repair). From that frame of reference, "all good" meant enactment of the relationship (at any cost)

The mistake was not wanting enactment, it was my willingness to sacrifice anything and everything to have it.

Once I expanded my perspective, I saw that my situation in life had actually become almost all bad, but that was an issue of my perspective and outlook, I was only focusing on or thinking about bad things--so there was hope of repair. And I did want an emotionally gratifying relationship, but I did not want to make sacrifices to deserve one, so I would rather learn to feel comfortable and loving towards myself and be alone until I am loved purely for who I am.

This is just how it's going for me, don't know if that is helpful at all.

I got re- traumatized by a trauma therapist and yes , in its own way it was the worst one of all. But I did put my trust in another one which was enormously healing. So difficult to find words or comfort for this , hugs to everyone who has been through it and hope they find their way somehow.

Yes agree. It is alternately liberating and overwhelming to realize that healing does not come from external sources. They can only facilitate. OTOH, you need healthy relationships to be a healthy person. And if you do not have any can be a real bind.

True for me also. But I do think circumstances sometimes can be so brutal that it becomes too much. It's fashionable to say that it's not what life throws at you, rather how you respond. To me it is obviously both. I was already at my breaking point, and then therapy of all things pushed me over the edge and once in that survival based state it is hard to shift thinking, or make changes, or do much.

An interesting addition, that because of time I don't much think of but seems somewhat relevant. When I was in my early 20's, my mother decided that we all needed therapy. Sure, I was a confused kid but I was in school, had a job, and was not particularly interested- not that I was happy(I do not believe that it is in my DNA), not that I didn't have issues, but I was not in crisis. On the other hand, we were new into a step-family that was quite hateful, no matter. Mom paid and I went. Young guy, only remember him as Jim. After very few sessions he actually called my mother to tell her that I was seriously bi-polar and that I needed to see him at least 2x per week. I didn't give a ****, she was paying and I really had nothing to say to him, but he had much to say to me, most notably the intense orgasm his wife had during childbirth and the shame he felt for being ticketed for peeing in a national park. I am not kidding. I was so unengaged, but not knowing better figured that epiphany was just around the corner.
One day he took me to a swingset in a park near his office and asked me to suck my thumb.
I marched away in nauseating disgust.
He proceeded to stalk me. Through my parents, place of employment, whatever avenue he could find. He told my mother that I was a severe threat to myself. Eventually I told my parents everything and they made it stop through serious threats. Remember, I was in my early 20's.
Fast forward to 2000. I am a woman in severe crisis. Not terribly keen on getting back into therapy, but my very closest people convinced me to try. This therapist was recommended also for the fact that he did not give out those "vibes".
In one of our first sessions I told him all of the above adding that I was, for that reason (and another, for later) reluctant. I will never forget- he asked "are you telling me not to **** with you?" I said "yes I am." And he proceeded to **** with me. Go figure. 15 years. So easy to feel like a total idiot....

An interesting addition, that because of time I don't much think of but seems somewhat relevant. When I was in my early 20's, my mother decided that we all needed therapy. Sure, I was a confused kid but I was in school, had a job, and was not particularly interested- not that I was happy(I do not believe that it is in my DNA), not that I didn't have issues, but I was not in crisis. On the other hand, we were new into a step-family that was quite hateful, no matter. Mom paid and I went. Young guy, only remember him as Jim. After very few sessions he actually called my mother to tell her that I was seriously bi-polar and that I needed to see him at least 2x per week. I didn't give a ****, she was paying and I really had nothing to say to him, but he had much to say to me, most notably the intense orgasm his wife had during childbirth and the shame he felt for being ticketed for peeing in a national park. I am not kidding. I was so unengaged, but not knowing better figured that epiphany was just around the corner.
One day he took me to a swingset in a park near his office and asked me to suck my thumb.
I marched away in nauseating disgust.
He proceeded to stalk me. Through my parents, place of employment, whatever avenue he could find. He told my mother that I was a severe threat to myself. Eventually I told my parents everything and they made it stop through serious threats. Remember, I was in my early 20's.
Fast forward to 2000. I am a woman in severe crisis. Not terribly keen on getting back into therapy, but my very closest people convinced me to try. This therapist was recommended also for the fact that he did not give out those "vibes".
In one of our first sessions I told him all of the above adding that I was, for that reason (and another, for later) reluctant. I will never forget- he asked "are you telling me not to **** with you?" I said "yes I am." And he proceeded to **** with me. Go figure. 15 years. So easy to feel like a total idiot....

@hopelesspoppy wtf? Seriously how do they let someone like that be a T. I've only had one male T but was very young and also had no interest in being there at the time. It lasted 2 sessions. Can't say people paint a good picture of male T's in general here. Too prone to narcissism.... I don't think I could take that. I wish I could see a male T and I'm sure there are good ones out there I just don't think I could trust or even suspend disbelief about trusting them. 80% of the male T's in my area give off those creepy vibes even just in their pictures. Sad that you experienced that.