[retro_chic]

This is going to be long. Sorry!

So my T runs 50 min sessions and yesterday when I arrived 5 mins before my session the previous client was still in their session. They didn't finish until right when my session was supposed to start. This made me irrationally angry and jealous. While I was waiting I just kept thinking "get the hell out of my room, you're supposed to be finished!" I know it is ridiculous and I hate myself for feeling this way but I can't help it. I have been reluctant to bring up this issue with my T but I think it something I need to talk to her about. I have written out exactly what I want to tell her so I just going to copy and paste it here.

_____________

In the last session when I was talking about how I feel as though my Mum doesn’t get me and she often invalidates my feelings, you asked me if I can remember ever being in a relationship where I didn’t feel that way. I felt myself shut down at that moment and I didn’t want to go into it at the time because it was going to lead to a conversation I wasn’t ready to have.

Whenever I feel as though my needs are being met in a relationship and that the other person understands me I immediately become extremely attached. When this happens I want to be this person’s “favourite” because that’s how I feel about them. I will often become quite jealous of the other relationships that person has and I hate myself for feeling that way. Usually I will just avoid getting too close to someone by not discussing personal things with them (or I will discuss them but in a joking/sarcastic way that doesn’t really get too deep). I avoid becoming too close not just to avoid those feelings of attachment and jealousy but also because I think that person is going to leave me eventually because that seems to be what always happens.

In therapy I can’t really do this, well I can but I choose not to because I want to actually work on my issues so I make an effort to talk about them. Anyway, because I try to open up to you and I feel as if you understand me, I became attached to you very quickly. Like after the second session I felt very attached. With those feelings of attachment comes those feelings of jealousy. I feel jealous of your other clients and I actually feel angry if the client before me takes longer than the 50 minutes the session is supposed to go for. I know it is absolutely none of my business if a previous client’s session goes 5 min over. I know these feelings are ridiculous and I hate myself for having them. I have avoided talking to you about this because I want you to like me and I believe these feelings of jealously make me unlikeable. But getting you to like me by hiding the way I feel is not the point of therapy so that is why I have decided to bring this up.

_____________

Have any of you spoken to your T about feeling jealous of other clients? How did your T react?

[WrkNPrgress]

I don't have a reply pertinent to your post but I just wanted to say that Letter is Spot On and very well written. What great expression of your point of view! I wish I could be so direct in expressing myself about feelings for my therapist.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by WrkNPrgress

I don't have a reply pertinent to your post but I just wanted to say that Letter is Spot On and very well written. What great expression of your point of view! I wish I could be so direct in expressing myself about feelings for my therapist.

Thank you . I find I am a lot more articulate in writing compared to verbally. In session I spend at least half the time saying "I don't know" and not being able to get my words out properly. Anyway, hopefully I have the courage to actually read this to my T.

[Piickles]

Just a thought which doesn't address your whole issue - and not to invalidate your feelings because they are very valid

But practically maybe the session before you started late?

[Piickles]

Also I think your brave and honest admitting, and potentially addressing those feelings.., I imagine I'm the only client which I know is absurd - but my therapist never had clients back to back so we never see each other. I like it that way, I think I would have similar feelings to yours if I saw other clients enter and exit.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Piickles

Just a thought which doesn't address your whole issue - and not to invalidate your feelings because they are very valid

But practically maybe the session before you started late?

I thought about that too which is why I think these feelings of jealousy are ridiculous yet they don't seem to be going away despite telling myself things like "the previous client probably started late and it is really none of my business". So yeah, that's why I've decided I need to address this.

I think fear of not getting enough is triggered in therapy by many things.

These are very young feelings. What a great place for it to happen. You get to work through it!

[Waterbear]

Very well written, and I would certainly recommend showing it to her. Don't think you are alone in the way that you feel, I am sure it is very common. I have never seen another person near this new T, or the old one come to think of it even though it was in a fairly busy hospital type place.

[divine1966]

Certainly share it with t. There is a reason feeling the way you do and most likely nothing to do with this specific situation. I hope you work on it with your t! Good job

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[cinnamon_roll]

I know those feelings too well, both the jealousy and also feeling strongly attached quite fast, whenever I feel seen and/or understood...

I would say, definitely talk with your T about it. What you've written transports very comprehensibly and also eloquently how you feel. So reading this to your T or giving it to her to read might be a place to start. And I'm pretty sure that your T won't judge you for it.

So please, don't judge yourself for those feelings either. They might seem out of place or disproportionate - but they're there for a reason. My T keeps telling me this quite often, when my "emotional response" doesn't seem to fit the situation, it's either feelings from when I was very very young and/or those feelings correspond with some other situationn earlier in my life, that might have been similar, so it's some sort of triggered response, a kind of emotional flashback.

For me, this concept helps tremendously to make some sense of those emotions that quite often totally seem out of proportion, and it also helped me to deal with the self-judgement and shame that comes along with those emotions (for me).
Taking a closer look at those emotions (together with my T - so I'm not alone in this...) does help help me tremendously. Do those emotions go away instantly? Definitely not. But I'm learning to deal with them. I'm learning not to judge myself for having them. I'm learning to listen to those emotions and what they are trying to convey to my inner self, so that I'm able to look after the needs that they might be pointing towards.

Wishing you courage and strength! all the best, c_r

[BayBrony]

I think the letter is amazingly articulate. It really makes everything so clear. I'm sure it will be very helpful for your therapy.
Those feelings are really normal. I still get jealous sometimes and I've been with myT for 4 years

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by cinnamon_roll

I know those feelings too well, both the jealousy and also feeling strongly attached quite fast, whenever I feel seen and/or understood...

I would say, definitely talk with your T about it. What you've written transports very comprehensibly and also eloquently how you feel. So reading this to your T or giving it to her to read might be a place to start. And I'm pretty sure that your T won't judge you for it.

So please, don't judge yourself for those feelings either. They might seem out of place or disproportionate - but they're there for a reason. My T keeps telling me this quite often, when my "emotional response" doesn't seem to fit the situation, it's either feelings from when I was very very young and/or those feelings correspond with some other situationn earlier in my life, that might have been similar, so it's some sort of triggered response, a kind of emotional flashback.

For me, this concept helps tremendously to make some sense of those emotions that quite often totally seem out of proportion, and it also helped me to deal with the self-judgement and shame that comes along with those emotions (for me).
Taking a closer look at those emotions (together with my T - so I'm not alone in this...) does help help me tremendously. Do those emotions go away instantly? Definitely not. But I'm learning to deal with them. I'm learning not to judge myself for having them. I'm learning to listen to those emotions and what they are trying to convey to my inner self, so that I'm able to look after the needs that they might be pointing towards.

Wishing you courage and strength! all the best, c_r

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who has experienced this. Hopefully my T will be able to help me work through this and also help me to not judge myself so harshly because that is something that I struggle with a lot too.

[Favorite Jeans]

OMG. I relate so much to wanting to be T's favourite and feeling jealous and sad that I'm not and that she limits so strictly what she is willing to give me. This is in ZERO way mitigated by the smart/logical part of me that wants a T with excellent boundaries and appropriate professionalism. The feeling of being a big sinkhole of need is probably the hardest issue for me to address with her and I have to limit how deeply and how often I get into it with her because I cannot afford to walk around feeling so undone by those sessions.

[Soccer mom]

I think it was very well written especially that you've realized you are like that with other people, not just with her. I did tell my ex-T. that I was very jealous but I couldn't relate it to anyone else in my life, just her. And, like you, I hated having those feelings. I KNEW all the reasons I shouldn't feel that way but they were there. I used to tell her my mind and heart weren't in sync. I also used to say "I don't know" all the time. However, she didn't email so I would get stuck.
My new T. allows email but I haven't had any issues with her. I think part of the reason is there are large blocks of time between clients so I never see any. In fact, I wondered at first if she really saw many people.
I think it's great that you can talk to her about it and hopefully gain some insight.

[retro_chic]

Oh man, my session is tomorrow and I'm so nervous about bring this up with T! I'm getting all panicky just thinking about it

[Waterbear]

Wishing you well, you can do it and it will probably help a lot.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Wishing you well, you can do it and it will probably help a lot.

Thank you! My session starts in about 20mins... Hopefully it goes well!

[musinglizzy]

After seeing this myself several times with T1, I did finally ask her about it. She seems strict on her time boundaries, yet I'd see her let some people stay to the top of the hour (she also holds 50 min sessions). She told me that there are some clients she only sees once a month, for "maintenance" sessions so to speak, and those clients she sees for a full hour, since they don't come in weekly. She also sees couples for a full hour, but that one I knew.

[retro_chic]

The session went well! T was really understanding and assured me that my feelings are completely reasonable which was reassuring. I'm still sort of processing the whole conversation but yeah, I think overall I feel good about it.

I really like my T. She is my favourite out of all the ones I've seen and I feel as if she really gets me. At the start of our session she asked me how I've been and I said "okay" and she said "are you sure? You seem a bit flustered". I like that she can immediately tell when I'm not okay. I feel like we have a good thing going at the moment.