[d.rose]

As in "choosing favorites"? T in particular remembers my birthday, gives long tight hugs, etc.

[CANDC]

Well it is nice for T to remember particulars. T giving long tight hugs sounds unprofessional. My mother can do that but I would not like my T to give me long tight hugs.

You could ask a volunteer therapist that may be able to answer your written request.
Ask the Therapist

[Argonautomobile]

I don't know if I can make a generalized statement about what's "normal" and what's not, but the fact that you're asking makes me think that maybe you're uncomfortable with your T's level of affection? Regardless of what's normal or not, your T shouldn't be doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Has your T actually admitted to "choosing favorites" or told you you're a "favorite" client? For me, that raises a red flag.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by d.rose

As in "choosing favorites"? T in particular remembers my birthday, gives long tight hugs, etc.

My T does those things and its perfectly fine in our relationship. I think the relevant info we need is
* how long have you seen thus T
*what is your relationship like
*does this behavior bother or hurt you in some way
* why are you asking this question

Most of the time when people ask these questions something is making them uncomfortable. You should not endure touch or personal attention from your T that seems counter to your own instinct or needs. The needs of people in therapy are broad from.someone like me who finds long tight hugs very being to people whose experiences mean they don't want to be touched at all. A therapist should always respect your bodily autonomy and your ability to decide if, when and how you want to be touched etc. Touch or extra attention should be with the client's permission and should not be about the therapists needs.

d rose, no it is not normal. It means to me imo they are crushing on you. Ask and find out if this is true and place a boundarie there if you are uncomfortable with it. tc

[Crescent Moon]

I'm wondering if she has some need for your affection, or a personal need for you to be dependent on her?

Originally Posted by d.rose

As in "choosing favorites"? T in particular remembers my birthday, gives long tight hugs, etc.

My therapist did those things, but most of my uncomfortableness came from reading this specific forum on PC. I let my reading here heavily influence my being able to accept what my therapist was offering in her best professional judgment to help me heal. I'm glad she won out.

[junkDNA]

i dont think a t remembering your birthday is inappropriate

[scorpiosis37]

In my relationship with my T, that worked for us. It didn't start out that way, but our relationship grew and deepened over time. I saw her for 5 1/2 years and she always remembered my birthday, gave me tight hugs, sat next to me when I was having a hard time, said "I love you" etc. She was my T but we also had a "real" human connection (platonic of course). That kind of relationship doesn't work for everyone, but it felt right for us. She stopped practicing back in November and we are now transitioning into something more akin to a friendship/acquaintanceship. It's going extremely well; our connection has managed to translate into the real world without any sense of disappointment, hurt feelings, unmet expectations, etc. We see each other every couple of weeks and we both look forward to it. This kind of post-therapy friendship isn't right for everyone, but I'm really glad that is going so well for us.

[AllHeart]

Remembering a birthday is a nice gesture, and, is easy to do when the t has quick access to it in your file.

Some people are long, tight, huggers. If there is no cue from the huggee to let go, the hugger may hold on longer. In your case, not sure what you consider to be long. If it makes you uncomfortable, it should be addressed immediately.

I don't think either of these actions are "not normal" for some t's. My t is very affectionate towards me with her words and her touch and it's all completely appropriate, healthy, and natural. Can't say what is normal in your case without knowing what you consider to be lots of affection, how long the hugs are, what else is being said and done, the vibes you get from t with it, etc.

[stopdog]

Not for me it isn't.

[atisketatasket]

I would be concerned about the "choosing favorites" bit. Did she actually say that?

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I think its normal.

[Sarah1985]

Hugs and remember details are normal. Did she say your her favorite?

[missbella]

There likely is wide latitude in therapeutic normality, particularly since it all happens behind closed doors. I think the bottom line is whether you feel comfortable, if the behavior feels helpful or therapeutic and if she willingly would respect your any objection to the behavior. You're two equal people.

[d.rose]

Sorry for the late update, been busy...To all the questions:

The stuff I wrote in the opening post were just a few small details of this therapist's behavior, there's much more to the picture that I'm not sure if I should post yet (privacy reasons etc.).

I can understand where some of you are coming from in regards to affectionate behavior from a therapist that you've known for a while, but there's a difference with my situation-I've known her only about 3 months, not a long time. She circled my birthday on her calendar without me even prompting her.

I was apologizing to her because I wasn't showing much reciprocation to all her affectionate behavior, and her face went red. She said that it was okay, and wouldn't be like "I don't like him anymore, he's no longer my favorite client!". Reason I'm asking is because this is my first time in therapy and was curious if this was normal or not.

[unlockingsanity]

Are you a teen? Just trying to see the whole picture here.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by d.rose

Sorry for the late update, been busy...To all the questions:

The stuff I wrote in the opening post were just a few small details of this therapist's behavior, there's much more to the picture that I'm not sure if I should post yet (privacy reasons etc.).

I can understand where some of you are coming from in regards to affectionate behavior from a therapist that you've known for a while, but there's a difference with my situation-I've known her only about 3 months, not a long time. She circled my birthday on her calendar without me even prompting her.

I was apologizing to her because I wasn't showing much reciprocation to all her affectionate behavior, and her face went red. She said that it was okay, and wouldn't be like "I don't like him anymore, he's no longer my favorite client!". Reason I'm asking is because this is my first time in therapy and was curious if this was normal or not.

In that context, no, I wouldn't consider this normal behavior. The therapy relationship isn't really one where the T gives you affection and you feel obligated to reciprocate it. I think the most telling thing is that you're questioning the whole dynamic on your own. I'd listen to your gut on this one.

[d.rose]

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

Are you a teen? Just trying to see the whole picture here.

Yes, I'm 16 and my T is mid-30s.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by d.rose

Sorry for the late update, been busy...To all the questions:

The stuff I wrote in the opening post were just a few small details of this therapist's behavior, there's much more to the picture that I'm not sure if I should post yet (privacy reasons etc.).

I can understand where some of you are coming from in regards to affectionate behavior from a therapist that you've known for a while, but there's a difference with my situation-I've known her only about 3 months, not a long time. She circled my birthday on her calendar without me even prompting her.

I was apologizing to her because I wasn't showing much reciprocation to all her affectionate behavior, and her face went red. She said that it was okay, and wouldn't be like "I don't like him anymore, he's no longer my favorite client!". Reason I'm asking is because this is my first time in therapy and was curious if this was normal or not.

Like others have said, I think therapist styles vary wildly, and I don't think it's necessarily a sign she's that weird. The birthday to me seems to be going a bit far, the favorite client comment wasn't necessarily to imply you were her favorite client...

I think it's normal for some therapists to start off really sweet to get you to fall for them and open up.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by d.rose

Yes, I'm 16 and my T is mid-30s.

Ok, that actually does make your T's behavior potentially more normal. People have a tendency to be more affectionate with younger people. (I'm a teacher and I kind of can't help being more familiar with my middle/high school students than with my adult ones).

Still, If T's behavior weirds you out, that's cause for concern.

[atisketatasket]

You're 16? I guess that could explain the behavior - maybe she thinks that's how to help you - but her long tight hugs and turning red in the face when you apologize for not returning her affection plus the age difference makes me awfully uncomfortable.

How did you find this therapist? Have your parents or guardians vetted her?

Eta re Argonautomobile: do female teachers give their male teenaged students long tight hugs?

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by d.rose

Yes, I'm 16 and my T is mid-30s.

I'm wondering if she's just going overboard trying to build some positive rapport with you.

[d.rose]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

You're 16? I guess that could explain the behavior - maybe she thinks that's how to help you - but her long tight hugs and turning red in the face when you apologize for not returning her affection plus the age difference makes me awfully uncomfortable.

How did you find this therapist? Have your parents or guardians vetted her?

Eta re Argonautomobile: do female teachers give their male teenaged students long tight hugs?

My high school actually has this program where students can meet with a therapist for free once a week. I halfheartedly agreed because a teacher suggested it when I was looking sad one day. She doesn't specialize in working with "at risk youths", but is a licensed marriage therapist. The hugs aren't extremely long, 5-7 seconds at most, but they are quite tight to the point where I can feel her torso pressing into mine.

[Argonautomobile]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Eta re Argonautomobile: do female teachers give their male teenaged students long tight hugs?

Fair enough! No, I do NOT give my male teens long tight hugs!
(I have colleagues that have--but this is a very situational thing)

I agree with ATAT that there's enough here to make me uncomfortable. Maybe not file-a-complaint-with-the-licencing-agency uncomfortable, but still kind of...Idk. Again, If OP's not comfortable, I'm not comfortable.