[YMIHere]

I'm wondering if ANYBODY else can relate to this? I'm "thinking out loud" here so forgive me for how this mess comes out.

I find myself crying OFTEN over things that I have a hard time identifying the reason. The ONLY thing I can pin it on sometimes is the fact that NOTHING is perfect. Sometimes I see one of these motivational quotes and they make me cry. Why? Maybe because they illustrate a peace that I don't have?

Bernie Sanders latest commercial made me cry. You can see that

Probably the music plus what he represents to ME.

I could go on ALL DAY about the types of things that bring me to tears. The inability to identify WHY often causes me stress because I'd really prefer not to be having breakdowns at my desk over nothing.

Perfectionism is one of my greatest battles. Self esteem is another issue that I deal with. I've admitted this much here and in therapy.

Am I the only one who over analyzes when my therapist says nice things to me?

I'm the type of person who will trust until you give me reason not to. I like my therapist and I truly TRULY believe he is the best kind of person. The kind of person who is doing what he does because he has a genuine interest in helping people. If I was to go into psychology I can readily admit it's for my own selfish reasons. My curiosity being the main motivator. Helping people would be a by-product, not the goal.

So when I sit here and say that I believe that his ultimate goal is to help me, then why did it make me uneasy when he said I'm beautiful.

I'd already told him about the line from Pretty Woman,

When I first met my husband (before we were anything) I told him that if someone tells me I'm beautiful I don't believe them. I think they're lying to me. They don't have to be lying to me with any sort of nefarious goal in mind. I simply do not believe them.

We didn't have a session during Christmas week though he checked in with me because I'd sent him an email. He told me he missed me that week. Of course my brain SCREAMS, "LIAR!" I don't know how many clients he has, but I don't believe that I'm so special amongst them all for him to say that.

He's on vacation for 2 weeks and during our last session I'd been describing feeling needy. That I feel like an albatross to the people I love and respect the most. In response to this - my feeling like I have nothing to offer those people he'll tell me how intelligent and funny I am.

The entire time I am reciting this story here I've been sobbing.

I feel like I want to tell him this, but tell him what? "I really like you, but I'm so fvcking DAMAGED that I believe you're LYING to me every time you say something nice so can you please stop doing that?"

I was hoping that maybe someone who has been in therapy longer than me and has addressed issues such as these might be able to share some insight as to what needed to be addressed for them.

I was drafting an email to him, but then figured I'd stop by him and see if anyone had input.

[Inner_Firefly]

Hi YMIhere, I don't think you're overanalyzing. Maybe there is a good reason you feel uneasy when he compliments you. you say you believe his goal is to help you, but is it really helpful to tell you you're beautiful or intelligent and funny? I don't know the answer to that, what do you think? I know that my T's goal is to help me and she hardly ever compliments me like that because she believes it's not helpful. So that's why I wonder if your T's method is working for you. As for crying, maybe something inside you is sensitive/ hurting and you don't yet know the reason. Your feelings are valid and possbily trying to tell you something. I wish you luck in your journey! Sorry if none of this is helpful, I support you!

[seoultous]

I have a difficult time accepting compliments. My T compliments me and I have told her that she had to compliment me because I pay her. That was really unfair and I could tell I hurt her feelings. Then again, I think therapists are pretty smart. I believe they sense that someone sees the worst in themselves and it is their job to dismantle that negative cognition. Some intervention might be to erode the fear that one is unlovable or damaged. How better than to give a compliment. Maybe you'll start to examine your beliefs about yourself and you can come to realize that your therapist had the best of intentions to help you with your recovery.

My best to you as you journey through this difficult process.

[growlycat]

I don't know if this is a similar thing, but early on in therapy, years ago, if I had a touching or emotionally close session (where I discussed difficult material/cried and was given comfort etc) I would have a really bad rebound the following week. It was if that whatever nice connection happened would never ever happen again and it made me sad and panicky. hope this makes some sense. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by seoultous

I have a difficult time accepting compliments. My T compliments me and I have told her that she had to compliment me because I pay her. That was really unfair and I could tell I hurt her feelings. Then again, I think therapists are pretty smart. I believe they sense that someone sees the worst in themselves and it is their job to dismantle that negative cognition. Some intervention might be to erode the fear that one is unlovable or damaged. How better than to give a compliment. Maybe you'll start to examine your beliefs about yourself and you can come to realize that your therapist had the best of intentions to help you with your recovery.

My best to you as you journey through this difficult process.

This is pretty much what I believe. I TRULY believe this and yet, at the same time I feel like I'm being manipulated. Manipulated into trying to feel better about myself - what an AWFUL person he is! I would never say to my friends the things that I say to myself. If I was my own best friend, I would try to counterbalance all the negative self talk with exactly the types of things he has said. I just have a difficulty hearing it.

Originally Posted by Inner_Firefly

Hi YMIhere, I don't think you're overanalyzing. Maybe there is a good reason you feel uneasy when he compliments you. you say you believe his goal is to help you, but is it really helpful to tell you you're beautiful or intelligent and funny? I don't know the answer to that, what do you think? I know that my T's goal is to help me and she hardly ever compliments me like that because she believes it's not helpful. So that's why I wonder if your T's method is working for you. As for crying, maybe something inside you is sensitive/ hurting and you don't yet know the reason. Your feelings are valid and possbily trying to tell you something. I wish you luck in your journey! Sorry if none of this is helpful, I support you!

As I said above I think he thinks he is helping me. As far as what is hurting me I WISH I could figure that out. I'm trying to remember if he had any input on that in a previous session. I know he said we would work on controlling (?) my emotions. I can't remember the exact word he used but basically that we need to work on my getting a grip in my words. I think one of my biggest causes of pain is this feeling of not living up to my potential. I KNOW I am capable of so much more if only I could find my way. What I am sure of is that at my job I get no emotional satisfaction and I can't even get recognition for what I do. Or I get it as lip service but nothing ever becomes of anything. The job is killing my soul and I feel trapped. I'm too tired and overwhelmed to even figure my way out of the trap. I'm h a hamster in a wheel because this situation will come up - this feeling that I NEED to do something, then I brainstorm trying to find a way that will let me leave and work on something else and then I come face to face with the realities that keep me right where I am.

Originally Posted by growlycat

I don't know if this is a similar thing, but early on in therapy, years ago, if I had a touching or emotionally close session (where I discussed difficult material/cried and was given comfort etc) I would have a really bad rebound the following week. It was if that whatever nice connection happened would never ever happen again and it made me sad and panicky. hope this makes some sense. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

Every little bit helps. When you say a bad rebound week the next week, how exactly do you mean?

This is week 2 that he's away. I'll see him again next Thursday. Just so many thoughts at once.

Another reason I stay - how will I afford therapy if I leave my job?

I'm trying so hard to look on the bright side at work, but it's getting more difficult every day.

Anyway, sorry for the rant everyone. Thank you for your responses.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Sometimes when I am feeling really bad about myself, its hard to accept when someone says something nice because I don't believe it at first. Its like my brain is trained to think about the bad and I have really tried to train it to believe someone when they say something nice. Especially my T. She is very genuine and I can tell she really means what she says. I hope that makes sense.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by Cinnamon_Stick

Sometimes when I am feeling really bad about myself, its hard to accept when someone says something nice because I don't believe it at first. Its like my brain is trained to think about the bad and I have really tried to train it to believe someone when they say something nice. Especially my T. She is very genuine and I can tell she really means what she says. I hope that makes sense.

At the rate I'm going, one of us will be attending the other's funeral. I'll be in a home where I won't recognize my own son, but I'll STILL have issues. Guess I'm in it for the long haul.

[SheHulk07]

I'm the same way with compliments, and will literally call bs on someone if they compliment me and I don't feel like it's genuine. I believe mine is from growing up hearing people around me call me fat, ugly, etc and not having my mom say she loves me so I don't feel like I'm those things if that makes sense. I don't blame it all on that, but definitely trying to work on my self esteem and accept when someone who knows me compliments me and say thank you. My t tells me to argue with myself about the beliefs about compliments about myself.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by AmyFed07

I'm the same way with compliments, and will literally call bs on someone if they compliment me and I don't feel like it's genuine. I believe mine is from growing up hearing people around me call me fat, ugly, etc and not having my mom say she loves me so I don't feel like I'm those things if that makes sense. I don't blame it all on that, but definitely trying to work on my self esteem and accept when someone who knows me compliments me and say thank you. My t tells me to argue with myself about the beliefs about compliments about myself.

You just described my life pretty much. Mom said she l Ioved me but barely showed it. I was TORTURED at school and where they left off I tortured myself. And I thought Freud was full of **** with the whole going back to childhood. I'm definitely more forgiving of ppl with the fvcked up childhood.

Originally Posted by YMIHere

At the rate I'm going, one of us will be attending the other's funeral. I'll be in a home where I won't recognize my own son, but I'll STILL have issues. Guess I'm in it for the long haul.

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[stopdog]

For me, it is because the woman could not possibly know nor for me, does the woman have the right to do so - it is not her place. I may or may not think what she says is correct, but that, to me, is not the point.

[YMIHere]

Originally Posted by stopdog

For me, it is because the woman could not possibly know nor for me, does the woman have the right to do so - it is not her place. I may or may not think what she says is correct, but that, to me, is not the point.

I don't know that I agree if I'm understanding you correctly.

The woman does not know what? As far as it not being her place, I give compliments freely all the time. I'll tell a woman I'm passing on the street I like her skirt or a cashier they have gorgeous eyes so that's why I feel like I'm not understanding.

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