[SheHulk07]

Possible trigger warning about SA

After not seeing my T for 3 weeks due to a snow storm last week, I saw T on Monday. I went in having a direction for what I wanted to talk about (my H and SA). It kind of started that way, and then we got stuck on why I have such a problem with saying a certain word out loud. He wanted me to say it out loud..."My H (insert word) me." I just couldn't, and started crying which I rarely do besides shed a few tears. He was very calm during it, and trying to get me to stay with him and work through it and breathe.

I was so shaken up even after he checked in about how I was feeling SI/SH wise, but I still just left. And now I keep replaying it and getting more anxious about it. I'm not sure what to do now.

I'm not blaming him for going there, it's more of my anxiety over saying that stuff out loud and just all the emotions that come with that. I don't see him again until the 25th either now, unless for some reason there's a cancellation next week I could see him then.

[Focus62]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I talk around that word too...I think it's pretty normal. The connotation of that word for us is shame producing and scary. It's a hard thing to say

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by Focus62

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I talk around that word too...I think it's pretty normal. The connotation of that word for us is shame producing and scary. It's a hard thing to say

I hate the word, too, but I guess he was getting me to admit to myself out loud that it's what's happening. It was just like that session opened up the flood gates to all these emotions, and I'm having a hard time sitting with them.

I guess I could call the crisis line or chat to one.

[Focus62]

It took me nearly two years to even say the word "abuse" to my former T. I don't think you need to verbalize it to admit it to yourself, but Ts seem to find some value in this. I think most people say it makes it more "real." I didn't find it to be that way...I just hate the way it sounds. I think for me it wasn't about admitting it to myself, it was about the way it made me feel weak and pathetic, like I'm such a baby that I couldn't protect myself and that I feel scared and anxious over it. But in my life, being "childish" has a very bad connotation... these types of words are a mixed bag of emotions for me.

This is a tough one considering your next session is so far away. I've never talked to a crisis worker, so I have no words of wisdom there, but I do think you should do what you have to do! Even if that means emailing T (unless there's a boundary or something).

[SheHulk07]

Originally Posted by Focus62

It took me nearly two years to even say the word "abuse" to my former T. I don't think you need to verbalize it to admit it to yourself, but Ts seem to find some value in this. I think most people say it makes it more "real." I didn't find it to be that way...I just hate the way it sounds. I think for me it wasn't about admitting it to myself, it was about the way it made me feel weak and pathetic, like I'm such a baby that I couldn't protect myself and that I feel scared and anxious over it. But in my life, being "childish" has a very bad connotation... these types of words are a mixed bag of emotions for me.

This is a tough one considering your next session is so far away. I've never talked to a crisis worker, so I have no words of wisdom there, but I do think you should do what you have to do! Even if that means emailing T (unless there's a boundary or something).

I can see how it would make someone feel weak and pathetic, it does the same to me. But that's regardless of what word choice I use. The whole situation makes me feel weak, and that I should have been able to prevent it, etc. But actually saying the words out loud for me in a statement rather than just using it casually in a sentence kind of put some reality to it. Like yes, this is actually what's going on.

[CantExplain]

Saying the word out loud is an important step towards breaking its power.