Problems with my session today!

My T doesn't understand my need to report about my week. She asked again why I had to do it, and told me 25 minutes were spent on my report. I thought I told her feelings about my experiences.

I emailed her that I want her to CARE about me and my week. I know she thinks it's a waste of time. To me, it seems like she's rejecting me if she doesn't want to hear my report. I have a lot going on lately and I want her to know about it all. That was one problem today.

The other problem seems like progress but I feel very disappointed! It's that I havent felt attracted to T at all for a few weeks or longer. I even asked to hold her hand and I did but it just felt blah. I used to like feeling "in love" with her even when I was ashamed. I wanted her to be that perfect partner for me, but she isn't. I don't pick my friends for their physical appearance but how I feel about my T depends on how she looks. I know it's because I was missing those feelings in my marriage. I wrote all this in my email too.

I was trying to look at her but she said my eyes were looking sideways. I know I do that so I don't mind being aware so I could change it. We talked more about what she calls early attachment issues and helping me develop my core self so I won't need her as much.

Ive used therapy sessions to talk about the events in my week all the time. Sometimes I want advice and sometimes I just need to talk - I don't see the problem with this, especially since you've been seeing her for so long. I would just reiterate to her why talking about your week is therapeutic for you right now. I understand if she is trying to keep some structure to your sessions, but I also think as the client you have a say in what you talk about in your own therapy.

Regarding rhe change in feelings toward your T - I know it doesn't feel great and is sad like you said - it can be like losing your attraction to a partner. I think the shift to thinking about life outside therapy is related to this- using session time to focus on your life probably help deflate the intense feelings you had for your T.

Aren't you paying her? And therefore should be able to talk about what you want?

I've never wanted to talk to a therapist about the events of my week, but if you find it therapeutic, you should talk about it. It sounds like she may think you are doing it to avoid talking about some larger issue. Or maybe she thinks the role of listener in de-stressing about your week would be better played by a friend.

Did the feelings change before or after she complained? After, could be a consequence if feeling rejected.

Sounds a bit like you are trying to get some sort of relationship fulfillment out of your T, and she's trying to get you to focus in on the work so you can continue to make progress. The 25 minutes of just reporting in does seem like a lot of unfocused time. I think many of us may have a session here or there like that, but to do that every week does seem a lot.

It struck me when you mentioned this on another thread if you are using all that reporting in as a bit of avoidance of the deeper issues; my guess is your T might be thinking the same thing. You mention you want her to be "that perfect partner" and she simply cannot be that. Is all the reporting an effort to use her as a friend as opposed to a therapist perhaps? To get that "feeling" with her again?

Why not, instead of using that much time, hone in on one or two events that are particularly related to perhaps what you really need to work on in therapy and use them as a starting point of your work rather than spending 25 minutes cataloging your entire week? Yes, you have the right to use your time any way you wish, but it does sound a bit like you may be using this to distract or avoid bigger issues, and you've certainly had some huge issues lately that I would guess you need to work on right now.

Your t can't be your partner, as you know. People usually only go over every aspect of their day with their partner, who sees them every day.

It sounds like your t is trying to reestablish healthy boundaries as she sees you trying to bend them due to the pain and hole caused by the passing of your husband.

And she does care about you, she shows you that routinely. Since you feel like she doesn't care if she doesn't want to listen to every detail of your day? Is demonstrating to her that you are trying to push at biundaries even if you don't recognize that.

I always share with my T events from the week. I told her that someone from a forum had a T that thought this kind of sharing was a waste of time. She didn't understand. She said that talking about our experiences can be healing and being heard is therapeutic.

I would feel shut down if my T disapproved of me telling her about things going on in my life. They affect how I relate in my life.

What I do is begin my session with 'news' - which are current events from my week. I even call it my news report. I usually don't spend a lot of time on this part because I do want to dig in on some emotional issues. But it's important for me that my T knows what's going on in my life - even things that don't seem to be emotionally relevant. They may become relevant later. And the more my T knows me the more she might be able to see patterns or understand what drives me.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this but I agree with another poster who pointed out that you're paying her for the session. YOU are the 'customer'. I wonder if this is an opportunity for you to be firm and let your T that YOU want your session to include talking about the week because you find it therapeutic even if your T does not.

Have you asked you T why she is so against you sharing the "news" from your week? Maybe if you understood her "why" you could work together to find a a solution. I also have to remember that my T relationship is in some ways like any other relationship. It has ups and downs. Closer times and more distant times. Stick with it. Stick with your T. Fight through this tough time. It's hard, I know.

A few things. Firstly I thought all parts were welcome? So she shouldn't criticize you for your need to talk about your week and hopefully she isn't. I wonder if she thinks you may be using this chatter as a distraction to any other problems? Everything should be observed.

Secondly, I wonder if the lack of attraction is because you do feel put out that she doesn't seem to care about your week and is maybe not as gentle as usual? This part doesn't feel cared for so all parts are struggling?

Maybe it's an orientation thing? I have no idea how much time I spend reporting on the events of my week, but they are very much part of my therapy. I feel like we work on my issues as they come up and cause problems in my life. I agree with skysblue as well that things can emerge as relevant as time goes on. It's hard to know what's important as its happening, so I think an openness to sharing and hearing can be a good thing. But perhaps she wants to work differently? Sounds hard to balance.

I see this differently - those of us without partners often have other people we share the events of our day (or our week, as in this case). I've never regarded the sharing of daily (or weekly) life as something only for people with partners. We single people can have rich and close relationships as well, and sharing our everyday details can be very much a part of that.

Pennster, sounds like you and Red Panda are essentially making the same point though, - that you share everyday details with a partner OR a friend OR a relative etc, but not a T?

Maybe, herein lies the difference between most counselling approaches, ie a safe space to offload and be heard and metaphorically held, and most psychotherapy which aims to look a bit deeper/bigger. Rainbow, if your T is used to, and trained to, work with the big stuff, she might feel frustrated by the details. Also, if you're trying to look at her but she says you're looking sideways, perhaps she is accurately picking up that this is an avoidance technique on your part, keep talking about the daily stuff and and the painful stuff?

No, sorry if I was unclear! I didn't at all mean to imply that there is no space in the therapueutic relationship to share details of everyday life. I don't pass judgement on that for other people, and anyway the way I work with my therapist very much involves updates of my week.

I was differing with the idea that there is only one kind of relationship in which this kind of sharing happens - I think it can happen in many different kinds of relationships, and I imagine there are a not insignificant number of people who use therapy for this.

100% this! I am not a good writer but I completely agree with this.

I like lolagrace's suggestion as well, rainbow. Do you think you could try it an experiment for a couple of sessions and see how it works for you? Sometimes I think it helps to play around with different ways of doing things.

I often feel like I'm "reporting" but in reality I'm discussing the most pertinent issues and what's eating at me. T usually listens then we try to hone in on what the underlying need is, or what progress needs to be recognized.

I saw my first T for nine months and in all that time told her virtually nothing about my daily life, it seemed too hard to do. I'm beginning to do it with my current T. It seems a bit incomprehensible to me that your T is telling you not to do this. I think therapy can be talking about lots of different things. I don't think you need to talk about trauma necessarily.

just saying that when *I* do a lot of going through what's happening in my week I am avoiding deeper work. My T will tolerate it for a while but if I go on for more than 15 min she will call me on it and try to redirect me

I think sessions should go as you want them to. Could you spend 10 minutes on your daily life if thats what you want to talk about and then talk about the bigger issues for the rest of the session? That would be a balance.

I think its a good thing you don't feel "in love" or attracted to your T anymore. I think it was causing you more harm than good and it might be a sign that, that part is over and you learned from it. Maybe you can view your relationship with your T in a new light. She is not and can't be your partner but she is a good T and she can be there for you and help you with stuff that most other people can't. T's have a special place in our lives just for the sole fact that they are our T's.

Although it can feel jarring, having a T inquire into the "why" behind a behavior doesn't necessarily translate into criticism or a complaint. Analyzing the driving forces behind behavior can often be a very productive (if grueling) aspect of therapy.

ALL of this! ^^^

I do do a lot of yakking, but that was part of how he thought we would approach it. I talk - OBVIOUSLY you don't talk at length about the good stuff. Or I don't. I'll tell him I'm doing good in school and then we will move on to something. Could be the husband ticking me off. So then it becomes why is that bugging you? Where do you think it comes from etc.? Put it this way - RARE is the session that doesn't have me BAWLING! It ALWAYS goes deep and that starts oftentimes from the most trivial of conversations.

I think whether or not a T "allows" a lot of reporting or chit chat depends on the orientation of the therapist. My therapist is not offering what he calls "supportive" therapy. He says that some people just need some extra support in life: a safe place to just talk and get their feelings validated and there are therapists who offer that. That is not what he does or what he offers. He sees therapy as work; there is a point that he and the person are working toward. He does not see therapy as a life long thing. You go, work at what you need to and then you stop therapy. Perhaps your therapist is not criticizing you, but is trying to continue to help you break your pattern by trying to bring your focus back to the WORK of breaking that pattern, and helping you not lapse back into that pattern. You have worked really hard and made great progress. Perhaps she is truly trying to help you maintain that progress even through this painful time of losing your husband.

First, I'm grateful for all of these wonderful replies! I kept reading them but I have had a busy day so now I can finally sit down and answer them.

Lauriza, the problem with it, and I probably didn't make it clear enough, is that I have been spending about half my session reporting, and not working on what I'm reporting. The first time I did this (I didn't used to do so much reporting but there never was so much going on as there has been since my H passed) T stopped me and said "I don't think you're fully present." And I wasn't. She went on to say that then I won't feel connected to her when I leave and I will feel upset/frustrated about that. That's true! We've been working on a couple of other important issues, and I'm NOT avoiding them. There just isn't enough time in the session. When I had 90 minute sessions, I could talk about my week for half and hour and we still had an hour left. I don't know if she would do that now. I could see her every 2 weeks instead but I don't think she has 90 minute slots available anymore. Besides, I have gotten used to seeing her weekly and I don't want to change that.

I honestly think I'm not attracted to her now because of the way she looks. I even asked her in my email if she was all right. She doesn't seem so cheerful; she looks tired and not as vibrant as she used to be. She's not wearing her contacts anymore, and I don't like her glasses. Her hair is different. I want my old T back! I know it's healthier for me not to be attracted to her, but I sort of wish she'd look like she used to. I don't think I'm making it up that she looks different.

Yes, I'm paying her, and I know I can talk about what I want, but I agree with her that I'm not getting the most out of my session by spending half the time talking about my week. She has never liked talk therapy because she said I've had that for years, which is true. She likes SE and IFS, and to focus on how my body feels. We were working with SE and sexual stuff, which I want to do. I'm not avoiding it. I just can't seem to help myself. Maybe when less is going on in my life, I won't have to report as much. My feelings changed before she complained, not after.

T always asks me at the beginning of the session, "what seems like a good place to start?" I never know because there is so much I want to talk about. I didn't really want to talk about my week, except a little about my daughter, but that was related to something else, so I kept talking. She didn't realize I wanted help with that situation, but I really wanted to get back to the other subject, and had in fact brought some letters I wanted to share with her. But I wanted to report first! I wasn't distracting; I felt compelled to tell her because I want to feel connected to her. I do sort of see her as a friend, but my friends don't have time or inclination to hear about all my stuff! I am going to have to set a limit on my reporting but I don't want to. I did get to read the letters, and get back to that subject, and also had time to talk about my reaction to looking at her, and to feel connected. It could be that she objects only because I don't seem present when I am rambling on with my report.

I don't see how I am pushing at boundaries by wanting to talk about my week. You mean that's not the purpose of therapy? That's probably what my T believes.

It's always nice to "see" you here, skysblue. My T is not against my talking about my week. I think it's what I posted before, that she sees that I'm not looking at her, that I'm talking fast, and that I don't stop to discuss anything. I'm frustrated with that too, but at the same time I want it. It's a dilemma. I will have to find a way to stop myself but then I feel really, really bad that I haven't told her everything. I could email her what I don't talk about, and she will read it, but that seems like I'm taking advantage of my T.

Thanks, doogie. She told me it's because I'm not present, and I think that she thinks it's not productive. I will ask her again, to clarify it. She's just against all the time I spent reporting. She does want to hear what's going on in my life. When I bring in a painting, we talk about it. She thinks that's more productive, it seems, and it probably is, because I am happy, then. It's okay to talk about feeling sad, of course, but my painting is something that builds up my Self, which is T's goal for me. I agree with that goal.

LOL, Jane. Yes, all parts are still welcome! She's not criticizing me, just trying to help me get the most out of my sessions. I know it seems like I'm not attracted to her because she's not as gentle, but I don't think that's the case. It's true she's been more directive lately, and not as gentle but that doesn't have to do with my attraction to her, which is strictly physical. I love her personality too, but that's different. I may be wrong, but my attraction has been largely based on aesthetics, if that makes sense. I liked the way she looked. I think the attraction will come back, though. Maybe something is wrong with me, not her. Holding her hand felt blah! That's weird.

I'm not arguing that things come up with what I bring in, and talk about. In my kind of therapy, the way I experience sitting down and looking at T is important to discuss. Anything can be relevant. I can talk about my week with others in my life, but only T HAS to listen. Again, probably to do with my Mom wanting to hear all the details. It's also the way I do it. I want to tell her the things and then move on to something else. Usually. It's almost like I want to tell her everything that I did, and how I managed, and how I felt, in one big lump, and THEN we go back to regularly scheduled business. Unless I say something is what I want to work on. I have trouble deciding what's most important to work on each week.

Not exactly. My T isn't frustrated with the details of what I feel and where I feel it in my body, and what I feel looking at her. So maybe the details rattled off do frustrate her. I don't think she feels she's helping me when I do that. It's an eye contact problem, the not looking at her. Not wanting to be seen, being ashamed and feeling shy. I'm that way with people in Real Life too. We talked about it a lot yesterday. That was productive.

Yes, I agree that sharing details about life can happen in most any relationship, and I do share some, but not the way I do with my T.

Thank you.

I can talk faster to get it all in, but that's exactly what my T does NOT want me to do. I can limit myself to 10 minutes but that's hard. I can pick out what's important and forget the rest. But I've tried that, and when I leave, I feel disappointed that I didn't "get to tell T about _____" I will try again, though.

Sometimes I'm doing that, and sometimes I just want to update T about my life.

To clarify, Brown Owl, my T is not telling me not to talk about my daily life at all. Just not for half the session, and not without connecting with her and being "present" in the room with her.

It doesn't seem to me that I'm avoiding deeper work but maybe I am. I still feel like I want to do both, but there's not enough time. I have to make a decision, and of course that brings up the "I'm your job" feelings. I can't tell her everything AND work on deeper things. I have to make a choice, or ask her what we can do about it. If I didn't think it wasn't good for me, I'd pay her more and see her for 90 minutes. I think that would be a step backwards for my growth, though.

I could try the 10 minutes, but it always seems to take more. I will try again! Yes, it's good that I don't feel attracted to my T. The problem is as soon as I say that, something changes, like her hairstyle, or her clothing (and, yes I'm ashamed of the way I feel. I don't pick my friends that way) and I will be attracted again. I hope not, but but a part wants that of course. I know what I really want is a partner to feel attracted to.....

I agree. Thank you.

Thanks for sharing. Sometimes that happens in my sessions, but never the crying. I never have cried in 6 years, the entire therapy. T wants me to talk about the good stuff, though. Then she can have me tell how and where I feel it, and she notices that I'm smiling and happy!

I'm pretty sure I miscommunicated my thoughts this morning!

It sounds like you are trying to cram a weeks worth of daily updates into what should be more of a summary of the week. Like.... I have a good friend at work, as I see her regularly she hears a lot more about my day. But other friends who I see less often, still get the main things but they don't hear all the things I felt I needed to share on a daily basis.

When I see my counsellor, we do go over what went on between sessions as that's the stuff we are working on. There are plenty of things I could usually bring up, but it would be too much so I decide what feels most important for me to share. Sometimes throughout the session I find myself tossing in more details of the week that just fit I. To the flow of the conversation. So, while I update him if what is currently going on it is only in the context of what we are doing.

As an example - the next time I see him I may mention that I finally put some shelves up that I've wanted to put up for months. Totally sounds trivial, but it is evidence that I am getting out of this depression and am starting to get the energy up to do things on my to-do list that aren't the basics. But I might not share that as I've already had something larger go on that is also relevant to what we work on.

At the end, on the way out, is when I'm likely to share just little things from my life (usually stories about students) or stuff that I just wanted to share really.

Could you try writing a list of the weekly things you want to share, and then narrow it down and put it in order of what you think is the most important to talk about?

You may be right. My T wants me to build up my core Self so that I will not have to depend on her, or want her to play a prominent role in my life. That is my WORK, but of course there are other issues too. A lot of them, but they all lead to the same concept of building up my Self, I think. But at the same time, I do go for support and to get my feelings validated, and when I told her I want to see her until one of us dies or moves away, she didn't say no. Of course she may think otherwise. I can't imagine not seeing her, but I never want to leave any relationship or anything I'm involved with, until I'm forced to.

I agree. I stop myself if I am rambling on about my week, because it isn't focusing on the "real" issues. Sure, a child screaming into my ear for an hour is not fun, but I don't need to discuss it for more than a minute, because over all, it isn't a big deal.

I don't know. When I go in, I always want to tell her the things but not necessarily talk about them. Sometimes she asks questions and then before I know it, 20 or 25 minutes goes by. Those things are not usually the most important to talk about; I just want her to KNOW them, to hear them. Just to CARE about the daily stuff about me, and to hear it. I know I'm repeating myself, and I'm probably asking T for the impossible, because of the limits of therapy. I never had this problem with 90 minute sessions. I don't even pay her full price, so I can't ask her for 90 minutes. I wish I could, but I posted before that it wouldn't be helpful in the long run. I have to face the fact that I have choices. Keep reporting to her and having 30 minutes of therapy, cutting down my report and seeing if I can tolerate that, or asking for 90 minute sessions. I have to accept the limits and make my choice, and not have a temper tantrum about it. Easy to write, hard to do.