I have a dear friend at church who also struggles with mental health issues; in fact, we have the same diagnosis. We were talking today between services, touching base, and we got on the topic of our pdocs and therapists.

We are both pretty fortunate. We have very supportive families, we feel very supported by our faith community, we have good friends. And while she and I can talk to each other in ways and about things we wouldn't with most people, we both were sharing our gratitude for having the pdocs and therapists that we do. We got to talking about what they have been able to provide for us that the other people in our life generally just can't do.

For her, she said what her therapist can provide that others in her life cannot is a clear, objective reality check. She has lots of problems with mania and occasionally psychosis, so even though family members may try to let her know when she's accelerating into mania, she realizes she doesn't always willingly hear it from them, but when it comes from her therapist or pdoc, she is more able to really hear them and more likely to take proactive action to head things off before they get too far out of hand. They serve to help her stay regulated and monitored.

For me, I guess what mine provide that others cannot is witness to the details and pain of my history. While my husband knows in general terms what I went through, only my therapist and pdoc really know the very specific details. Their ability to hear me and accept me and validate for me that what happened was what it was and that my responses and issues that have resulted are valid and normal under the circumstances was always a relief. They bore respectful witness to my history and helped me put that history in its rightful place. No one else could have really done that for me.

I think we all have very individual reasons for seeking therapy, but it was interesting to have this conversation with someone who, even as open as we are with each other, understood how a therapist can often provide something others simply cannot. What is it, ultimately, that your therapist is able to provide that no one else can, even those people you are closest and most open with?

[atisketatasket]

Probably won't be a common answer: they can provide help via a relationship that does not involve emotional messiness or complications, unlike most of my real world close relationships. Heck, even emotions at all.

No. 1 did middling-okay at it. No. 2 was great at it. No. 3 seems like she might be good at it.

[stopdog]

They stay back. I can tell them things and they are not affected (or if they are - so as not to have that debate again - I don't have to pay attention to it) because they are not part of my real life. I can tell them things because they don't matter. They get no stake in me or my words, my choices, or actions.

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Probably won't be a common answer: they can provide help via a relationship that does not involve emotional messiness or complications, unlike most of my real world close relationships. Heck, even emotions at all.

No. 1 did middling-okay at it. No. 2 was great at it. No. 3 seems like she might be good at it.

I get that. I think that relational, emotional distance is exactly why I was able to share so much with them. I think I feel a need to protect other people from the details whereas with my therapist I don't have that messy emotional relationship stuff that gets in the way. I totally agree.

[divine1966]

My t is can listen to me as a neutral third party or give me neutral opinion that others in my life can't do because they are involved with me emotionally.

My t is s caring person but I doubt she would go home crying over something I shared while my mother for example will worry herself sick etc also with minor exceptions my t doesn't advice and just listen while people in my life like to offer advice.

For example when I complain about something like price on things or my work load my daughter tells me to move in with them ( she only stopped after I got engaged) Every time. In fact she even got upset few times when I told her there is no good reason for me to move. Etc my dad advices something every time I share. It's annoying. My t doesn't advice ( almost never)


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[MobiusPsyche]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I get that. I think that relational, emotional distance is exactly why I was able to share so much with them. I think I feel a need to protect other people from the details whereas with my therapist I don't have that messy emotional relationship stuff that gets in the way. I totally agree.

I can really relate to the part about protecting other people.... Thanks for that.

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[velcro003]

For me (right now at least), I let my T see my self-hatred, and try to be as honest as I can with her. I wasn't honest a lot of hte time with my past T's, so this is weird and new for me.

[ruh roh]

I don't have a supportive family or friends, so it's hard to relate to those who do and even harder to say what a therapist does that others in my life don't. Even with my therapist, it's a challenge to stay engaged. I guess she is someone who's there and is usually listening.

My T can listen to me talk about my dysfunctional family system without needing to give me advice on if I should leave or stay.

I can tell her the ugly specifics of painful / traumatizing things I would not want to burden another person, not even a peer, or my significant other.

I can tell her how much I hate myself without having to worry about protecting her, or put up a positive front.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

I can tell her how much I hate myself without having to worry about protecting her, or put up a positive front.

That is nice, isn't it? No one knows how much I hate myself, except my T. My family thinks my life is all sunshine and rainbows, and while most of my friends know I am in therapy, and my closest friend knows the most, she doesn't know the extent of it.

Originally Posted by velcro003

That is nice, isn't it? No one knows how much I hate myself, except my T. My family thinks my life is all sunshine and rainbows, and while most of my friends know I am in therapy, and my closest friend knows the most, she doesn't know the extent of it.

Yeah, I dunno about you (maybe you feel this too?) for me, there's this pressure to be upbeat, and come across as positive, uplifting and full of self-love.

Especially when life is objectively decent or people say "oh your life is ok, what do you have to be unhappy about?"

The self hatred is still there of course, and it's not like I can tell friends / loved ones "I hate myself so much, I wish I was never born" because they'll be like "You're a good person!" when I'm thinking "if only you knew how horrible I really am underneath the facade."

Baring the shame is another thing I could only really do to a therapist.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Yeah, I dunno about you (maybe you feel this too?) for me, there's this pressure to be upbeat, and come across as positive, uplifting and full of self-love.

Especially when life is objectively decent or people say "oh your life is ok, what do you have to be unhappy about?"

The self hatred is still there of course, and it's not like I can tell friends / loved ones "I hate myself so much, I wish I was never born" because they'll be like "You're a good person!" when I'm thinking "if only you knew how horrible I really am underneath the facade."

Well the thing is, I don't let people close enough to me to tell me these things I tell myself those things though. My life IS good! I wasn't abused. I have absloutely zero reason to feel the way I do. I try to keep my rage under control, as I work with preschoolers. My closest friend knows I can get "ragey" (my techinical term), but she doesn't know the extent of it.

[awkwardlyyours]

For me, her giving me insights into how stuff that happened in the past had an impact on both my childhood and my present-day life is super helpful.

And in the same vein, her helping me figure out why people in my life may have done / said the stuff they did has been incredibly helpful.

Mostly because I often feel like I'm flailing in absolute darkness when it comes to understanding both myself and other people at a basic emotional level.

I don't think either of those things could be done by anyone other than a trained professional or at least, I'll likely dismiss it coming from anyone else (and that's even assuming that I was willing to disclose stuff in such detail to anyone else).

Originally Posted by velcro003

Well the thing is, I don't let people close enough to me to tell me these things I tell myself those things though. My life IS good! I wasn't abused. I have absloutely zero reason to feel the way I do. I try to keep my rage under control, as I work with preschoolers. My closest friend knows I can get "ragey" (my techinical term), but she doesn't know the extent of it.

Thing is, in my opinion, even if your life was the best best best, there could still be reasons why you feel this way.

You might not been abused, but how about being emotionally neglected, or simply not being seen for who you were as a child?

Or you had great family and friends but then biochemical reasons.

I do identify with telling oneself "I have no reason to feel this way" (I do that quite a bit too), but then my T also likes to say "Maybe trying to understand why is a distraction and what matters is you do feel self hatred, you do feel miserable and that's a fact."

I definitely hope your T and you (and me and my T!) can continue to have that safe space to discuss the self hatred.

[musial]

Most importantly, never-ending patience. And a lot more insight than my friends or (especially) family.

[AllHeart]

My t ultimately gives me understanding without judgement. She gives me a sense of belonging. Somehow, she provides me with the belief that I am a person worthy of all things good.

[Gavinandnikki]

I dislike being cliche, but it was the "unconditional positive regard" and the love for me that was so clearly shown, year after year.
My therapist rocked.

No matter what we went through for over 5+ years, 3-4 times per week.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

A lot of patience, understanding on psychologist level, a safe place to talk about anything, someone to talk about my suicidal thoughts with, the ability to talk about anything and go into every detail without having to worry about how its effecting her, I get my feelings validated, her insights as third party person who can give me suggestions, one hour of the focus being on me.

I really like how I don't have to worry about how something effects her or about going into so much detail. She "gets me" on a level that no one does. She empowers me and makes me feel like I can take on the world. She also gives me a sense of belonging.

lolagrace, thank you for the positive thread.

Containment to fall apart without shame and judgement, and the space and time for me to figure out how to put myself together as I see fit.

For me he offers the space to talk about what I need to, useful insights which help me along the way, an unwavering reliability, and most importantly I don't have to edit my thoughts and feelings to spare his feelings. I can be as honest with him as I am with myself.

Originally Posted by lolagrace

I have a dear friend at church who also struggles with mental health issues; in fact, we have the same diagnosis. We were talking today between services, touching base, and we got on the topic of our pdocs and therapists.

We are both pretty fortunate. We have very supportive families, we feel very supported by our faith community, we have good friends. And while she and I can talk to each other in ways and about things we wouldn't with most people, we both were sharing our gratitude for having the pdocs and therapists that we do. We got to talking about what they have been able to provide for us that the other people in our life generally just can't do.

For her, she said what her therapist can provide that others in her life cannot is a clear, objective reality check. She has lots of problems with mania and occasionally psychosis, so even though family members may try to let her know when she's accelerating into mania, she realizes she doesn't always willingly hear it from them, but when it comes from her therapist or pdoc, she is more able to really hear them and more likely to take proactive action to head things off before they get too far out of hand. They serve to help her stay regulated and monitored.

For me, I guess what mine provide that others cannot is witness to the details and pain of my history. While my husband knows in general terms what I went through, only my therapist and pdoc really know the very specific details. Their ability to hear me and accept me and validate for me that what happened was what it was and that my responses and issues that have resulted are valid and normal under the circumstances was always a relief. They bore respectful witness to my history and helped me put that history in its rightful place. No one else could have really done that for me.

I think we all have very individual reasons for seeking therapy, but it was interesting to have this conversation with someone who, even as open as we are with each other, understood how a therapist can often provide something others simply cannot. What is it, ultimately, that your therapist is able to provide that no one else can, even those people you are closest and most open with?

That's true for me to, my t can say things to me that I won't 'hear' from say, my h. If that makes sense.

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What a good thread Lola!!
What my therapist can and should provide is safety, containment and a space to say things I can't tell others and to hold whatever I tell her and that she won't over react

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[unaluna]

Well, if youre gonna write a new narrative for your life, it probably helps to have a congruent audience. Cuz your old audience probably isnt gonna agree with it. "Did i do that?" (Urkel, the name finally came to me!) If You cant go home again, youre gonna need help moving on. I am, anyway.

Yep. I need help moving on. From a lot of things, t included (as wonderful as she is).

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