[UglyDucky]

I think I've not detached from a past BF from years ago. I've not dated since then and though T and I haven't talked about the relationship, I can feel it has some impact on our therapy process. I've been in paternal transference for a while now, and think I've attached to T, but not absolutely sure. I have always intended to talk to T about this ex-BF (T knows about him), but we've been heavily into trying to deal with other issues lately.

Attachment issues abound here on PC, but I've never seen mention of anyone possibly not detaching from a former romantic relationship. Is failure to detach it's own problem, or is it lumped into attachment theory (couldn't find evidence of this in my research).

A related question...can one attach to T based on a past romantic relationship? I haven't noticed this as a topic here, either.

Thoughts? Opinions?

[Out There]

I had trouble detatching from a past romantic relationship which I think had elements of abandonment. I'm not sure if it affected my therapy relationship. I'm fairly secure in attachment to my T ( very healing and took a lot of work ). This is interesting and hope others will respond on this.

I can relate to what you are saying ugly ducky!
I know I am still very attached to my ex partner whom our relationship ended 6 years ago.
In my case it's directly related to attachment and trauma.
I have issues with abandonment and she did completely abandon me and cut all ties without discussion or reason and it hurt like hell. I be a arm very traumatised afterwards and shocked by her behaviour. It was very malicious and downright evil.
I feel sometimes I am detached and other times I feel I can't live without her. It comes in waves of grief and attachment. It's very difficult to understand let alone process but I believe the detachment will come when I am ready.
My t doesn't work with attachment and doesn't really understand my process, she says I am very invested in suffering but how can you just let go and move on if you still love someone with all of your heart.

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I think it's more about the fantasy we had around that person that we still hold onto.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by Out There

I had trouble detatching from a past romantic relationship which I think had elements of abandonment. I'm not sure if it affected my therapy relationship. I'm fairly secure in attachment to my T ( very healing and took a lot of work ). This is interesting and hope others will respond on this.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I, too, have elements of abandonment and loss in my history, which is what prompted me to pose this question. I'm glad to hear you feel secure in your attachment to your T...perhaps I'm uncertain of my attachment due to an avoidant attachment style. We're making progress, but I do still wonder about the subject of detachment.

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I think it's more about the fantasy we had around that person that we still hold onto.

The fantasy or the memory of the feelings? I'm having many periods of 'memories of feelings' lately, about several different types of relationships. So, do you think we simply detach from people when they are no longer part of our lives? (Honest question...not being flip about your thought/opinion)

[UglyDucky]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

I can relate to what you are saying ugly ducky!
I know I am still very attached to my ex partner whom our relationship ended 6 years ago.
In my case it's directly related to attachment and trauma.
I have issues with abandonment and she did completely abandon me and cut all ties without discussion or reason and it hurt like hell. I be a arm very traumatised afterwards and shocked by her behaviour. It was very malicious and downright evil.
I feel sometimes I am detached and other times I feel I can't live without her. It comes in waves of grief and attachment. It's very difficult to understand let alone process but I believe the detachment will come when I am ready.
My t doesn't work with attachment and doesn't really understand my process, she says I am very invested in suffering but how can you just let go and move on if you still love someone with all of your heart.



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Interesting (and sad) situation you described. I'm sorry for your distress. I, too, think there must be a detachment process, whereas, one detaches when the person is ready. But I wonder how it affects our relationships before that happens. Thanks for sharing.

Originally Posted by UglyDucky

The fantasy or the memory of the feelings? I'm having many periods of 'memories of feelings' lately, about several different types of relationships. So, do you think we simply detach from people when they are no longer part of our lives? (Honest question...not being flip about your thought/opinion)

I think if the relationship was healthy than yes, we detach with love. We never forget anyone, nor should we.
But if the relationship /we, aren't emotionally secure, than we harbour all sorts of fantasy during and after the break up.