Therapist treating me like crap again--shocking, no?

Maybe not now, but at some point, you will find it helpful to file a complaint against this guy. In the meantime, I'm glad you're able to see more of who he really is. Nothing of what you have ever described about him sounded like therapy was happening.

I've been listening to some of my old recordings of our sessions and sometimes I think he really did try with me but I kept pushing the issue. In a session I was listening to last night, he openly admitted he was a narcissist and he was like, "Duh, you didn't know??" He said his personality type is attracted to my personality type. I feel that we were both getting something out of this. I liked his attention and he loved getting it. We fed off each other and the situation, which he once described as "titillating." I feel like it's not entirely his fault because I always put him in a ****** position. If he didn't give me the attention I wanted, I would get mad. So, I think for a long time he was afraid to cut it off was because he didn't want to hurt me or shove me out of theraoy, because I would have blown up. We both did this. I'm hurt how he's handled it and won't speak to me, but I guess that's expected after his girlfriend got involved and came to my house. If I hadn't been fired from my job, I'd still be doing therapy with him, and he would never have gotten caught. We could have kept our little "game" a secret but I ****ed up by sending too many nude pictures. As soon as we had that on text record, I kind of knew I was crossing into unknown territory. But I liked it. I liked the whole damn thing, even though I miss him like crazy. I wish it didn't have to end like this, but he said that nothing is ever good enough for me, and any text that he replies to would lead me to keep texting back, and the cycle would never end. He had said he's choosing her relationship with her and that professionally he messed up. Therapy with T2 is so different. It's hard to move on. I've spent mostly 7 years without a boyfriend, but my friend pointed out that 4 of those years I was stuck on T. Which is true. I would never date anyone while seeing him. I didn't need to. I'd have sex with guys, and get my emotional fulfillment with him. I would just incorporate him into my sex life. We loved it. I loved it. Damn it. I don't think I'll be seeing him in two years because my friend threatened to report him and I stupidly warned him about it. That's when he blocked me on Facebook. I wonder if he's shaking in his boots with all of these sexual allegations lately (Weinstein, etc). If I came out with it, it would be a huge scandal in our city because he is very well loved here and somewhat of a "local celebrity," or so he thought. It would be in the news. I couldn't do that to him.

You seem to be blaming yourself a bit here. As the therapist, it was his responsibility to hold the boundaries (a responsibility at which he seriously failed!), not yours.

I do blame myself sometimes. It just hurts knowing I'll never see him again. Even after the two year waiting period. He doesn't want me in his life, which went against everything he said in therapy. He said our personality types were naturally drawn to each other. He said he would never abandon me, no matter what, and I made him promise. He broke that promise. Everything got ****ed up. I miss the good times. He was the fire in my life that is now missing. My life isn't bright anymore.

He was an abuser who took advantage of his position of power. At some point, I hope you can see the reality of his abuse and lose the fantasy that he somehow actually cared for anyone or anything but his own jollies.

SJPQ~
Though my deal didn't have the love component, I did have a disproportionate view of therapists which was very harmful when they became abusive.
They fed this with dominance displays, and I felt great shame when things went sour.

The shame receded with over weeks and years (though I still have some irrational lagging guilt that I'm "truant.") But perspective definitely chances over time.

A couple of people supported me outside of my subsequent therapy. I also might a very large geographical move for a very large job change that pulled my attention away from the damage. I when I finally filed a grievance, it was eye-opening to see how fixed my therapist was in his infallibility and his willingness to throw me under the bus to save himself. The referring therapist was the same way.

I'm considering seeing a female therapist. I'm afraid talking about sexuality ABOUT an older male therapist WITH an older male therapist could be too titillating for T2. I know he wouldn't be weird, but it makes me uncomfortable talking about my fantasies for old T. I don't want any possible counter transference popping up on his end. I freeze up when asked sexual questions, even simple ones. Like if he asks if I have an orgasm or what positions I like. I just can't do it.

It sounds like a good idea to see a female therapist.

I'm trying to imagine a good reason for any T to ask what sexual positions you like and can't think of one.

To clarify, questions from T1 or T2??

I was wondering this as well. These aren't appropriate questions for a T to ask...

It's T2. I would consider, given my issues and past, that he wouldn't go there. At least I hope he wouldn't.

I definitely wouldn’t be comfortable with those questions and wonder what relevance they have to therapy. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

He's really very nice and has even met my mom in session. I sometimes bring up hooking up with guys, but him asking if I like giving blow jobs skeeves me out. It didn't with old T, because I was attracted to him. Last session T2 took me on a cigarette break. I wonder if he's too attached to the situation. He's heard that recording before and even knows old T, but only on a first name basis. He's been with me intermittently over the years even with T1. Going to a new therapist and telling my long and complicated story over again will be difficult.

Sigh. I’m skeeved for you.

I'm frustrated with therapy as a whole. Should I stop altogether?

It depends what your goals and the support you need to go forward. (Mind you, I did drop it for different reasons, but benefited from body work, yoga, workouts, creative projects.) What you’re reporting with these guys is titillation and voyeurism, not therapy.

The important thing is your life, not their kicks. Will resuming work be possible? Maybe look for more concrete support to pull some things back together?

I"d try a female T before stopping entirely.

T2 asked you that? I think it depends on the context, whether it's OK vs. skeevy. If you were saying how, for example, everyone you hook up with seems to expect BJs, then *maybe* I could see your T asking if it's something you enjoy vs. something you feel obligated to do. But I think much of it might depend on his tone, how he's asking you.