After some really horrific experiences with my t lately I was planning to confront her this week and get her to own her part in all of this and not to blame me for everything.
Things didn't go to plan and t actually lost a close family member this week and had to cancel our session. She will be in touch to reschedule.
I felt so bad that she was going through this, it's not acceptable what she said and did but I can be more sympathetic towards her own struggles.
I worry about seeing her again and my instinct is to mind her. I imagined hugging her when I see her next, we have never hugged so it could be either very awkward or very healing. I am trying to sensor everything I want to bring up next session but I know that she would be angry if I did that. I am not sure how to react to this because I want to take care of her and another part of me is angry that she was so mean and hurtful to me over the last few sessions. I am conflicted and confused!

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[Favorite Jeans]

Maybe talk to her about all those feelings?

[atisketatasket]

Bad things happen to everyone, whatever their behavior toward others. She has people to take care of her. She should know how to take care of herself. I would not lose sight of the behavior from her that was hurtful.

[JaneTennison1]

Not. Your. Job. You are an empathetic person and you care but it's not at all your job. She is not your client, your colleague, your friend she is your T. You don't have to worry about taking care of her or protecting her feelings. This is her job. To serve your interests. She's being a terrible T to you.

[JaneTennison1]

I would also maybe go and see an ethical T for some guidance. The chances of you getting her to own anything or even understand where she is wrong are slim to none. This is a T who thinks it's acceptable to make fun of you, I clearly don't think she is interested in listening. If you confront her then do it for you, and to get support maybe seek out another T.

[JustShakey]

Mona, what happened to the other T you were seeing for a bit? The one who was decent to you?

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Bad things happen to everyone, whatever their behavior toward others. She has people to take care of her. She should know how to take care of herself. I would not lose sight of the behavior from her that was hurtful.

I agree with atisketatasket.

If you can, I would see the other therapist until this therapist's situation passes. Then go back and address what is bothering you. I'm not in favor of addressing something difficult with the problem therapist while she's going through something difficult in her personal life. I am nervous she will react in a way that's hurtful to you, for no reason other than she's going through a bad time. I would also not want to waste my money trying to be nice to her until the bad time passes.

[awkwardlyyours]

Can you ask for / take a break before you see her again? I don't know if that will work in your situation -- if it does, I'd think it would be ideal to give yourself a bit of space to deal with the heat of immediately having to decide between wanting to not hurt her and yet making your feelings known.

But, yeah, after the break, I'd go with what others have said about not forgetting what she's done.

I haven't faced this problem with a T but I've repeatedly run into this with ex-partners / 'friends' / family I've been hurt by -- what's usually helped me (and this may have limited mileage for you) is to think through the consequences of each type of action I could take.

Usually, given my past interactions with the person, I'll have a pretty good idea of how things will shake out. So, then I've decided what I can live with based on -- a) what I want my relationship with the other person to ultimately shake out to be (or if I don't want a relationship at all); and b) my values / principles.

Sometimes this has meant just keeping quiet and not getting involved at all because that's been my most 'authentic' response and I believed it would help me in detaching in the long run.

And, at other times, it's meant that I've been involved / helped in a very limited capacity after having decided on my boundaries (which I wouldn't necessarily disclose to the other person) and sticking to it.

Of course, this hasn't made it any less painful, not to mention that it has sucked up a huge amount of cognitive resources. And, of course, brought on a ton of negative responses from the other person (usually not the most stable people) -- so, knowing that I decided on what to do in advance helped somewhat to stand my ground.

My T recently lost someone close to him. I only know this because my session was on the same day as the funeral and he had to rearrange. He was clearly affected but made it clear to me that he could take care of himself.
I know you have had lots of extraneous issues with this T, and it actually reminds me of wanting to take care of T1. Please remember that this is not therapy. It is ethically wrong for her to take payment for a service you aren't receiving and right now you aren't receiving effective therapy.
I do hope you move on from this T

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Maybe talk to her about all those feelings?

I will try, thank you FJ

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Bad things happen to everyone, whatever their behavior toward others. She has people to take care of her. She should know how to take care of herself. I would not lose sight of the behavior from her that was hurtful.

Thank you, it's helpful to see that she has more people around her to take of her than I do. I have no one in my life but I still don't treat people badly.

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Not. Your. Job. You are an empathetic person and you care but it's not at all your job. She is not your client, your colleague, your friend she is your T. You don't have to worry about taking care of her or protecting her feelings. This is her job. To serve your interests. She's being a terrible T to you.

Thank you Jane, she is being terrible and going through a hard time right now. I understand she shouldn't bring her personal life into her therapy but she does all the time. I even gave her a chance to rectify this but she didn't take it!

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I would also maybe go and see an ethical T for some guidance. The chances of you getting her to own anything or even understand where she is wrong are slim to none. This is a T who thinks it's acceptable to make fun of you, I clearly don't think she is interested in listening. If you confront her then do it for you, and to get support maybe seek out another T.

I started seeing a new t because of all of this but she was too far away to see regularly. I brought this situation up in college last weekend and my tutor wanted to report her. I wouldn't give her my ts name. She said she shouldn't be practising therapy.

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Mona, what happened to the other T you were seeing for a bit? The one who was decent to you?

I saw her this weekend and she was so lovely. She gave me two lovely big hugs and helped me to make sense of things. I really like this t, she is on my side not like other t.
[https://www.instagram.com/p/BB3flzmo...eely;4956937]I agree with atisketatasket.


If you can, I would see the other therapist until this therapist's situation passes. Then go back and address what is bothering you. I'm not in favor of addressing something difficult with the problem therapist while she's going through something difficult in her personal life. I am nervous she will react in a way that's hurtful to you, for no reason other than she's going through a bad time. I would also not want to waste my money trying to be nice to her until the bad time passes.[/QUOTE]

I agree with you, she will be even worse now because of her loss. She is bad enough now!
I think she really has an issue with her own sadness and her own emotions. She thinks that because I have awareness of my situation I should just be able to change overnight. That's not how it works but it frustrates t, she thinks I am some sort of project.

Originally Posted by awkwardlyyours

Can you ask for / take a break before you see her again? I don't know if that will work in your situation -- if it does, I'd think it would be ideal to give yourself a bit of space to deal with the heat of immediately having to decide between wanting to not hurt her and yet making your feelings known.

But, yeah, after the break, I'd go with what others have said about not forgetting what she's done.

I haven't faced this problem with a T but I've repeatedly run into this with ex-partners / 'friends' / family I've been hurt by -- what's usually helped me (and this may have limited mileage for you) is to think through the consequences of each type of action I could take.

Usually, given my past interactions with the person, I'll have a pretty good idea of how things will shake out. So, then I've decided what I can live with based on -- a) what I want my relationship with the other person to ultimately shake out to be (or if I don't want a relationship at all); and b) my values / principles.

Sometimes this has meant just keeping quiet and not getting involved at all because that's been my most 'authentic' response and I believed it would help me in detaching in the long run.

And, at other times, it's meant that I've been involved / helped in a very limited capacity after having decided on my boundaries (which I wouldn't necessarily disclose to the other person) and sticking to it.

Of course, this hasn't made it any less painful, not to mention that it has sucked up a huge amount of cognitive resources. And, of course, brought on a ton of negative responses from the other person (usually not the most stable people) -- so, knowing that I decided on what to do in advance helped somewhat to stand my ground.

That's really great advice awkward , I appreciate you taking the time to write this post. I like the idea of standing your ground and supporting your decisions. This has always been an issue for me and has left me constantly changing therapists and going back to them. If I respected my decision and self worth first time I would never have gone back to her

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

My T recently lost someone close to him. I only know this because my session was on the same day as the funeral and he had to rearrange. He was clearly affected but made it clear to me that he could take care of himself.
I know you have had lots of extraneous issues with this T, and it actually reminds me of wanting to take care of T1. Please remember that this is not therapy. It is ethically wrong for her to take payment for a service you aren't receiving and right now you aren't receiving effective therapy.
I do hope you move on from this T

Thank you Echoes, I am not recording effective therapy and it is actually harmful . T is breaking a number of ethical codes according to her guidelines. First do no harm, this is the biggest impingement. I am wondering how any part of her thinks this ok. To hurt me and then blame me. I also told my class about t saying I am wounding myself by choosing to take it the way I did and my tutor said. Oh she is very clever and manipulative.


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[awkwardlyyours]

I am far from implementing my own suggestions consistently! It's just been an iterative process and I keep trying is all I can say.

And, that is when I am not even facing something as complex as you are -- a relationship with a therapist.

So, bottomline, please don't beat yourself up about not being able to do what you think you should do -- this stuff is hard to change.