[yagr]

Such an emotionally exhausting day: roller-coaster-esque.

The day began at 8am with six hours of psych tests after a consultation with the psychologist yesterday. He was an arrogant, pompous, self-absorbed, something I can't say here. He sat in his office for thirty minutes while I waited in the waiting room watching him through the glass door while he read the referring psychiatrists notes so that he had his mind completely made up before I walked in there. When I did join him, we went over my (physical) medical history in depth and I explained my primary issue to him in greater depth than the google search on the term he got in his thirty seconds of research. It is a severe case of myasthenia gravis - latin for grave muscle weakness. Wouldn't mention it here but it's about to become important.

I met the person he has administering the tests this morning. Test one is the CPT-II. For those unfamiliar CPT stands for continuous performance task. I have to hold my hand above the space bar for fifteen minutes and hit the space bar whenever a letter appears on the screen...except the letter 'x'. I can't hold my hand up for two minutes. "Just do your best," I'm told. I push myself, then the spasms start at about five minutes and my hands is banging off the keyboard uncontrollably. At eight minutes I go into convulsions - at this point the test is discontinued.

I take some emergency meds I always have on me and as soon as the tremors stop we move on to test two: kohs block test. Arrange the blocks to look like these pretty pictures. Honestly, I can do this one in my sleep - I know this test well; heck, I've administered this test before. But I can't control my hands - it's a flippin' neurological auto-immune disease...so that one is a disaster but I keep trying. I've lost the ability to talk by this time because my facial muscles are failing too. My eyes are rolling into the back of my head and I am fighting blacking out (something that happens regularly when exerted) but we have a schedule to keep so we move on to test three.

Chunking tests - lets rattle of lists of numbers and I repeat them back. I am so ready for this...not. But hey, test four was coming. Here's a pencil, start writing - oh and you're being timed. I can't hold the pencil. I'm using two hands trying to make my hands work and I'm writing like a kindergartner. Did I mention they score for accuracy, speed, and letter formation? In fact, test five, and six required me to write my answers as well. A few verbals after that and then my personal favorite, the MMPI-2. I was so beat up after six hours of this...but had the foresight to schedule an appointment for two hours later with the good therapist who I began to go see to deal with the trauma of seeing these other yahoos (who I must continue to see for another couple of weeks).

Rested for two hours and then the appointment. I've already shared with her the interactions I've had with my other therapist and psychiatrist...but then told her about my experience today. I made a thread a few weeks ago asking, "If your T was an animal, what would he or she be?" I referred to this therapist as a bunny rabbit. So this bunny rabbit started shaking as I described my day...and then started crying, forced out a pre-apology and dropped some serious f-bombs. I didn't even know bunnies could cuss.

I've never felt so validated in my life. Then it got better...

She asked if I would consider, when I left my therapist and psychiatrist's 'care', letting them know exactly how they have harmed me along the way. This latest thing today isn't really their fault, but there has been trauma inflicted over the last year. I agreed that I'd think seriously about it - explaining that if I can't find a way to say it so that they will hear me, then I'm concerned that they'll just put up more walls disconnecting themselves from patients and do even more harm to future patients. But agreed to think about it and even jot down some thoughts this week surrounding the idea. She was still visibly upset for me though and so I gave her some homework.

Think about what you would want to say to them as well, and I'll see if I can't work that in as well. "I will SOOO do that homework." The day finished well. I love this T.

[growlycat]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I'm glad your current T gets it.

Horrible testing !!! Now I truly understand why you felt it was pointless.

[yagr]

I wasn't sure whether to start a new thread or revisit this one, but I decided that there's a good deal of valuable information above that I won't have to repeat if I continue and so...

My subject of my IQ came up organically in a conversation with my therapist one day. He passed the information on to my psychiatrist - they work together and share information regularly. It's quite high. My psychiatrist, when he referred me for psych testing, asked for an IQ test to be given. I was uncomfortable with that for the following reason:

The results of the tests I took yesterday are going to my disability hearing. When I was shopping for a disability lawyer, I spoke to three different attorneys. Each one of them said that despite having a very good chance of receiving disability, I had two strikes against me. First, I was too young. Disability judges apparently are more lenient awarding disability to folks who are at least fifty-five. Fifty years old is doable they all agreed, but anything under fifty years old is a very tough sell. I was forty-seven when I applied, I'm fifty now and the hearing is expected some time in September so I've made a bit of progress there. The second strike was that I was too smart. Each of them basically said, that the smarter one is, the more likely it is that the judge will figure that you'll figure out a way to make it work without disability.

So, when I discovered that an IQ test was on the horizon, I told them that unless it was required for diagnostic reasons, I'd prefer not to have my IQ tested at this time. When pressed, I explained why. Long story short - the IQ test was a part of my testing yesterday.

That said, and as I described in my original post, I was very far from my best yesterday. Taking an IQ test when one is in the state I described myself being in yesterday, does not yield results that are an accurate reflection of one's intelligence. But no problem - can't hurt my case, right? I mean, I did my level best under the circumstances and so - no harm, no foul.

Except my psychiatrist and therapist know why I didn't want to take the test in the first place. They have to conclude one of two things: I lied originally, or I manipulated the test by scoring low purposely. Either way, they are going to confront me on my score. Normally, with these two, I am assertive and a strong advocate for myself, but I am pretty much done with them. I have to continue seeing them for a period of time (complicated - lawyers advice and it's good advice) but I'm no longer going to try and work with them. Go in, do my time, go home.

I have, more or less, exactly zero interest in explaining the fiasco that was yesterday to them - it's behind me and I don't want to talk about it with them. That was my plan anyway, but then today I started thinking about it. If I don't tell them about yesterday, then when the results come back I'll either have some explaining to do then - or risk their notes painting me either a liar or as attempting some type of fraud. I really don't want to be portrayed that way to a judge trying to figure out if he can believe me or if I'm trying to game the system.

Suggestions?

Ask your new T for advice. See if there's any pro-bono or lost cost lawyers near you. Or be honest and say you were embarrassed and flustered and off-game.

[here today]

Originally Posted by yagr

. . .If I don't tell them about yesterday, then when the results come back I'll either have some explaining to do then - or risk their notes painting me either a liar or as attempting some type of fraud. I really don't want to be portrayed that way to a judge trying to figure out if he can believe me or if I'm trying to game the system.

Suggestions?

As I see it you don't have any explaining to do unless they ask. Then all you have to do is explain enough to answer their questions. What they think is their business, what they make of any inconsistencies is their business, the truth is the truth is the truth. How they might portray you is their business, too, and although I know you have a lot riding on this you unfortunately have little control over what they think and do.

I'm glad you made it through the day. Very glad you found the other T and made the appointment after what you knew would be a trying time. So sorry it was so bad. The "system" may not be doing very good for you but you are doing good for yourself in finding this other therapist, etc.

[Mygrandjourney]

Anyone who wants to apply for disability should know what they're getting themselves in to. This is not a unique situation. You will wait an interminable amount of time and will be denied one or more times. All of this for a few hundred dollars per month, which for most, is not nearly enough to live on. You might get section 8 housing. Have you ever been to a S8 housing facility? In the meantime, you're either getting into debt, living with family or friends and jumping through lots of hoops. Buyer beware.

[yagr]

I'm re-opening this rather old thread because I received my report from the psychologist about ten days ago and today had my feedback session. I did not expect to learn anything from my psych report but I was surprised. I had realized that my therapist and psychiatrist did not listen very well, but I got a sense of how poorly from the psychologists report that quoted their notes liberally. Up until yesterday, I hadn't made up my mind whether or not to go to this feedback session but decided just before the "must cancel twenty-four hours in advance" deadline, that I would. He asked if I had any comments or questions. I had written them down and brought them with me. The comments are too confusing out of context so I'll skip those - but here were the questions:

Questions:

1. I was harmed by the CPT test. I'm hoping you can help me to understand why you would order such a test for someone with myasthenia gravis – and having done so, why you would have it be administered first, as well as in the morning?

2. You stated that objective testing of attention and concentration was impossible given my non-compliance. Where there any non-compliance issues unrelated to my disability?

3. On the day prior to the testing, I communicated to you that when I answer honestly, I give what appears to be contradictory information based on the way that I process information. You told me that you were very good at this and would be able to tell if I was telling the truth. I answered honestly and you reported that the test found that I was faking bad. How did you use your expertise and experience to interpret the test results differently than a poor psychologist with limited experience?

4. My primary care provider and my neurologist believe that I am disabled and, due to the myasthenia gravis, can neither work nor engage in regular physical exercise. You've made recommendations that I do both. Can you explain why you would make physical recommendations based on a psychological assessment?

He answered like a politician, moving his lips and making noises but steadfastly refusing to answer a single question clearly. Nevertheless, I am pleasantly surprised (and frankly, a little disappointed in myself) that I got a measure of satisfaction out of his obvious discomfort at my questions.