[ScarletPimpernel]

It's been a year now with her, and I don't love her. She thinks it's a good sign and that it's healthy. She said with the way the relationship started, it forced me to take things more slowly. It's very different and weird for me.

I told her that I want to love her. (That was embarrassing). We talked about how I miss the nurturing I used to get from women when I was younger (i.e. mother-figures). And how at the time I needed that because of what I missed out on in childhood. She did say that it's not normal for either person to have a relationship like I did (tucking into bed, kissing good night, taking naps together, etc). But I still miss it. I miss the safety. I miss the nurturing. I miss having a deeper connection to a woman. T says that adults get these feelings meet in other ways: some from partners, some from friends, and some from family. Yet again the thing I'm missing is friendships.

We went on to talk about friendships. We talked about some from my past and how they were always one-sided (I consoled the other person or they consoled me). She talked about how people communicate in a friendship like calling on the phone or visiting each other's house. I said no to both. I don't like talking on the phone, and I don't want anyone in my house. I told her in my last friendship the woman came over to my house and it felt violating to me. She asked how I would feel if she came over to my house. I said violating. She asked why. I told her because she holds all my personal information, so it's dangerous to have her come too far into my life. She asked about previous Ts if I felt the same which I do. T thinks I've been in therapy too long that I have applied the boundaries of a therapeutic relationship to normal relationships which could be why I don't know how to have friends.

A lot to think about, but a good session.

As a teenager I struggled with a similar situation, [I lost my mother to cancer aged 14] my relationships with women were difficult and I found women who would be maternal towards me comforting. Longterm however this wasn't the best thing for me. It took a long time for me to realize that no one could be the person that I wanted them to be.

Saying all of this, I'd like to offer you my friendship and support. If that's something you'd like of course.