[AnxiousGirl]

Hey everyone!

Now correct me if I'm wrong (I dont know if you can consider this a breakthrough or not) but I realized something about myself, literally 10 minutes ago. So I was thinking about my last session I had last week where my therapist and I started talking about really painful and scary topics in order to help me confront them. So what I realized was that for some odd reason, I dont show my true emotions in front of T. For example, if I talk to T about these topics, I act as if I'm okay with it or at least not as scared as I would be if I were not in front of her. If I even heard the topic we discuss out in public or with friends, I would just get up and leave so I dont have to deal with it. But in the office, I just sit there and take it, then come home all freaked out.

I dont know why this happens though. I just act "cool" about it in the office but outside it's just a whole new level. Should I just pretend or act that it bothers me so that the feelings eventually show? I'm so confused.

Anyways, yeah, has anyone ever felt this way? Thanks !

[atisketatasket]

Does your therapist know this? No. 3 always remarks when I play it cool.

[Waterbear]

If it feels like a breakthrough then it most certainly is for you and you should be pleased if you want to be. I can understand what you mean, almost suppressing or avoiding the emotion that you would normally feel. Probably a good starting point for discussion. Take care.

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Does your therapist know this? No. 3 always remarks when I play it cool.

My therapist has no idea (to my knowledge). She has never said anything about it. Sometimes I guess she senses I'm nervous and just tells me to breathe but if I were actually showing my true emotions I would just straight up punch a pillow or something !

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by Waterbear

If it feels like a breakthrough then it most certainly is for you and you should be pleased if you want to be. I can understand what you mean, almost suppressing or avoiding the emotion that you would normally feel. Probably a good starting point for discussion. Take care.

Exactly !! I just dont know how to tell my T. Because then if she asks why, I dont even have an answer. I just dont know why I do it.

[JaneTennison1]

I think you don't want to be thought of as a bother. You don't wwant to be any trouble by pointing out things that don't work for you. This is your therapy and your life. It's fine to go on sitting there behaving well, but it won't get you anywhere. Avoiding discomfort just ends up with you hiding part of you that needs to be exposed and treated with compassion and care to try and heal.

Try not to treat that scared part of you so harshly. Exposing the scared part to painful conversations and pretending they don't affect you is doing you a disservice. The scared part deserves to be treated with care, to be brought out and say "I don't like that" so you may examine it and try to make it less scared.

Right now you seem to view speaking up as being trouble for your T (from what you've said) rather than treating it as the very reason for being there. You deserve to be healed and have a real chance to heal rather than be sitting in the same seat 10 years from now.

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I think you don't want to be thought of as a bother. You don't wwant to be any trouble by pointing out things that don't work for you. This is your therapy and your life. It's fine to go on sitting there behaving well, but it won't get you anywhere. Avoiding discomfort just ends up with you hiding part of you that needs to be exposed and treated with compassion and care to try and heal.

Try not to treat that scared part of you so harshly. Exposing the scared part to painful conversations and pretending they don't affect you is doing you a disservice. The scared part deserves to be treated with care, to be brought out and say "I don't like that" so you may examine it and try to make it less scared.

Right now you seem to view speaking up as being trouble for your T (from what you've said) rather than treating it as the very reason for being there. You deserve to be healed and have a real chance to heal rather than be sitting in the same seat 10 years from now.

Now that I think about it you might have a point. My T once asked me if I had trouble standing up for myself or speaking my mind and I said sort of, but she disagreed and said she sensed that I am terrified of speaking up or standing up for myself. I just dont want to act in a way T hasnt seen before. I dont know, it's all jumbled up in my mind. Sometimes I wish T can see me outside of the office to know how I truly act/feel.

[LonesomeTonight]

I think you should tell your T exactly what you posted here. Also, she allows out of session contact, right? If so, might be helpful to send her an e-mail while you're home and freaked out after an appointment, just to get the immediacy of those thoughts out, so she can see how you're feeling. Or even just type it out and show her during your next session. I'll often have insights while driving home that I sometimes e-mail my T about.

I have similar experiences sometimes, particularly with marriage counseling, where I can be OK in there and think, "Hey I didn't even get emotional," then get in the car and start sobbing. I used to be that way more with T, but now I just go ahead and cry or freak out there in front of her. I'm not sure when that shift happened--maybe I got really upset in there one time, and she accepted it and helped me through it, so I saw it was OK? (I do cry sometimes in MC and actually had a panic attack in there recently, which was something that hadn't happened in there before, though it had with T.)

So definitely tell your T. Maybe something you can work on is trying to experience your emotions while you're in there rather than suppressing them until you're alone. It's not easy...I grew up with a message from my parents to hide my negative emotions (sadness, anger, etc.), so it's been difficult to learn to let those out. But it's definitely helped.

[AnxiousGirl]

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I think you should tell your T exactly what you posted here. Also, she allows out of session contact, right? If so, might be helpful to send her an e-mail while you're home and freaked out after an appointment, just to get the immediacy of those thoughts out, so she can see how you're feeling. Or even just type it out and show her during your next session. I'll often have insights while driving home that I sometimes e-mail my T about.

I have similar experiences sometimes, particularly with marriage counseling, where I can be OK in there and think, "Hey I didn't even get emotional," then get in the car and start sobbing. I used to be that way more with T, but now I just go ahead and cry or freak out there in front of her. I'm not sure when that shift happened--maybe I got really upset in there one time, and she accepted it and helped me through it, so I saw it was OK? (I do cry sometimes in MC and actually had a panic attack in there recently, which was something that hadn't happened in there before, though it had with T.)

So definitely tell your T. Maybe something you can work on is trying to experience your emotions while you're in there rather than suppressing them until you're alone. It's not easy...I grew up with a message from my parents to hide my negative emotions (sadness, anger, etc.), so it's been difficult to learn to let those out. But it's definitely helped.

Yeah it's definitely not easy for sure. Ive been seeing T for almost 2 years and the closest I came to crying was a month ago and even then I just smiled and shrugged it off. Sometimes I just want to tell my T that I dont want to do this, or this is making me feel a lot of emotions, but I'm even scared to say that. I guess it's practice...