object constancy

Hi

I have a problem with the above for all of my life, as I am now learning. It definitely effects my relationships to a damaging degree.

But its effecting my T sessions and ruining my week in between. I want to be with my T all of the time but everytime I leave the session, I feel so abandoned and like he's rejecting me. Sometimes I refuse to leave, have some kind of temper tauntrum, cry, beg....but I go and usually end up self harming cos the feeling is so bad.

Is there any way around this?

No way around it. It had to be gone through. At least it's happening in therapy where it can be worked on.

I also don't have object constancy and I felt that way leaving t for quite a while. Now I can survive with seeing him 2 times per week and seeing two other ts each week and the occasional (maybe once a month) check in. I am sorry you are suffering thru this too.

Hi Stolen innocence,

Throughout my years in therapy, I've had the same problem to a large degree. Having come through most of it to the other side, I can tell you that there is no easy fix for this problem. It is an attachment problem, usually from very early childhood or even infancy. It usually is due to an inability for the child and parent to bond properly. The baby or child does not get enough of a sense of their parent being there for them and available in times of distress to "hold onto" an internal feeling of the parent's care or presence in their life unless they are literally, physically there with them. Unfortunately, when people have had this problem as children, it often rises up again for them in the therapy relationship. You might find that you feel a sense of connection with your t as long as you are in the room together. But once you leave the office, it feels like she is literally "gone." It is very painful, I know from personal experience!

Overall, it is a process that you will have to go through with your therapist's help. It's Ok to talk to her about your feelings, and how difficult it is for you to keep a feeling of connection with her after you leave your session. Sometimes, therapist's are willing to give their clients with object constancy problems something from their office to hold onto between sessions...it could be a pen, a small stone, anything that can be looked at and felt between sessions to remind you that your therapist and you have a connection and that, even though it feels like she is gone, she has not forgotten about you. The relationship continues even in the physical absence of each other. It can be difficult learning to "hang onto" an emotional connection without being visually together, but it can be learned. It takes time.

Another thing that might be helpful, if your therapist is willing to allow it, is to email once between sessions to touch base. This too can help remind you of the connection. However, some t's don't like to email, and with clients like us who have attachment problems, email can become a sticky matter where we can get too dependent on it and email too often. While email can be helpful for awhile to build a secure attachment with your therapist, you don't want to allow it to take the place of in-person communication, one on one, in your sessions. Email is still an "indirect" style of communication. T's generally prefer that you speak directly to them whenever possible.

Since t's are different in what they allow, I would suggest that you talk to your own t and ask her to help you develop more object constancy, so that you don't experience so much distress between sessions. If she doesn't permit email or give you an item to keep between sessions, she may have another idea.

I know this is painful stuff, but hang in there! It DOES get easier. But it does take time, practice, and trust in the therapy relationship.

Yes, I understand. Sometimes when I leave my T, I feel like she just disappears into thin air - or worse, I disappear for her...that as soon as I walk out the door I cease to exist for her. Sometimes it's unbearable. After about a year I was able to talk to her about it and we agreed on check-in emails between sessions. No therapy, just simple 'Are you there?' from me followed by a 'Yes, I am here' from her. It's not always those exact words, but something similar. It really has helped me. It has also made my anxiety lower going into sessions and it has been easier to open up and talk. Perhaps you could bring something like this up with your T? Good luck. It's difficult.

I feel the same as doogie. I worry that my T forgets I exist until our next session. I wish I was brave enough to admit those feelings to T. It's embarrassing.

My t gave me a teddy bear several years ago. I still often sleep with it. Good idea, peaches!

I had a very hard time leaving sessions and not being with my T as much as I wanted. We talked about this a few times and I got the courage to ask for a transitional object. Something from the office that I could hold onto and know that she is there and we are connected. She had a bunch of rocks/stones in dish on the table next to my chair. She gave me one that is more of gemstone and I take it with me everywhere and it helps to hold onto it and know she is there and I am connected to her even if I am not with her.