The therapeutic relationship

I can really relate to this. I am very painfully attached to my therapist and I have less than two weeks with her before she closes her practice. I was so afraid of termination with her that I brought it up all the time and was always so worried about it (more so her changing jobs or moving, not just dumping me off to someone else) and now its happening and its destroying me. This pain I feel from loosing her I would not wish on anyone. Therapy and the relationship is very confusing and sometimes I am not sure if its all worth it. You get so attached and spill your guts to someone and then (sometimes) you get transference and you love them so much and they are all you think about and then one day you walk into there office and they say they are changing jobs and closing there practice and thats it. Its over. Its very cruel and messed up and I still don't understand a lot about therapy. Its supposed to help you to get better and feel better. Not to get worse and feel worse.

I sometimes wonder why it has to be so painful to be attached to a therapist. I have no plans to stop seeing my t but I know the day will eventually come when we will terminate. Sometimes I think that this relationship has stopped me developing more intimate relationships but then I look back and see how much the relationships I do have have flourished because of my relationship with t.
I am feeling very sad this week because you are away and it's when you go away I realise I am alone. I sometimes wonder if it's possible to go back in time when I wasn't in therapy and didn't have the awareness I have now, I was somewhat happy then and now I feel so desperately sad. Sometimes we don't understand each other t but most of the time we do and then that's when I fall part because I can never know you outside of our hour a week together and that's when I feel that this is false. I need more from you t, I need real connection. Can anybody relate or am I falling apart here?

Hi Mona
I'm sorry that your going through intense difficulty .. The therapist/client dynamic is so difficult ( especially for the client,and I can only speak as a client). I can relate to what you said about being more aware now vs before being in therapy. But that awareness comes at a price. We suffer from what sometimes feels like the most insatiable desire to be closer to our therapists, to want more from them, and to know the cruel reality that we only know what little they share and they know ALL about us.We (usually) only see them once a week. It is the most unbalanced relationship ever!!
That's exact how it has been for me. I would obsess thinking about my therapist. I would get angry with her, for just about anything that she did wrong. Sometimes it was justified and sometimes maybe it was my own stuff. About a month ago ( maybe a little less) I had posted that my therapist came off rather uncaring after my surgery. Well, since then I've had some sort of epiphany. I realize that I have expected too much from my therapist. It still hurts like hell but I know that she will never care for me the way I wish she would. I am her client. I kind of feel like I have given up on her ( wanting more than she can give me) . Maybe it is healthy that I have come to this realization. It still hurts though! I've even thought that maybe I need a break, but that's for another post😊 I guess what I'm saying is that I don't know if this therapist/ client relationship is a bad thing or a good thing.. it just is. We take what's beneficial and learn from it, even if it hurts. We learn what is our stuff and in some instances, what is not our stuff. I hope that I didn't ramble on too much..and that you find the clarity that you need. : )

who says therapy is supposed to help us feel better? Is that the point of it, or is it to make us suffer and grieve all of our losses and to come out stronger, I am not even sure anymore. The uncertainty hurts.

I sometimes wonder why it has to be so painful to be attached to a therapist. I have no plans to stop seeing my t but I know the day will eventually come when we will terminate. Sometimes I think that this relationship has stopped me developing more intimate relationships but then I look back and see how much the relationships I do have have flourished because of my relationship with t.
I am feeling very sad this week because you are away and it's when you go away I realise I am alone. I sometimes wonder if it's possible to go back in time when I wasn't in therapy and didn't have the awareness I have now, I was somewhat happy then and now I feel so desperately sad. Sometimes we don't understand each other t but most of the time we do and then that's when I fall part because I can never know you outside of our hour a week together and that's when I feel that this is false. I need more from you t, I need real connection. Can anybody relate or am I falling apart here?

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I meant to post sooner but didn't have a chance to. I relate very much to what you wrote, especially the end about falling apart when you realize you can only know T for that hour, and it feels false. I feel the exact same way, and it hurts deep inside of me. My T always says I can ask her questions about herself, and she will answer, but that's not what I want. I think what I want is not what I really want from T. It's the transference that makes it so painful. I want to know more about T than I know about some of my friends. But it's not the not knowing. It's the wanting T to be someone else, someone who cares more than T cares, whom you get to see more than 1 hour a week for money. The attachment sets us up to long for what we missed. It's false because it's therapy, and not real in the way we would like. That's where the pain comes from.

I can't help my attachment to my T even though I see the reality. She said "I love you" to me in one session but it's fake though she means it sincerely. She probably wants me to terminate at some point but we haven't discussed it lately. If she would stop practicing, or move away, I would be in the same boat as many posters. T and I wouldn't have that close relationship anymore. She has her private life but I would still have the attachment. There's no way around it and yes, it's very painful. It's shown me what I've been lacking in my life, so the attachment has served a purpose.

I feel like I've been rambling in this reply but wanted you to know how much I relate to what you're feeling.

The part I bolded. This. Very much. For me too.

Its rare in life that ANY relationship lasts indefinitely. Spouses, siblings maybe.... Parents if they are good ones, but many good parents pass away while their kids are still relatively young. Friends move. Kids get jobs overseas. Lovers break up with you...I mean really ALL relationships are like that.

I'm sure in many cases Ts will still stay in touch in some way such as email.

But more importantly all those positive , intimate interactions and feelings grow to live inside you. Excepting if the relationship ends traumatically, you always have that. If my T moved to Japan or something, the connection we've shared will always live on in both our hearts. I will always have the words she has said and things she has done in .my heart.

I guess to me that is as "real" as it gets.

Its rare in life that ANY relationship lasts indefinitely. Spouses, siblings maybe.... Parents if they are good ones, but many good parents pass away while their kids are still relatively young. Friends move. Kids get jobs overseas. Lovers break up with you...I mean really ALL relationships are like that.

I'm sure in many cases Ts will still stay in touch in some way such as email.

Yes but in these real life examples people are typically not living in perpetual fear of the other person disappearing, the way many therapy clients are. Also in those relationships contact is not limited to small and intense doses that leave one person reeling and longing much of the time, like a junkie waiting for a fix. Some clients withhold primary feelings for fear of driving the T away. These are not the signs of a healthy relationship if you ask me.


In my case she cut me off completely even though i was clearly in acute distress. I sent many emails looking for a lifeline. No response, just cold hard silence.

Yes but in these real life examples people are typically not living in perpetual fear of the other person disappearing, the way many therapy clients are. Also in those relationships contact is not limited to small and intense doses that leave one person reeling and longing much of the time, like a junkie waiting for a fix. Some clients withhold primary feelings for fear of driving the T away. These are not the signs of a healthy relationship if you ask me.


In my case she cut me off completely even though i was clearly in acute distress. I sent many emails looking for a lifeline. No response, just cold hard silence.

I'm so sorry. Reading this hurts me so badly. I know how horribly painful this is. I wish I could make it go away for you.

Its rare in life that ANY relationship lasts indefinitely. Spouses, siblings maybe.... Parents if they are good ones, but many good parents pass away while their kids are still relatively young. Friends move. Kids get jobs overseas. Lovers break up with you...I mean really ALL relationships are like that.

I'm sure in many cases Ts will still stay in touch in some way such as email.

But more importantly all those positive , intimate interactions and feelings grow to live inside you. Excepting if the relationship ends traumatically, you always have that. If my T moved to Japan or something, the connection we've shared will always live on in both our hearts. I will always have the words she has said and things she has done in .my heart.

I guess to me that is as "real" as it gets.

I can only speak to my own experience. To me, it does not seem any different from many other relationships. I've had intense friendships that last a short time. I had a whirlwind romance with an amazing women that lasted only a few months.

Thank you for your kind and compassionate words pink. My T did not abandon me in the literal sense. She told me ahead of time, has given me two months to try and deal with it. Has done everything she can to support me and help me through her leaving. So she has done everything ethically right. I do however feel emotionally abandoned because I loose one of my biggest supports and a space I feel so safe in even if for only an hour.

I genuinely wish I could take away all of your pain pink. You don't deserve it. You deserve all the love and healing there is. I hope you find it someday. I think of you often.

Its rare in life that ANY relationship lasts indefinitely. Spouses, siblings maybe.... Parents if they are good ones, but many good parents pass away while their kids are still relatively young. Friends move. Kids get jobs overseas. Lovers break up with you...I mean really ALL relationships are like that.

I'm sure in many cases Ts will still stay in touch in some way such as email.

But more importantly all those positive , intimate interactions and feelings grow to live inside you. Excepting if the relationship ends traumatically, you always have that. If my T moved to Japan or something, the connection we've shared will always live on in both our hearts. I will always have the words she has said and things she has done in .my heart.

I guess to me that is as "real" as it gets.

Comparing therapy to a love affair or friendship strikes me as odd and rather offensive, because it trivializes the sort of trauma and pain that can get exposed or induced in therapy, not to mention the power disparity and the potential for emotional dependency that can be so very hard to break. People who are hurting and seemingly in great peril because of therapy attachment, or like me have been traumatized by it, probably aren't gonna be helped by being told it is just another relationship with the same pitfalls, etc.

I wasn't technically abandoned either, it was me who chose to walk away technically, but emotional abandonment hurts just as much. It's really hard, especially since there's nothing to do but brace through it. And you'll be okay. Parts of me feel better without that constant fear of loss... The way you are ending is painful too and I would have found that really hard to deal with as well.

I said I can only speak to my own experience. To ME it is EXACTLY like any other relationship.