[LonesomeTonight]

Not sure if this needs a trigger warning, but since it does deal with sex stuff, wanted to give a heads up.

As many of you know, I see both an individual T and a marriage counselor. One reason (of many reasons!) we're in marriage counseling is due to sexual issues (mostly mine), like lack of desire (at times in general and at other times specifically regarding my H) and just some other...issues.

I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday with T regarding some of those issues. These are issues I've probably had throughout my life going back to childhood, related to OCD, self-worth, etc. that have probably affected me in numerous relationships. (This is all like stuff in my head, not something that happened to me.) I opened up to T about part of it a few months ago, and I think she's the first person I've told about some of it. I was nervous to go back to her again and didn't talk about it again for a couple months. But it was related to something else, so it came up, and she gently pushed me to talk about it a bit more. And I had some "aha!" moments and think I (and she) gained new insight into my sexual issues.

Part of me is like "no way could I ever tell H about this...there's no way he'd ever understand, and he'd probably just be confused and weirded out and never want to have sex with me again." But then the other part of me is like, "Maybe keeping all this in is part of what's blocking me sexually with him, and if I shared with him, maybe he'd also understand that it's not something personal about him, but just in how I relate to sex in general."

The other wrinkle, of course, is that I feel very awkward talking about sex in front of MC both because he's a guy and because of the whole transference thing (sometimes paternal, sometimes erotic--either way, talking about sex with him is weird for me!). We've talked about some sex stuff in there before, and I usually end up staring at the floor during it, invariably turning red, and having a difficult time looking at either MC or H. (The worst was a time we were talking about an attempt at role-playing I did that H was weirded out by and went into great detail about in session. But that's another story!) And maybe there's also a part of me that afraid MC will be kind of weirded out, too, even though when we've been reluctant to bring up sex stuff before, he's like, "I've heard everything--I'm a psychologist!" But like, maybe I'm afraid he'll think I'm gross or something.

I know, I'm being really vague here because I feel weird sharing it in a publicly searchable forum (feel free to PM me if you really want to know, but I'll probably talk around it a bit). So it might be hard for you to advise me. Probably the best thing for me to do is talk about it more with T and see what she thinks. Like try to process it more with her and see if I can figure stuff out without talking to H. But at the same point, if I'm trying to be open and honest with him to repair our marriage.... I know at least a few of you in here have done marriage counseling, so just wanted some thoughts.

(I'll probably delete this in like 10 minutes, but it helped to type it out at least.)

[Ad Intra]

At least you got a chance to talk about it here some. I hope you decide to leave the thread up so you receive more feedback.
I know you have a sticky relationship with MC, but it may be worth talking about next time you see him. Maybe start slow and allow it to build as you go.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by Ad Intra

At least you got a chance to talk about it here some. I hope you decide to leave the thread up so you receive more feedback.
I know you have a sticky relationship with MC, but it may be worth talking about next time you see him. Maybe start slow and allow it to build as you go.

Thanks! I think I'm just afraid of being attacked or something because of things I've revealed before on here (not even necessarily related to MC).

And I think my relationship with MC is good (and safe) right now, so I'd feel better about talking about it with him now as compared to, say, a year ago. But it would still be incredibly weird... Like almost something I'd want to share with him first over an e-mail before the session (he's OK with me doing stuff like that, even though I know some people on here think it's inappropriate for him to talk to me individually because he's our MC). So that way it's not something being dropped on both of them at once. Plus since he knows H well, he might be able to suggest ways to bring it up or be like "We can work on this in joint sessions without going into so much detail." Eh, I dunno.

[lunatic soul]

Maybe you can try to talk with your H without anyone else about it? Not in therapy but tell him you want to talk about it. I dont know your H and your issue but if its about your sex with him then maybe it would be better and easier if there were no third person in this conversation? I dont know how you and your H feel about talking about it but if it were me it would disturb me if there were my T and my partner. I could try to talk to T and to partner but I couldnt do it at the same time..

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Maybe you can try to talk with your H without anyone else about it? Not in therapy but tell him you want to talk about it. I dont know your H and your issue but if its about your sex with him then maybe it would be better and easier if there were no third person in this conversation? I dont know how you and your H feel about talking about it but if it were me it would disturb me if there were my T and my partner. I could try to talk to T and to partner but I couldnt do it at the same time..

That's something I could maybe do. There have been other times when I planned to bring something up in marriage counseling, then ended up telling H sometime before the session.

Possible trigger:

Like when I self-harmed for the first time in like 17 years last year.

Though we often ended up talking about it in there afterward. I think I just tend to feel "safer" in there in an emotional sense.

[divine1966]

I think it's not right to bring it up with MC one on one without your H. I think it would make more sense talking to your individual t about it? Just my opinion

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think it's not right to bring it up with MC one on one without your H. I think it would make more sense talking to your individual t about it? Just my opinion

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I have been talking a bit to my T about it. If I told MC about it, would be over e-mail like as an FYI before an appointment (wouldn't meet with him separately--did that a couple times last year with H's consent to address transference, but that was just a special circumstance).

[LonesomeTonight]

So, to maybe explain a little more, part of what I'm talking about is something I feel a compulsion to think about during certain parts of sex, specifically, if someone is focusing on pleasuring me (as opposed to a mutual thing), or if I'm doing that to myself. Like something disgusting (not like a fetish). And what it means that I feel like I have to think about that, and if I don't, that something bad will happen (as I said, OCD). And how maybe that's related to me maybe not feeling like I deserve to have someone do that to me.

I know this probably doesn't make much sense the way I'm saying it...

[divine1966]

If it's just thinking about something obsessively I don't see why you need to confess. Thoughts are private. On the other hand if thinking of something prevents you from enjoying sex then go talk to your t? Kind of in light of how to break OCD pattern. I am not sure why it's something to discuss with MC? Now if it something really bad like someone would get harmed then do talk to your t ASAP

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by divine1966

If it's just thinking about something obsessively I don't see why you need to confess. Thoughts are private. On the other hand if thinking of something prevents you from enjoying sex then go talk to your t? Kind of in light of how to break OCD pattern. I am not sure why it's something to discuss with MC? Now if it something really bad like someone would get harmed then do talk to your t ASAP

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh, it's nothing that would harm anyone. Not that kind of intrusive thoughts. It's more about confessing to H than to MC, to clarify (telling MC would jsut be like having his support while telling H, or something like that). Like I have these hangups that are affecting our marriage, and they'd probably be affecting me no matter who I was married to. So maybe he'd (H) understand better how it really is me, not him.

And then there's just the part of me that hates feeling like I have to hide stuff about myself. Goes back to to my mom, who wanted to keep anything negative quiet.

And I think it's like, I need to know that H would accept this part of me, too...

[divine1966]

I honestly would first talk to t if it's something that even needs to be shared. I agree about not keeping secrets but not everything needs to be confessed. I consult with my t when unsure if I should share something.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[LonesomeTonight]

And I am definitely talking to my T. It was in session with her yesterday that I had the revelation. Just trying to figure out if being open about it to H could help, too. Because it could also help explain why I feel the need to be drunk (like really drunk, not just a little buzzed) to have sex--so that maybe those thoughts aren't there.

Lonesome, my husband and I went through a similar phase in our marriage where our sex life was a struggle. In our case it was very much due to my CSA issues. I shared that with my husband one-on-one and in a few joint sessions with our therapist, and it was helpful. It helped my husband who was struggling because he had interpreted the problem as somehow his fault or that I lacked affection for him which wasn't the case at all. In gaining better understanding of what I was experiencing, it opened up our communication with each other and actually led to me eventually being able to get beyond the problem which definitely improved our intimacy level. Talking about it together with our therapist was helpful because even though we had discussed it without the therapist, our therapist was able to clarify and add some insight that helped us both.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Lonesome, my husband and I went through a similar phase in our marriage where our sex life was a struggle. In our case it was very much due to my CSA issues. I shared that with my husband one-on-one and in a few joint sessions with our therapist, and it was helpful. It helped my husband who was struggling because he had interpreted the problem as somehow his fault or that I lacked affection for him which wasn't the case at all. In gaining better understanding of what I was experiencing, it opened up our communication with each other and actually led to me eventually being able to get beyond the problem which definitely improved our intimacy level. Talking about it together with our therapist was helpful because even though we had discussed it without the therapist, our therapist was able to clarify and add some insight that helped us both.

Thanks for sharing this, Lola. Mine is a different type of issue, but it helps to know that discussing it benefited your marriage. And what you said about how talking to your therapist helped H to understand it--that's what I'm thinking here. Because that's helped with other stuff, like my anxiety, depression, other things. I could tell H about it, but I'm not nearly as good as explaining it as a trained therapist. H likes and seems to trust our marriage counselor (and he knows about all the transference and stuff), so he's likely to listen to him.