T said she loves me...

Yes, absolutely. I can't imagine never seeing T again and would love to think I could still visit her every now and then, even once a year or something. The thought of never being 'allowed' to see another person again is really disturbing to me.

Thank you, I appreciate your sharing. All I can say is I honestly would trust this T with my life, she is the closest person to me apart from my husband and we have such a close relationship, there is no way on this earth that she would do that to me. She has promised to be there for me as long as she is able to and I totally believe her. I do understand it doesn't always end well for some people and I am sorry for your experiences.

I worked with my T for 5 1/2 years, and she started saying that she loved me like a daughter or little sister about 3 or 4 years into therapy. I told her the same. It always felt right for us and never worried me. I don't have BPD so I can't speak to that, but having T say she cared about me never felt like it broke any boundariws. t retired in November, and she kept her promise to stay in touch. Now, we have coffee once or twice a month. The transition was hard in the beginning (just because I missed seeing her every week), but now it's really nice. I feel like she still loves me, and she has proven that. I feel very kuvky to have had a T who cares that much.

Scorpiosis37: Wow, this makes me so happy to read

I would be more than happy with meeting T for coffee even once a month if she retired. Even every 2 months or so, I would be fine with that just knowing that I was going to see her regularly. I really hope the same will happen for me! I'm really happy for you

I agree. That sounds like crossing boundaries and unprofessional to me, and it also sounds like countertransference. For anyone with BPD issues, having a therapist who's crossing boundaries is dangerous and could leave you worse off. I've been through therapy twice- once with a woman who didn't necessarily cross boundaries, but she would give me hugs and visibly show her concern, and I didn't improve at all with her. Part of me just wanted to stay sick so she could keep "loving" me because I was so desperate for love. Now I'm in therapy again with a man who is a blank slate- a proper psychiatrist who understands transference etc. and I'm soooo grateful that he doesn't show any "love" in that way, other than responding to me and respecting me etc., because I'm actually changing. (I do have BPD issues so I understand the abandonment.)

You're not going to get healed by feeling loved by her; you're going to get healed by becoming a strong individual who has properly dealt your issues and knows how to handle future issues.

The "love" certainly didn't go well in my case. My last T professed his "love" for me many times, which lead to confusion about the nature of our relationship and what the heck was going on and whether it was still a professional service. I could never understand what kind of love it was, how exactly he was seeing me and what he was and wasn't willing to do for me. He never wanted to clarify any of that so I never knew what to expect. One day he seemed to "love" me as a friend, the next day it felt more than friendship, the next day he'd show some fatherly protective feelings and the next day he'd all of a sudden become a "professional" again and, all of a sudden, emphasized the necessity of "boundaries" he himself had crossed before. Given my history of trauma, my vulnerability and my intense transference, his "love" drove me crazy and left me messed up more than I was when I started therapy.

Keep in mind that even though your T said she loved you she is not as emotionally dependent on you as you are on her. She doesn't need you as much as you need her. So, it is much easier for her to let go of you and to end therapy if, for some reason, she gets annoyed with you. Therapists can do it very easily without risking any consequences and they do it often. It'd be wise to be mindful of that.

Thanks guys for the thoughts.

I don't know...I totally understand what you're saying about the love thing not ending well and I have read alot about these situations going wrong... I am indeed more needy than T is but she almost seems needy herself sometimes about knowing that I'm ok and worrying about me. She repeated her love for me again this week and said I can contact her while she is on holiday, something which she does not allow other clients to do but she said we have a different relationship and that I am massively important to her. I am surprised myself sometimes about how far she will go to be available for me. I told her I didn't expect her to be available during holidays!

I know she can terminate if she wanted to but also get the feeling she could not and that she would be equally upset if I 'terminated' her.

It's such a messed up situation isn't it, client and T relationships. I would say T has filled a massive void for me in terms of maternal love. And I think I needed that. I needed to know that I could be loved by someone unconditionally as I've never experienced that. T has given me that. Surely that can't be wrong? But also I feel right now, that I want to see her more. And she is the most loving to me when I am the most 'unwell' which I recognise could make me not want to get better. I am in a content fuzzy place with her but am not learning any skills as such to get better. Therapy is so confusing sometimes

I can totally see the need for maternal love and how important it is for you to see how special you are to your T. And, I can also see how this could be worrying for you at the same time. When T expresses such need in the client, that undoubtedly obstructs her objectivity and good judgment, in other words, she ceases to be a professional. It looks like this ambiguity is expressed in your need to feel her maternal love on the one hand and your need to address some real life issues and to learn some important life skills on the other hand, which is what is not happening right now. It's almost as if the fulfillment of the first need for maternal love was an obstruction of the fulfillment of the other need for being self-sufficient and autonomous.

But if you think about it, is it really how maternal love "works"? Would the mother who loves her child not do her best to train the child to become independent, would she not teach the child life skills so there will be the day when the child would be well-equipped to leave the nest and to start their own independent life?

Unfortunately, there are many mothers who don't do that. Their love is more about fulfilling their own need to have the child near them for company and support as opposed to acting in the child's best interests.

I am not trying to blame anyone here, not the mothers and not your T. What I am trying to do is to invite you to try to understand the reality as it is, no matter how disappointing it may be, as opposed to how we want it to be for understandable reasons. The love your T said she has for you and her great need to have you around speaks volumes about her own emotional insecurities, which should raise a lot of concern about her ability to act in your and her own best interests. But it sounds like it does raise your concern, which is good.

I am not suggesting you to quit therapy or to confront her necessarily. Just keep in mind what we are discussing here and be committed to guarding your own interests. With that, the solution will come to you eventually. It should come from within, not from someone else.

Thank you very much for this insightful post. It gives me alot to think about and I appreciate that.

I 100% agree!!

I completely agree. I also have BPD and having either of my current therapists telling me they love me would be disaster. It only encourages my patterns. I'm recognizing them more and more now, thank god. Even with non-personality disordered clients, or without cases of ET, I really don't think it's a good idea. We're supposed to learn how to seek out love on our own, and most importantly, therapy should teach us how to love OURSELVES, which is a key point that seems to be often missed.

I used to think that too. But now I wonder-how can someone love themself if s/he has never been loved by anyone before? How does that work for those of us in that situation? (not asking anyone in particular--anyone feel free to answer)

Saying the word "love" doesn't mean a whole lot to me. But experiencing love does.

I agree with that, I see it as a good place to learn things like that.

Sure. I've been where you are. It's a tough spot to be in, so I wish you best of luck to navigate your way through this.

I'm sorry, I am just concerned about this. understand your desire and maybe even need for her to love you, but the way she is going about showing you she cares seems risky and unprofessional. She sounds like she is not containing her own feelings for you and countertransference and to me, it sounds like a burden to know she is struggling if you don't want to come. The thing about you being a surrogate daughter to her - that is clearly her countertransference, given that you also feel like she's a mum to you, and while it is alright for these thoughts and feelings to be expressed between you, it is only constructive if you work with it toward your well-being. It's not alright to leave it at this because, even if you do love each other, you are not mother and daughter. I know this must feel very good right now, but a therapist allowing the relationship to be what it is not may lead to instyability once the therapist no longer needs this kind of interaction with a certain client. This just doesn't sound safe to me. I hope the two of you can have an honest talk about what happened and clarify.