I think you guys were right about therapy

I think mouse is right about the frequency of sessions. Can you increase it or go back to 90 minute sessions again? Say for a year, then revisit the decision. T should be like teaching a man to fish and he eats for the rest of his life; youre saying it feels more like you are just given a fish every session

No, I can't. 90 minutes was for EMDR. I've never, ever seen a T more than weekly. Besides, I'm paying a reduced fee already. I did ask and my T thought seeing her more was not an answer. Once a week with brief email is ok with me. I will ask her if that's okay or not. I'd love to see her every day! That would make the problem worse! But thanks, unaluna.

That's why my T ALWAYS focuses on the positive things in my life that have nothing to do with her. To build up my Self. I think she underestimated my attachment to her. It's got to be something deep that I don't remember. Back to preverbal I guess. No one abandoned me that I remember as a child. Like a puzzle piece is missing! Why should I react the way I do? I don't understand at all!!!

Hi Rainbow, I'm sorry you're suffering right now and I hope this gets sorted out or at least settles down some for you. I've seen you post many times, asking yourself why you struggle with this attachment to your therapist. Isn't it enough that your mother was highly anxious and fretful? (I hope I got that right.) If she transferred that to you, without being able to also transfer the ability to calm yourself, I think that would have a huge impact, causing you to seek a mother figure for a sense of stability and connection. It seems pretty foundational. I mean, I grew up in a very chaotic home with no emotional balance--family members calmed themselves through violence, alcohol and drugs. People aren't just born with the ability to connect or attach in healthy ways; it's learned--or not, as the case usually is.

Just a thought.

This really struck me, because this is how i feel about my ability to cope as an adult that bears no real connection to the childhood I had, which really was mostly good. My T believes that because I was a micro-preemie, that those early months where I should have still been cooking in my mother's womb was replaced with terrifying hospital stuff: respirators, ventilator, procedures, no contact, etc...that I learned very deep down that my needs couldn't get met, so therefore have always been very avoidant of any needs.

This pisses me off to no end! It isn't like I can connect to this tiny newborn and be like "yesssss, that makes so much sense, all the puzzle pieces have connected." It feels wrong somehow, and I still am working through why. I say this because weren't you born premature as well? Maybe that is part of the missing puzzle piece.

I dont recall any specific injury or abandonment either. If it's too early, then yea would be preverbal and pre-explicit memory. I've had to work backward and reverse engineer to understand what might have happened. Likely just basic emotional misattunement from a mother who was depressed and had her own unaddressed trauma. I don't think it takes much to traumatize and terrify an infant, who is dependent on the mother for survival. Even subtle negative cues or disconnection through body language, facial expression, tone of voice might (over time) destroy a child's sense of self, ability to trust and feel safe, ability to self-regulate, and so on.

I just don't know how many Ts truly understand this stuff. If they don't, they are playing with fire and should not be seeing any clients with this sort of history.

Well rainbow like with your broken finger. At some point you have to start seeing that these things were not cool, even if at the same time you can see the old reasoning behind it. Today i brought up to t again how i finished college in three years - my mother set that goal and i accomplished it. Totally not my choice. Im appalled now that i didnt even question it. When are you going to get appalled? Or whatever emotion is right for you. Thats when you will start to stop needing your t.

Rainbow, what about the profound loss you experienced when your mother's died? You have said in the past that you never grieved for her, and yet you experience her loss profoundly. Your mother was the person that you used to 'report to' and she knew every minute detail of your life. Now you give your weekly report to your T instead of your mother, and can't bear to not do it (does it trigger up the unexplored feelings of grief?)
It has always seemed to me that these two relationships are inextricably bound, and yet despite never grieving for your mother, who you have always said was the most important person in your life, it has never been a topic that you have *experienced* in therapy. Talked about, yes, but delved headlong into, no.
This loss was not preverbal, but it was immense for you.

How do you grieve for someone who was never there? My mother told the first mr luna, when we first got married like in our mid 20's, that she was passing the torch to him - now he was stuck listening to me prattle on about my day, which she had been pretending to do since i started school. "'Do you remember ronnie, i told you about him yesterday?' 'Oh yes i remember' and then she would believe me that i remembered and go on talking, but i wasnt even listening." I couldnt confront her - at least i had been allowed to go to school, unlike her. Its very hard to face all that anger and disappointment - your mothers and your own.

Sorry to OP for straying off topic, but this post is bang on my experience. When she died it meant that was it. That was the only experience of having a mother I was ever going to have. The vague false hope I would one day have a mother figure like everyone else died with her. So I had two people to grieve - the mother I had and the mother I longed for.

I hope you can communicate all these feelings with T rainbow, there seems to be a lot of important work here for you

Maybe rainbow still has that hope? My current t HAS been the good enough mother. When my mother died, it was like, okay, now no one else can yell at me (like my aunts try to) but thats it.

That is the hardest part, grieving for the two things at once and trying to unmesh it all. I still haven't got a clue where to start.....

That is what my old T said about the T I need. A good enough mother who, in time, will help me detach in a healthy way as any child does when they grow up. That is why she said attachment can be a necessary thing in therapy but the T has to be competent and in it for the long haul. It is a long process Rainbow and right now you cannot see a time when you will be ready to stand on your own. That doesn't mean it won't ever happen. Can you trust the process and go with it for now?

Thanks, ruh roh. Yes, you remembered right. My Mom was an anxious person but not to the extent that she couldn't take care of me. I don't remember if I felt calm with her, but I agree that could be why I feel so good with my T, especially why holding her hand always felt so good.

Thanks, velcro . I know we discussed this before. I think it makes sense for you because of how tiny you were, and how early! I was only 7 weeks early, and in an incubator for 1 or possibly 2 weeks. My T thinks it could be trauma but I'll never know. Probably all the factors were "right" for me to turn out with the problems I have. That's what I'm starting to think now.

Thanks. Bud. Basic missatunement. My Ts all said the fit between my mother and me was off. Same thing. My T seems to understand except for underestimating my triggers. I remembered today that about 2 years ago she mentioned not emailing and setting a date to terminate therapy and that's the time I screamed in my car all the way home from the session! I've never screamed like that in my whole life! I'm going to remind her of that.

I know you like to bring up my broken finger. You have a good memory! But how were my parents supposed to take me to the doctor if I didn't tell them? It must not have hurt so much. I honestly know that my parents did not neglect me. My Mom took me to a social worker when I was 10 but I wouldn't talk to her. I have nothing to be appalled about. She did her best.

Thanks, Luce. Well, 5 Ts helped me process the loss of my Mom. Some had me write her letters and had me write responses. I cried, just not in session. I agree that I've always minimized her loss, saying I was 34 years old when she died, not a child. My current T thinks that's still "young" to lose a mother. It makes sense that I wanted to replace her with someone who was like her, but also was calmer, like my T. However, I was attaching to other people before my Mom passed away. i also had selective mutism. I also don't think my BPD diagnosis was because I lost my mother. It's probably a combination of factors i suppose.
I'm sorry, unaluna, that you didn't have the Mom you needed. It is hard to grieve for someone who disappointed you. I have that situation with my H but not my mother.

Thanks, Echos. I'm sorry you didn't have the kind of Mom you needed and wanted. I know a Mom is not the same, but I understand grieving for two people, the H I had, and the one I didn't have.

I do feel like my T is closest to the good enough mother than any of my other Ts. I just don't want to leave her yet.

Thank you. I just hope my T has the patience. Six years is a long time but I'm not there yet! She has told me to trust the process in the past. I will see what she says at my next session.

Why wouldnt you tell your mother about your finger? And then why wouldnt you speak to the social worker? It sounds like you were trying to maintain control of your family being too intrusive? THEY have control, you have none. And now your t has all the control, so all you can do if she leaves is idk hold your breath and turn blue? Im not trying to be mean or funny - youre saying you dont know whats going on. What if - you trust your t? I mean REALLY trust our t. Not as a superwoman who never does anything wrong, but just as someone who wants to help you with what she knows, the best she can. No magic.

What if it was your grandchild - or any other child - with a broken finger? Wouldnt you at least want it taped and xrayed? It could have been disastrous. The problem is not that your parents didnt take you to the doctor - its that they werent aware of your daily life; its that you felt you couldnt tell them.

Im sorry to keep harping on it. But its a compelling incident. I had similar incidents. I think thru t we change how we look at these incidents, and thats where the healing comes. That finger must have been on your mind for more than one day.

Unaluna, thank you for getting me to think about my finger. I'm trying to recall the incident better. I was about 10. My Mom and I were at someone's house and I was with my friend. The kids were outside; Moms were inside maybe. I don't think my Dad was there so it was probably summer. We were sitting on folding lawn chairs. Somehow I got my little finger caught in the hinges. I don't think it hurt very much though it did hurt. Kids hurt themselves all the time.

I remember my Dad making a splint for me but no one took me to the dr. I probably told my parents about it but not right away. I vaguely remember not wanting to make a fuss when it first happened. Maybe I was embarrassed. I may have told my Mom or Dad later. I don't think people ran to get x-rays so often then. I wish I had gotten an x-ray of course, after it didn't heal.
I have other fingers I hurt in college and they're a little deformed but not broken. I think it's because when I was 10 it didn't hurt enough so my parents didn't think it warranted going to the dr.

I know I had a problem with asking my mom physical stuff. But I wouldn't ask a doctor either. I thought something was wrong from age 15 until 23. Something serious but I wouldn't ask my Mom. I suffered with worry but nothing was wrong at all! I talk about that a lot in therapy. It's incredible that I couldn't ask her but I just couldn't, for a few reasons. I don't want to write about it here though I did once on PC. That may be why I want to tell my T everything! All the TMI stuff. She's not my Mom so she stays calm. My Mom's anxiety could be the answer, like ruh roh suggested.

The one thing you're right about is thinking about that finger! I can't straighten it all the way! I remember going to the doctor at some point and being told it would have to be rebroken to get fixed and I didn't want that! Every day it's a reminder of the past but I don't blame my parents.

My mother was overprotective. She was aware of what I did, but not what I didn't tell her. The problem was not about concern, but about my not being able to confide in her. I didn't want to worry her, and I also was self-conscious about my body. I hated going to the dr. so maybe that's why I didn't tell about my finger right away. It wasn't an obvious break. It didn't heal right but no one knew that was going to happen at the time.

I didn't talk to the social worker because I was extremely shy and also had selective mutism. It wasn't about control. SM is on the social anxiety spectrum.
Thanks for caring, una. I'm kind of amazed and touched that you remember.