Afraid of being terminated again

After I started with my new T I got hesitant about continuing therapy with her because of things she did in therapy, I wrote about it here at PC. Because of that my T decided that we were to have a follow-up after some weeks to evaluate if we are going to continue therapy or not.

Perhaps that´s good but it also makes me very anxious and worried as she has she power alone to decide to terminate. That is, if she for some reason now doesn´t think we should continue, then we won´t. She said so herself, that it´s enough one of the parties don´t agree to continue.

It´s nothing much I can do, perhaps it will be a follow-up tomorrow already and I feel very nervous and in a bad state overall. I feel so badly affected I find it hard to concentrate on anything else. I´m not allowed any e-mail contact or such so I can´t tell my T this, the only way is to see her and just wait for her telling me what she thinks. I don´t have any other therapy options and that makes it even worse.

Perhaps someone can relate to this.

I can only vaguely relate but it is nothing like your situation which sounds ridiculously difficult. I was seeing a T who could not continue working with me for administrative reasons. We had no choice but the difference is that she would have continued if she could. I now pay privately for my T from a small inheritance left from my Mother's pension. I figure what better way to use it than doing what should have been done years ago. We have very poor national health service when it comes to mental health. Unless I am non functioning really I have to pay. I know you are still fighting through the system and that is something I know I would not have the strength for. A lot of people here who would like or actually need therapy do not get it because they cannot afford it. It is terrible but that is how it is. I couldn't afford it until recently either and now is my time. Sorry I can't help more but I do empathise.

Do you want to continue with this T? I recall your earlier posts about her and they were all quite negative. Maybe it would be helpful to think about whether you're getting your needs met with her and if not, how that situation could be improved, or what you would want from a different T if that's how things turn out. Making your own assessment of the situation might also help give you a sense of power here.

Yes, or at least I want to spend more time in therapy with her as I see potential in this therapy. I´ve been negative and partly I still am but I hope this T is competent enough to work on issues instead of me just leaving and getting terminated again.

But as this T is within public health care she has to adjust to resources and I have no idea how she assesses me according to how fast I have to progress and such.

I have not that choice to just pick and choose and in my case I look to if the therapy is "good enough" and at the moment I think it is. I have made my own assessment but in case of her thinking we should quit, it wont be to much help.

It´s just a nervwrecking situation as I´m prone to abandonment issues and feelings of being excluded.

Hello Sarah,

just a thought:
What if you talked to her about your fears around being terminated (again)? That you are scared that you're not progressing (fast) enough and that she might kick you out? That you are unsure of what she is expecting of you?

This might help in several ways: hopefully she would be able to adress your fears directly and maybe even give you some reassurance, and you would know where you're at regarding expectations and such.

And also, this might give your T some important insight about the ways you are relating to her, so being open with her about your fears might give her more clues in which ways she can help you better and support you more.
Sounds paradoxical, and it probably is. But in my experience speaking to T about my fears helped in those ways. I feel with you, since it is so painfully difficult... But I still believe it is worth it, jumping off into the deep end.

All the best, c_r

Thanks. I wrote about this and read to her in the meeting. It wasn´t all about me being afraid of being terminated but I told her I found it hard now knowing if we were to continue or not.

We will continue talking about this and other things I brought up. I feel our relation is now a bit more stable but I´m still unsure about if I´ll ever get better from all my problems.