T: this is why I keep me out of the therapy

T key it slip today that she had a cleaner. I don't know why but that disappointed me. I told T this.
She asked me why?
I think we spent the whole session on this. But what a beneficial session.
This is a quick version of the session.....

I said it feels akin to finding out your parents had sex.
T said, you need me to remain who you think I am or else you lose who we/you are.

She said, this is why I keep me out of your therapy so you can get to the deeoer stuff without having to worry about me.

Me: worry about you?
T: well, having to worry if what I'm doing, whom I'm seeing will effect my care of you?
Me: no! Oh wait a moment. I feel this all snowballing, I feel you might be right. I'm beginning to feel you're going to tell me you're going to leave me. That finding out this one thing is just the beginning and then it will be this, than that and finally goodbye.
T said, you've had a lot of losses in life, it's normal this would trigger those feelings. Like a toddler when say their mother walks in with a new hair do.

More was said but the last bit I was able to really hear.
When I said to T that it actually fellow like you've already said goodbye T said, I can reassure you, I'm not leaving and I don't spend hours thinking about my cleaner.

That last bit felt as if she said " do think about you".

I felt the relationship today.

I sort of get the theory behind T's keeping themselves out of our therapy, but on the other hand isn't it all part of our therapy, the relationship. Maybe it's just me. But it seems like if you are upset about her having a cleaner there may be deeper meanings to that, and worthy of discussion? And may be that discussion would lead to a deeper relationship?

I did say that. I can't remember if we answered that fully.

Oh actually. What started this all off. Was things had been moved on her shelves. Twice this week. I asked T what was going on? That's when she mentioned the cleaner.
So she said, the feelings I experienced may have already been triggered by the change around the shelves. So no cleaner need have been mentioned.

If this is a home office, maybe realizing she had a cleaner in made you realize that the space doesn't only belong to you and t? That other people are in there too, sometimes? Like an invasion of sorts?

Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk

I was thinking if it was a home office, that maybe her having a cleaner shows she makes enough money to afford one. No clue on your financial situation, but maybe that seems like it puts her in a different economic class from you?

I know one time I was talking to my T about taking my car in to get repaired and being there for a long time, being hungry, and just having the snack and soda machines. And she said that when she goes to the Lexus dealer, they offer sandwiches and stuff. And all I could think was, "Yeah, that's because you're at the fancy car dealer." I know she's doing fine financially, since she and her H used to own the practice where I see her, and they sold it when he retired. And they live in a fancy neighborhood. But being reminded of that (I'm solidly middle class) can sting a little.

That's just surface stuff that may have a role in this.
But the deeper stuff is as I explained.

Oh, I also remember when I asked T if it had just 'slipped in' about her telling me about the cleaner? And she said, not exactly. You asked what was going on with the items on the shelf being moved and I could have lied and told you it was me. But I felt telling you truth was more important for you.
I love T's integrity.