The Couch 115: Corduroy Pillows Are Making Headlines!

Yes, thank you, I'm quite mended
The eight year old was home sick today - she was too sick to go to daycare, but not sick enough to actually be sick Ah well...

That was a strike.... Gah

First draft pick here we come....

A question for the Couch. Which of these statements do you find more genuine?

"I am sorry if you felt X (could be anything, let's say criticized)" OR

"I am sorry if I seemed critical."

I prefer the latter, though neither really take responsibility, do they?

I would call both of those false apologies, but the second is slightly less offensive.

The 2 phrases as they are dont really mean much. The sentencefollowing them would be the decider

So what would be an appropriate follow-up sentence?

"I should have chosen my words more carefully"

"That was not my intention"

Or...?

"I should have ..." at least takes some responsibility for what happened.

I prefer the latter sentence on each of those.

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"I am sorry that you felt X" gets my hackles up. A non-apology combined with an intimation that I am too sensitive or too emotional or my emotions are problematic. Fury ho! It wouldn't matter what came next.


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For me, this has to do with how they would behave in the future. If they would try to choose their words more carefully in the future, then the first one is appropriate. If not, the second one. I think both are equal and would want to hear the one that was more authentic for that person. It helps me know what to expect going forward.

Good morning couch!

I have 30 papers to grade over the next three days. Gah. At least they are all brief (10 pages max).

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art i love your poem. you are so very talented

Agreed. The second sounds like the speaker considers that they might have been a bit at fault.

I'd say the first one is best. Because that shows they realize that they may have done/said something wrong.

Though the second one is somewhat acceptable. My marriage counselor used that recently when I was upset by his response to an e-mail. He said something like, "I'm sorry if my response upset you. That was not my intent." Which on its face probably sounds like a non-apology, and it bothered me at first. But in talking to him later about it, I think he may have just been surprised by my response and how upset I was. Like he had good intentions in what he originally said, and was thrown that I had such an intensely negative reaction to it. (The phone conversation we had about it the next day made it clear that's what it was.)

And Art, I really liked your poem, too!

Boo!

****

I don't want to go to work today

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I also do not like "I am sorry that you felt X". At work they're always telling us to say "I'm sorry you feel that way" but I absolutely refuse to say that, because to me it is so not genuine and takes absolutely no responsibility or accountability on the say-er and also shows 0 empathy in my book. When I apologize for something to a caller at work, even if myself or the company are obviously not at fault, what I say instead is "I am sorry for the inconvenience" or "I'm sorry you've had to go through that" or something along those lines and it sounds so much more genuine coming out of my mouth than "I'm sorry you feel that way, sir." that sounds so snarky to me. Of course that's just me.

Neither of these is offensive to me, as long as the tone is appropriate - the 2nd one, in the wrong tone, could come off really condescending and I would get mad.

Thanks so much!

I really need to mop my floors - but ugh.

Pup was fun to watch today while we worked on fence. Old dog wanted to stay home on the couch in the air conditioning. Pup stayed by my side whenever I separated from H to do work in a different area. Stayed in high alert watching all around us and never moving unless I did. As soon as H and I were in the same areas, she was racing around through the puddles and mud like a lunatic. H would leave and she would go back to being on alert. I adore this pup.

Went to the eye dr this morning to get my eyes checked, and my new glasses should be ready in a week or so yeah!! Found out the last time I was there was 2014, oopsie, guess that's why I have to look through the bifocals to be able to see my computer. It will be nice to be able to type and work with my head held normally lol. Then h and I went shoe shopping for him and grocery shopping too. Man is it hot out there (110 degrees F)!! I'd go swimming except the pool is full right now of loud teenagers blasting music from a boom box so I'm sitting in my air conditioned house instead doing laundry.

The pup of mine I adore is middle dog - the one who closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep if I try to take him for a walk if he does not want to go. And he will block the doorway and whoo at me as I leave the house for work until I give him his goodbye hug/rubbing.
I have to lint brush myself on the way to the car.
He has trained me to give him a snack for leaving him behind while walking the other two dogs. I get the leashes out and he runs to the kitchen for his treat. Which he then takes to an a/c vent for a leisurely, comfortable snack and nap while the crazy pets are out walking in the heat.