Does anyone else?

Does anyone else feel themselves shut down when they have "intense" feelings or thoughts to share with T?

Like today, I had my session and this last week has been a pretty bad week for me with worsening depression and what I guess would be called passive suicidal ideation. I had been looking forward to seeing T so I could talk about this stuff with her and get some support but I kind of just shut down. I did give her a basic outline of what has been going on but I didn't share as much as I wanted to. Normally I write a bunch of things down to talk about but this week I didn't because I was just too tired and depressed. I'm wondering though if there was also some resistance because in previous sessions I had been trying really hard to open up but now I seem to have taken a step backwards. It's really annoying because I feel like I just skimmed over a bunch of important things.

I kind of just feel like it is all too hard and I should just quit but I don't think I could manage life without T. I'm scared of what would happen without her.

I have a hard time opening up about important things too. I go in there with a lot to say, but can't make myself say it. Or she asks me a question and I think of an answer, but I just say I don't know. It's just really hard for me to speak about important things that involve intense feelings. I'm sorry you're having a hard time lately, and that you haven't been able to talk to your T about it.

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Yes , it can be difficult to open up and can often feel like taking a step backwards. A couple of months ago I had a really difficult time and nearly quit but I realize now I was on the verge of breaking through. I struggle with wanting to shut down again because it feels scary , vulnerable and unfamiliar

It often seems as though I spend half the session saying "I don't know". I did still manage to talk to T a bit today just not as much as I wanted to. I'm currently writing a list of things that I didn't tell her - hopefully I will be able to read it to T next session.

Yes, it feels very scary! I'm so used to people not responding to my needs in the way that I want and being disappointed, I guess I'm worried that will happen with T too. I have an idealised image of her and I'm not willing to risk losing that yet.

That's also a big one for me - the inappropriate responses are a big part of my trauma. My T does respond appropriately consistently , and I'm not used to it and don't really know what to do with it , it can make me feel bewildered and confused. I struggled with wanting to quit therapy so I didn't have to deal with it. They are patterns from the past that I still feel in the present.

I walked out yesterday because I feel cocooned in a painful experience at the moment. It's seemed to much for me to even begin to talk about what ever it was I was feeling yesterday. It felt no matter what T said, it was mundane. Talking would have denied me the ability to be safe in my cocoon. So I apologized and walked out.

Yeah, I kind of get that feeling too except I didn't want to walk out because I find my T's presence quite comforting. She is literally the only person I feel understands me right now. My parents are being complete a-holes at the moment and are constantly criticising me and making me feel guilty about pretty much everything. I guess it is just nice to be in the presence of someone who isn't like that even if it is only for 50mins a week.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time taking to t at the moment.
I can relate. The more emotionally charged and vulnerable a topic is, the harder it is for me to communicate about it. T has started asking questions, and that kinda helps pull me out a bit (if for no other reason than to correct her incorrect assumptions)...
It can be quite frustrating, especially when I leave there and feel bad about being so shut down. I'm always mad at myself when I can't even speak to t about getting emotional needs met...

So I've started writing out a list of things that I want to discuss with T next session and it is so long and I'm worried we wont get through it all. There is already a backlog of stuff that just keeps getting pushed to the next session because more important things come up. Ugh, it is so overwhelming and it is stressing me out

I have a hard time talking too. I'll be thinking something i want to say, but i can't get it out in words. I also have a problem knowing what I am feeling when i am there. it always takes me at least a few hours after if not a day or two for my feelings to come back. It has gotten easier with time. Last session I finally got out something very important. He really listened. I felt understood. I felt numb for days. Now I feel good. I think it may just take practice.

Yeah, I get that numbness too only for the feelings to return later when I'm all alone and then I wish T was there. I try to hang onto those feelings and bring them to session so I can deal with them with T but then numbness happens and the cycle continues. Sometimes I feel as though therapy is just too hard and it is making me feel worse but I have become too attached now to leave.

For me, the numbness plays for days.

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Yeah. sometimes it's days, sometimes hours. Sometimes it comes on like a storm.

I wish I could feel in session.

I have this same problem. I try to make a list before every session of five things I want to talk to T about. And I underline the three most important ones, the ones I NEED to talk about, so when I'm having a day where it's hard to talk about things, I push myself to just say those three.

I'm seeing my T tomorrow night after work so hooefully I will be able to get through most of the things on my list.

I've bee feeling really weird lately like kind of on autopilot or something just very disconnected from everything. I seriously struggled to get out of bed this morning and was so close to just calling in sick but I'd hate myself even more if I did that. Ugh, today is not a good day.

Sorry to hear it is a rough day for you, the rollercoaster is the hardest bit for me, don't know when I will be up and when I will be down. I hope that you have a good and productive session.

I'm pretty much always down these days so at least it's predictable I guess. I really don't want to be at work today and I have no idea how in even going to be remotely productive. I feel like my whole life is falling apart