round 6,432,1789. my private practice

omg and once again she brings this up . i told her i no longer want to talk to her about this and to let it go . she said that she had some things that we needed to clear up . she said we had left it at me talking to my husband about if we could afford for me to see her privately (not so ) it was my impression we left it as she was not going to see me at her practice unless there was a reason to and at this point there was no problem seeing me at the clinic .i asked her this directly . i asked do you want to see me in your practice and she said not with out a reason to not see you here and she was bringing up ethics and her struggle . i know this conversation happened . now she said we left it at me talking to my husband about weather we could afford to see her out of pocket . this conversation happened before the one about her seeing me at the clinic unless there was a reason not to . she is changing things over and over even during session . in my last session she said so many different things i was way confused . anyway i said it doesn't matter any more and that i couldn't afford to see you privately . she asked how i know that . i wanted to scream at her ,I DONT because you wouldnt tell me how much you would charge me . how ir is ethical to talk about everything but how much you would charge me . i will not quit seeing you at the clinic in hopes that i can afford to see her privately .then not be able to and then not be able to see her at all . i have resigned to the fact that i am going to have to see her at the clinic and i feel she is only pushing me to see her at her office because of the big mess we are in . for me that is not a good reason at all and i would forever question her dedication and quality of care if she didnt charge me as much as others . money complicates things . i never had to deal with that .i payed my co pay and it was less complicated . no issues of she only wants money. anyway once again i said i dont want to talk about it . she said she just wanted it to be clear this is going to happen . (whatever that will change next week) i changed the subject to something i needed and wanted to talk about . i talked about how my health is deteriorating and i dont care and dont want to do the insulin regiment . it is too hard and overwhelming . how the mother sent me a letter about it stating that i need to take care of myself because she needs me around to pay her bills and arrange for her to be cared for and to bury her ashes . not the other way around . all she gives a crap about is her being taken care of and bills being paid .anyway she said the mother is a selfish B and that letter was the opposite of unconditional love . i was just so sad about everything . she said i need to let go of the hope i will ever get what i am looking for from the mother . i will never get it from anyone or place . if she only understood that a little hope is better then none . i have no one . no family . she doesnt understand that . we also talked about my new doctor i have and how she seems to care about me . i said she is just doing her job. i met her once . she said that she must care a lot and is going to help me . again i said it is her job . i said that she seems to think my thinking that is a bad thing and it is not a bad thing at all and that it is ok because she is doing her job ..she said that she bets that i keep her in that category .once again i said that isnt a bad thing .i asked why does that have to be a bad thing if it helps i think you are very good at your job. she said it isnt a bad thing to let people care about you . i just shook my head no . she said it was ok for me to trust her . at this point i dont trust her at all . i want medication and thats it . i want to be done with this and if medication helps with that im ok with taking it . so now it is she wants to see me at her office (cant afford it ) i believe this all came about because she wants to fix things not because she really wants this and i never want her to resent me .

Oh granite my heart aches for you. I wish I had words that could ease your pain. I read everything you wrote here and while I don't know what words I could say to help, I just want you to know that I care and am thinking good thoughts for you and if it's ok I'm sending healing energy to you. I'm sorry you're struggling so with all of this.

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Your T used to be better than this. Maybe it's time for a change?

ETA:

When Madame T started bullying me, I knew it was time to go.

Do you think her memory could be fading? It is do sad that this is causing you much confusion and pain, unsurprisingly, it surely would to anyone. If it is the only thing that is going badly maybe you could ask her to write down her viewpoint and date it so you can show her what she said. I don't know if it would help at all though.

At this point I would just ask her straight out, "In an ideal world, money no object, regardless of whether it is better for me or not, no factors except your own desire, would you take me on in your private practice, yes or no? Be honest." If she seems to try to hedge, keep on asking the same question until you get a direct answer.

I only suggest this because it seems that's the heart of the matter - you may not in fact be able to afford her privately, but at least you would know you were wanted if the answer is yes, and if it is no you have some idea of how much you can trust her.

This confuses me. I mean, can they ever answer a question the way we pose it? I think that's the first thing they learn never to do in t school! The loophole is in granites heart. Only she has the power to close it. Like MKAC's feral kitty. It's a big leap.

Hmmmm...maybe, but I think @@'s question would be totally reasonable to ask in this case because granite's therapist is bringing her real life chaos into the mix and confusing things. My therapist recently moved, not of her choice, and it made her mentally absent to a degree, so I wonder if that's what's going on here with granite's therapist and it's causing a lot of mixed signals. I think a clarifying question would be helpful.

I'm sorry, granite. I hope you can get clarity on this. I, for one, would take her at her word if I really wanted to follow her to private practice and the alternative (staying at the clinic and feeling hopeless) was going to be undermining my therapy. Either way, there's too much confusion over this not to keep pursuing answers.

Yeah, I totally agree about asking ATAT's question.

I don't think that's necessarily a sort of question T's won't answer. My T's a total impassive blank-slate (on an extreme end of the spectrum going by what I read here on PC of what T's do/say) and yet she has volunteered such responses -- whether I believe her is a whole other issue -- a few times even when I haven't remotely asked for it and it wasn't really what I was trying to get her to answer.

I think especially in Granite's case, a halfway good T will see that answering it will do a lot more good therapeutically than hedging or doing whatever confusing stuff her T is doing now. But yes, I can see that it could be the T's call on whether or not to answer it depending on where they think the client is.

((((((Granite))))))