[ilikecats]

So I don't do a lot of talking in therapy. My T asks me questions a lot, but I don't always answer. I bet half of what I say in therapy is "I don't know". The other half of what I say could be "I don't remember", "good", "fine", "okay", etc. I do think a lot though, and when she asks me a question, I usually have an answer. But for some reason I can't say it, so I just say "I don't know". Does anyone else have this problem too? How do I deal with it? I feel like if I'm not going to open up and tell her things, it sorta defeats the point of therapy. I don't know why I can't tell her things even when I have answers. I guess sometimes I feel too ashamed or embarrassed. Once in a while I really don't know. But a lot of the time I just can't make myself say anything. Any advice?

Sent from my SM-G925V using Tapatalk

[Ellahmae]

I say I don't know a lot as well. One of the things that has helped me is from the beginning my T would ask me after I said that was, "Do you not know or can you not say?". I would answer can't say or don't know according to what the answer really was. If I said, "Can't say", she'd say okay. She wouldn't push it or question why I couldn't answer it and her just accepting that I couldn't say was enough for over the next while for me to start saying a little bit more. I can't say because I'm embarrassed, or I can't say because....

Not sure if that makes sense but that's my history with the "I don't know".

[Waterbear]

I have a problem talking which is why I sought out a T who does some art and play therapy. When I have been stuck because I can't say it has helped. We have rolled a ball between us with her asking and me answering and it was helpful but not as helpful as me just being able to write things down as she reads them. We have done that twice now and u also drew her a picture one week which made it easier to discuss the topic, bit by agonising bit. I seem to find it more frustrating than her, either that or she is just very good at hiding it.

Don't know if you could suggest any of this to your T. I think it just takes time, patience and practice. Go easy on yourself.

[unaluna]

I've been hitting the idk a lot lately too. It surprises me. After all this time, that he could ask me something idk?!

[Cleo6]

i say I don't know then my t comments about it being a defence mechanism saying I'm avoiding the topic. Mostly it's when she's talking about how I feel about something

[laxer12]

When I first started going I said "I don't know" a lot and my T was quick to point it out. For me, it was kind of a reaction when I was uncomfortable with something she was asking so I had to try and slow down before I responded. When she brought it up, it helped me become more aware of how often I said it and when I said it.

My T then started asking me "what don't you know?" if I ever said it and that kind of gave me a second chance to answer and think about it. Thinking about it now, it's sort of a strange question to follow up with, but it definitely worked for me.

After a year and half, I've learned to pause if I feel the urge to respond with "i don't know" and calm myself down for a moment so I can give a hon.est answer and open up to her.

It's hard to open up sometimes but it does get a little easier over time and it helps to say things, even if it is difficult.

[RedSun]

Ilikecats, could you tell your T that you do this? So she can understand that she might need to stay with it a bit longer? Something like 'sometimes in therapy I say I don't know when you ask me a question. I really do know, but I just can't say it' type thing might help you both get through this?

[Bipolar Warrior]

When my therapists ask me questions like, "How does that make you feel?" or, "What are your thoughts on that?" I often say "I don't know", sometimes because I really don't, and sometimes because I don't know how to put my feelings into words. I find it particularly difficult to describe my feelings. I'm trying to figure out why that is.

Originally Posted by laxer12

When I first started going I said "I don't know" a lot and my T was quick to point it out. For me, it was kind of a reaction when I was uncomfortable with something she was asking so I had to try and slow down before I responded. When she brought it up, it helped me become more aware of how often I said it and when I said it.

My T then started asking me "what don't you know?" if I ever said it and that kind of gave me a second chance to answer and think about it. Thinking about it now, it's sort of a strange question to follow up with, but it definitely worked for me.

After a year and half, I've learned to pause if I feel the urge to respond with "i don't know" and calm myself down for a moment so I can give a hon.est answer and open up to her.

It's hard to open up sometimes but it does get a little easier over time and it helps to say things, even if it is difficult.

This sounds very similar to how my therapist handles "I don't know." He works with me to put words to what I am having trouble expressing because generally it is in there somewhere and just really hard to access. He sort of banned (sort of) "I don't know" and asked me to work on identifying my emotions, my confusion, my hesitation, etc. "I don't know" cuts off communication for me; taking the time to pause and put different words to that almost always leads to me what is really going on that I was having trouble accessing and verbalizing for whatever reason.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

Whenever I would say "I don't know" my T would ask me questions and try to see why I wasn't sure how to answer something and I used that to dig deep within myself to find out why I didn't know and open up to her.

[nottrustin]

Typically when I say "I don't know" it is when T asks how I am feeling at that moment when we are discussing something intense. I use to try to find words just to find something to day. Nothing seemed to fit. One day, when this happened she told me it is okay to say I don't know. I have come to realize most of the time it is because I am numb and shut down emotionally.

[ruh roh]

Originally Posted by ilikecats

So I don't do a lot of talking in therapy. My T asks me questions a lot, but I don't always answer. I bet half of what I say in therapy is "I don't know". The other half of what I say could be "I don't remember", "good", "fine", "okay", etc. I do think a lot though, and when she asks me a question, I usually have an answer. But for some reason I can't say it, so I just say "I don't know". Does anyone else have this problem too? How do I deal with it? I feel like if I'm not going to open up and tell her things, it sorta defeats the point of therapy. I don't know why I can't tell her things even when I have answers. I guess sometimes I feel too ashamed or embarrassed. Once in a while I really don't know. But a lot of the time I just can't make myself say anything. Any advice?

Sent from my SM-G925V using Tapatalk

Can you train yourself to say "I don't know...if I can talk about that" or "I don't know...if I'm comfortable telling you." That way, she will at least know there's more and know where the barrier is.

[BudFox]

Maybe talk therapy is the wrong thing for you. Or maybe there is a legit reason you don't feel safe or comfortable opening up? What does your gut say?

BTW, this reminds me of the short story "Bartleby the Scrivener" by Herman Melville. The main character, when asked to do things around the office, would frequently answer "I would prefer not to". Drove everyone insane. Could be a useful tactic for driving Ts crazy when desired.

[AnxiousGirl]

This is EXACTLY like me. My T asks questions and I say " um I dont really remember" or "I dont really know actually" or "ive never really thought about that" like over and over again. Now though my T does this face and smiles when I say those as if she knows im hiding something and then I freak out and end up telling her part of the truth or if its something I really dont know I just say Im being honest. I came back from my session today and my T assigned homework for me to do for next session and before leaving she asked if I would do it and then I said I dont know, she smiled and said you dont know? or you wont. Then I said I wont. I dont even know what happens in that 1 hour. It all feels like a huge blur.

I do this all the time... I think it infuriates my T, and actually everyone who is involved in my care. I've had so many different people ban the phrase "I don't know" and I still end up saying it. I've been in t for 4 years and still struggle with this. I think it's better than it was, sometimes I stop and think and after saying I don't know (while my t looks at me intently) I then try to explain what I'm actually thinking. Normally my words trip over each other and it doesn't really make sense but I do try.

When I first started t and I knew I needed to say something in advance but also knew I wouldn't physically say it I used to write it out and then show it to my t in session. This became kinda regular and most sessions started off with the general how are things and then he would ask if I had anything to show him. It made it much easier to talk like this.

When I got back into therapy last year after a 9 month break my t actually got me writing in a journal in between sessions, then I would just take it to him and he would read through it and then discuss. We don't really get anywhere otherwise. I have recently given up on the journal and now sessions are just a never ending cycle of shrugs, i don't knows and i don't remembers. Maybe I should start using the journal again...

[retro_chic]

I have this problem too. My T picked up on it very quickly and she knows that it is often a defense mechanism for me. Sometimes I really don't know because I have done such a good job blocking things out that I can't even think straight. Anyway, I find it is helpful for me to write things down and read them in session. Having my thoughts write out and not all jumbled in my head helps me to reflect on things and answer her questions better. Often after having 1 or 2 productive sessions I will start shutting down again. My T described it as slowly chipping away at a block only to have someone putty over it. It is a slow and painful process

[ScarletPimpernel]

I say "I don't know" a lot. Especially when she asks me about my thoughts. I'm good with identifying feelings and events, but not thoughts. My mind goes blank. Sometimes, I answer "I don't know" when I don't want to talk about something. But I'm an extremely honest person and wind up saying right afterwards "Well, I do know, but I don't want to say it". Then, of course, she'll coax it out of me.

[junkDNA]

My former T banned me from saying I don't know

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk

[annielovesbacon]

I relate to this so much, your post sounds almost identical to a diary entry I wrote a few months ago, lol. I think I use it as a defense mechanism, when she asks me how I feel about something I don't want to think about my feelings, so i just say "i dont know." I know it's not productive so I'm trying to be better about it.

whenever i try to say i dont know. my t says YES you do and pushes for an answer

[passionfruit3]

I say I don't know cause sometimes I simply don't have the words to express myself as a.kid I had areal problem as.well cause I was against therapy I gave the first therapist.such a hard.time I was placed with a more intensive therapist and she was even frustrated a lot of my problem now and I think yours is being assertive you should take a class if they offer it here they offer assertiveness classes but maybe in your hometown or city you'll find.something that can help

Sent from my LGMS659 using Tapatalk

[fullsassahead]

This is something I do regularly in therapy. When my therapist asks me a question, my typical "knee jerk" response is to say "I don't know." The truth is, sometimes I do know the answer. But, there are other times that I don't. Thankfully, although I've only been seeing my T for a couple of months, she has become quite adept at knowing whether I am avoiding being uncomfortable or I am truly unsure of how to respond.

Saying "I don't know" is also my default for when she is asking me a pointed question that I don't want to answer. In my case, it often goes like this: T - "Did your dietitian really say that you were allowed to exercise? Me - "I don't know." I should thank my lucky stars that she is as patient with me as she is.

Many times, I will say "I don't know" when the conversation is intense. Most of the time, I am unable to verbalize what I am feeling or have tremendous shame and am afraid to say something out loud. My T usually knows when it's something that I am struggling with and she will gently tell me that she knows that I know and that it is okay for me to share whatever it is with her. I suppose she is good at understanding when to push the matter and when to let it rest. My body language and behavior probably clues her in, as well.

I wish I had sound advice on how to get around the "I don't know" default, but it's something I continue to have difficulty with. I can say that, if you're able, have an honest conversation with your therapist as to what may be holding you back from being honest in that moment. It may not change it, but, if it is a matter of feeling safe, a conversation could bring you one step closer.