He didnt tell me

they did not read verbatim but most of the stuff they know but they are private practitioners and dont have any control over the hospital system and other things idk i really dont know what to do i am feeling horrible and i dont even know when my next appointment is.

I hope if I tell my doctor and t that I think there are demons inside my head or that I believe creatures inside me are from the other world and they don't allow me to take Meds and want me to kill others or something, they would do something more than endless appointments but then again maybe nothing could be done. The system is just watching the person slowly getting worse. Horrid. Sorry I can't wrap my mind around such lack of mental health care

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I mean I do live in a small area so maybe that has something to do with it to also maybe they are not doing anything because I am right and they know I am right.

Right about what? At this point I don't think it matters who is right. You aren't feeling well for a long time. In fact it's getting worse. You might be right and other people wrong but other people feel well and you don't. At this point id think the goal is to feel better rather than being right? Or no? Do you want to feel better? I really think medical team is failing you as they aren't doing anything to help you. Or maybe they think they do.

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I suppose it doesn't matter that much who is "right" I guess I just mean if they agree that what I say is going on is then I don't know how much they can do anyway. And I do want to feel better and yes I do feel a lot worse right now but I am still not sure wether or not my issue is medical also I know I am difficult to deal with but I can't just ugh I can't explain it I mean I did try and tell the hospital what was going on but the dr there said he didn't want to hear it he only wanted to talk about my self harm but he doesn't know that half the reason I always want to is because of the others and the demons he thinks I just feel like it but doesn't know why only he thinks he does. I guess no one wants to deal with me anyway I honestly think right now everyone is just saying rack off and do it quietly.

I think you need to tell your doc and psych that you do self harm because of demons and others.

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My psychiatrist and psychologist know that I mean the doctor at the hospital. I still have not heard back from my psychologist about when my next appointment is after he canceled. I feel horrible I don't even know anymore.

I am sorry you continue to feel so horrible. It must be exhausting.

i am exhausted my psychologist still hasnt got back to me i dont know what to do i dont know how much longer i can hold on i feel awful i want to scream and the demons wont leave me alone i was going to talk to him about that but he canceled i feel like i am going to explode and i am scared next time i do see him i will lose iit and he will send me back to the hospital he already told my mum he doesnt think i am safe at home but i keep bursting into tears and i am scared it will happen in front if him and ugh i dont know what to do anymore.

Why are you afraid of your psychologist seeing you crying? I would think in his line of work, he would see patients crying several times a day.

Because in the nearly 5 years I have been seeing him I have only ever cried once and that was when we had a big fight. If I cry it is pretty much like that is a big thing cause I never do which he will know because normally I make an effort to hide how I am feeling from people and if I can't then that is when I am feeling really bad. I mean I am feeling bad I just know if I do cry he will probably not be happy.

I doubt he will be unhappy if you cry...most T's expect that to happen, though i DO understand that feeling that when you cry it is a big deal. That is how it is with me. I am pretty much unable to cry unless I drink, and then it is a hot mess. So i get that, but I really do think if you cry in front of your psychologist, he won't be mad.

Not like mad like I am scared he will talk to my mum or idk I just feel like he would idk how to explain it. It is like if I cry then I have lost it cause normally I can't cry even when I feel like kneed to especially in front of other people normally I dissociate but when that has been happening lately it has not been good either as normally I harm myself in some way and I am just I honesty feel like if I talk about certain things which have been bothering me lately I will start shaking and crying and then panicking and I will just loose it because that has been happening a lot at home lately and idk what he would do if that happened.

Well, i totally understand the fear of losing control...because i fear it too.

If he is a trained psychologist and is any good, you panicking and crying will not scare him. Are you over 18, does he have to tell your mum anything? Hopefully if he witnesses you in so much pain, he can work on trying to calm you down, and not freak out.

If you let your emotions out, then they might have a better understanding of what's going on with you and how hard it is for you right now. I know you mentioned how in the hospital, you just tried to act normal on the outside, like you weren't showing your emotions. But I think if you let those out more, then it will be more clear how much you're struggling. (I know I've had difficulty letting my emotions out, too, but I find it's better when I do, at least to my therapist.)

i am 18 and he has been contacting my mum recently because of the hospital stays so now i dont know how much also even after i specifically asked the hospital not to they told my mum a whole bunch of stuff which i didnt want her to know so apparently no one is listening to me. and i mean yes he would probably try and calm me down only if he did see how bad i have been feeling then i worry he would not let me go home because



so i dont know what would happen.

i mean yes they might understand better in a way but i just i am scared cause i would be really embarrassed but like once it starts i cant stop it like i just it takes me hours to calm down and normally that is because my body is exhausted and i practically collapse. i like i just i am so tired.

You must be exhausted Eden- you have been dealing with this for what seems like months. I wish you could ignore the voices and let people help you. Keep writing here!!

i am exhausted i didnt get to sleep until about 6:30am because i was too scared of the demons. i am just so tired everything hurts i want to scream i am scared i mean i think i will try and tell my psychologist about the new stuff but i am scared of what will happen if i do. i dont know if is "trusts" me or not i dont know what to think i just want to sleep. i dont even know if i can explain it to him i also am nervous cause i donnt know if he will have spoken to the people about why the house got rid of me and i am scared to have that conversation i just i feel like i am out of options.