[growlycat]

I asked T if he was going to miss me. He didn't say he was going to miss ME he just named traits he saw in me that he was going to miss. I know I have some phone sessions to go before we terminate, but he has not said "I enjoyed working with you" or anything like that.

On my last in person session before and after he seemed busy with housekeeping stuff with the receptionist which he never did before. He was always focused on me even those minutes before a session. I'd like to think he was distracting himself from any feelings of loss too .

I worry that I didn't mean anything to him. Or maybe he didn't like working with me. Sorry feeling bad is clouding everything.

[unaluna]

I vote for he was distracting himself. T's have to be in the moment. He was in the moment when he was with you. Now those moments are gone. It's like why movie stars don't watch the movies they made. Although sometimes t and I recall our favorite moments. Like jokes, or horrendous misunderstandings.

Rather than pick apart those last moments, recall the entirety of you work together. Somewhere in that overview is you answer to your questions.

[atisketatasket]

I barely remember my college therapist, so dunno there. I think she did say something like, "I'll see you again someday, when you come back to teach at [my college]." Which to me was mere politeness.

No. 1 asked me to email her updates on how things were going. I chose not to do so. I have no idea whether the request had anything to do with me or she just was fascinated by my train wreck of a life.

No. 2 said, "take care," but she is also expecting me to resume with her when I return home, and I probably will, so that's not really a goodbye.

Growly, your therapist mentioning traits of yours that he would miss sounds really touching to me. Like he has really come to know and appreciate you as a person. That's a pretty big thing to happen in any relationship.

Why not ask the question more directly?

"I asked if you will miss me, the person."

I'm thinking you already know the answer

My t is forever telling me (every time I have the need to discuss the relationship, because I struggled with the weirdness of it for so long) that "It's a unique relationship." And it is, and I think that it's not only unique for the client, but for the t, too. Every single therapeutic relationship is unique unto itself as well as overall it being a unique relationship between t and client. My brain is foggy this early in the morning so I may not be making sense. So I've got it in my mind anyway that when at whatever point my t and I say goodbye, she may not miss me in my traditional sense of missing someone, like in the same way that I will miss her, but I do think that she will remember our work together fondly. They've had training which I would imagine learns them how to handle feelings about clients like these. So my very long convoluted answer shortened up is that I agree with atat, him mentioning traits about you that he will miss says to me that he appreciates the person that you are, and to me is more specific than just a blanket "I'll miss you".

Sending you hugs and good thoughts as you go through this transition.

[Ellahmae]

I asked my T if she would miss me when our ending came. Her response was that she would grieve our missed sessions for awhile, and it would take her a bit of time to process my leaving. While I get to process leaving and growing and being on my own in session, she has to deal with it and grieve once we terminate and every time she sits in session with someone else during my times (set schedule 3x a week) she will have a hard time, for the first while she will keep those time slots empty so she can process the situation for herself, as not to interfere with an others therapy.

[stopdog]

I am not sure you can know with certainty about most other people.

[ruh roh]

This may or may not apply, but it entertains me to think about a lecture by someone who suggested the following technique for facing fearful situations (and I would call this a fear--that you don't mean something to Sparky):

Picture someone who has qualities you wish you had in that moment and step into their place.

So, in this case, I would imagine unaluna has the necessary qualities for this particular task, and that she would say, "I know you're gonna miss me, and you may never get over the growlycat shaped hole in your life, but I've got big plans for myself and you'll just have to find a way to deal with the pain of my departure." Or something that would not allow him to say something hurtful to you. Because, what's he going to say, No I won't miss you?

btw, does he know you call him Sparky? I would think he'd like knowing that.

[Daeva]

My T consistently tells me that she likes me and cares very deeply for me and if anything happened to me she'd be devastated.

[junkDNA]

I think I just know... we've had a close relationship for 6 years now. I haven't directly asked him but we don't have an end in sight yet

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[rainbow8]

My T has always directly told me she likes me. For 6 years. When we talked about my crying if she dies before I do, she told me that she would cry if I died. She says she has a special place in her heart for me.

None of my past T's ever told me anything like that. One said I had likable qualities when I asked her. I never got close enough to them to ask if they would miss me after I quit. I do think that Ts remember their clients, though. My DBT leader once pulled out her old letters and notes from past clients and she became emotional. Therapy is not your typical "I hire you and we do the job and it's over" kind of relationship. Usually there is a deep and strong connection.

[WanderingBark]

Maybe in your upcoming phone sessions, you could ask your T but frame it in an analytical way? For example, "Right now, it's very important to me that I understand if you will miss me as a person and not just the qualities that make me a good patient/client". That way you kind of get your answer no matter what. Best case scenario, your T is upfront and says "yes, I will miss you as a person" worst case scenario you can try to understand what the answer is from the overall conversation that follows from asking the question.

Without knowing your T or the relationship you two have, it sounds like he or she might be guarding himself/herself from becoming too attached. This has benefit to you and to the T. If your T shows that he/she will miss you, perhaps you would feel obligated to stay? If T becomes too close to you, it's hard for them (or so I've heard) to do their jobs effectively. Either way, I wish you the absolute best.

[growlycat]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

btw, does he know you call him Sparky? I would think he'd like knowing that.

I started calling him Sparky on PC forums a year or two ago because his working style can be a bit too amped up (and he could be a little intense at 7am) Like the love child of Tony Robbins and Tigger. But I've become very fond of him and his quirks.

A few months ago we discussed crying in therapy and he kept saying it was OK. I'm always saying "Ugh I hate crying in therapy."
He looked at me knowingly and said sometimes "instead of crying sometimes we just need to growl." So either he knows or it was a really strange coincidence.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ruh roh

This may or may not apply, but it entertains me to think about a lecture by someone who suggested the following technique for facing fearful situations (and I would call this a fear--that you don't mean something to Sparky):

Picture someone who has qualities you wish you had in that moment and step into their place.

So, in this case, I would imagine unaluna has the necessary qualities for this particular task, and that she would say, "I know you're gonna miss me, and you may never get over the growlycat shaped hole in your life, but I've got big plans for myself and you'll just have to find a way to deal with the pain of my departure." Or something that would not allow him to say something hurtful to you. Because, what's he going to say, No I won't miss you?

btw, does he know you call him Sparky? I would think he'd like knowing that.

Oh dear! No that's hankster - brash and invulnerable and insensitive. She CAN'T handle the truth! Unaluna is willing to hear and feel and process whatever the reality or fear is. That would be the greatest thing a t pair can face together, the greatest gift.

[Cinnamon_Stick]

I ended with my T a month ago. During our final sessions leading up to the last one and even during the last one she told me many times that she would miss me, our sessions and our space. We talk on the phone to catch up every week and a half or so and she called me tonight and I straight up said "I miss you". She said "I miss you too" and "I think of you often, there are so many reminders of you". I was kind of surprised but it felt so good to hear. I think 12 years of history has made us so close that its natural to miss each other. Now if she only knew how badly I miss her and our sessions.

[SvanThor]

Look, you have got to remember something extremely important about therapists. They are not allowed, by law, to be subjective. They cannot form alliances with their patients. They are not your friend. They are your guide and doctor.

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[growlycat]

I agree that therapists are not your friend in the traditional sense. But I think that they like people in general or they would hate their jobs. A girl can wish I guess.

[stopdog]

I don't comsider them a guide, a friend or a dr of any sort.

The ironic thing is I know people who are friends with their mds.

[bookgirl667]

When I ended with my previous tdoc, I told him I'd miss him, and he said he'd miss me, too.

Current tdoc has directly told me he likes me. I have some social anxiety, and I was talking about a classmate and whether or not I thought she'd like to be my friend, and he said, "It sounds like she likes you. I like you, too."

I know none of this liking or missing is the same thing as a friend liking or missing me. I've been encouraged to take social risks and not to self-isolate when depressed so I can get "real-world" social validation outside my sessions.

[AncientMelody]

I am pretty sure she likes me. I think she is pleased with the amount of "work" I've done in therapy with coping strategies and the like, and being a medical practitioner and mom of two young kids like she is, I think we connect on that level.

I don't know that she will miss me. I think she is so busy that she probably won't have a chance to miss me per se. I don't want or need to know what happens in her head "after". If I am not seeing her, what is or is not going on in her mind has no relevance in my life.

[junkDNA]

i remembered that when he went on a trip somewhere i texted him that i missed him and he said i miss you too. so i do think he would miss me

[Coco3]

I'm sorry he makes you feel this way. I think your T was holding on to boundaries, keeping it professional. It doesn't say what he truly feels, but I would worry about it too. Do you think you can tell him how it made you feel?

My T told me he was going to miss me. Just once, but it was so good to hear. I knew we really liked each other and had a great connection, still I remained uncertain about it until he said he'd miss me. I could tell he was struggling with the termination too, but he made sure all my appointments were about me and my feelings, not his. That's what a T is supposed to do and I think it might be hard for them sometimes, even though they're much more experienced with letting go people they've grown to care for.

[Waterbear]

I wasn't very present session before last and last week I told my T that I had missed her because I was hiding. She said she could see that and said that she had only thought afterwards that maybe it would have been useful to tell me she could see it. I asked for a hug at the end and she said it was good having me back.

[ruh roh]

Maybe it's just another one of those things that depends on the therapist, and then the relationship they have with the client on top of that. I like my therapist, and she has said she does not dislike me, but I don't think she would miss me in any kind of personal way if I stopped going.

I think that's just the nature of the business. It's a weird mix of personal vulnerability by the client and a distant professional interest by the therapist. I know there are those on here who have a more caring type experience where they may be missed, but I think in general, it's not to be expected.