[BayBrony]

Well...I can't say I am ready to end therapy.

But I'm definitely moving into a new and different phase. And recently, suddenly a ton of positive change is occurring.

For those who don't know, I've been in therapy for about 4 years with my T. My.main issues stem from extensive early childhood abuse and neglect, and I had a complex eating disorder with severe body dysmorphia of nearly 30 years duration.

With me, at least, my T does a sort of limited reparenting. We have an intense relationship with outside contact, a lot of touch, and a lot of positive building up from my T.

On my own, in this time, I've pursued a sort of spiritual reawakening, learned to meditate and practice mindfulness and took up yoga . these things definitely have helped.

I've never, even with my wife, been able to carry a sense of being loved inside myself. If I am not with the person or talking to them, I feel like the love is just gone and I return to my default belief which is that I am broken and unloveable.

For the past two years I've texted my T pretty well everyday to check that she still loves me. I needed that sense of being deeply loved but I couldn't hold on to it.

Until the last few weeks. I thought of my T and got a beautiful warm feeling and realized I felt loved just thinking of her. Over the past few weeks we've discussed it over the idea that her love is ALWAYS there for me, and while I CAN keep checking, I don't need to ( and in answer to my fears my T volunteered that she wants this not so I don't text her, but because that feeling of not being loved is so painful for me).

We have worked on my eating disorder a lot but I continued to hate my body and engage in eating disorder behaviors. Then a few weeks ago, I was going to purge and then realized how violent that was, and how maybe I deserved compassion rather than violence.

I actually liked myself enough to say what I'd say to anybody else " don't do this. Its dangerous. You could get hurt. You are already fine, you are already loved, just as you are'

It sounds so simple... But its WORKING. and its the internalization of my T's voice, who hs said those same words to me hundreds of times.

I thought I'd ALWAYS hate my body but last week I was tearing myself apart as usual and suddenly I thought " but why not focus on the things you love about yourself?"
Which before I would have rejected as dumb but this time I tried it anyway. And its working. And that is my Ts voice inside me.

Of course I still have plenty of work to do. But suddenly I see the way out. I see where I am going and it's way more beautiful and happy than I ever anticipated.

I am shocked how HAPPY my life is just by removing those cruel internal narratives. My external life hasn't changed but I wake up feeling free and rich and joyful because I'm just fine. Right where I , right how I am , I am loved and beautiful and wanted and powerful. Right here, right now.

So yeah...it was a long slog and very dark at times and I often thought the pain would never end. But I was wrong

Hitting those turning points is an amazing feeling. You sound like you've found some internal peace.

[Rive.]

I am happy for you Bay. Powerful message of hope there too..

[Out There]

How marvellous Bay. I've felt it too recently , like going into the hell of your psyche and reclaiming the power from your own " demons " then the demons turn to angels.

Bay I am so happy for you. I've been undergoing something similar in the past month!! And I've been seeing t for 4+ years as well. It's definitely been a long and sometimes difficult road this healing, but I'm finding it as well. And for the first time in all this time, I'm able to talk about ending therapy/saying goodbye to t without crying. I'm not ready to end yet, but... at least I can talk about it now.

Hugs to you Bay, such a beautiful, positive post and it is a delight to read!

[runlola72]

I felt like crying reading this. So glad you see the light at the end, as you say. It sounds like you've done some really hard work and it has paid off.

[BayBrony]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

Bay I am so happy for you. I've been undergoing something similar in the past month!! And I've been seeing t for 4+ years as well. It's definitely been a long and sometimes difficult road this healing, but I'm finding it as well. And for the first time in all this time, I'm able to talk about ending therapy/saying goodbye to t without crying. I'm not ready to end yet, but... at least I can talk about it now.

Hugs to you Bay, such a beautiful, positive post and it is a delight to read!

I'm not ready to think about ending yet.
But I have reached a place where I feel like even if I never saw my T again, this healing is MINE . I've changed fundamentally and irreversibly no matter what happens from this point on

Originally Posted by BayBrony

I'm not ready to think about ending yet.
But I have reached a place where I feel like even if I never saw my T again, this healing is MINE . I've changed fundamentally and irreversibly no matter what happens from this point on

I so love how you wrote that the change is fundamental and irreversible and it is yours. You put your feelings in words so beautifully. Well done!!

(and I'm not talking to HER about it yet....not quite there yet myself! Just been talking to a friend about it.)

[Luce]

Yay, you! Your history and process has some similarities to mine. I recall compassion for self being the major turning point in beginning to give up purging behaviors as well. We didn't want to do that to the child anymore. That too came from internalizing the compassion our own t had for us.
We also exercised compassion for those times when we couldn't help it... when we were not able to stop it from happening. Sometimes we could, sometimes we couldn't. Over time we were able to stop it more times than we couldn't.
Here's to your getting your control back from your ED!

[itjustis]

When you finally turn a corner it's such a great feeling, especially after all the hard work you put in.

I have internalised my T's voice too and what she would say. Her little phrases really help.

Well done for coming so far in therapy. I bet you're so proud of yourself


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk