Dear T: I Need to Tell You Something... Part XIX

I know you want to steer me away from continuing to think and talk about my "plan," but it feels like I should be talking about it. Thinking about values and doing a 12 week program on creativity are nice ideas, but I don't have the energy or level of interest to engage in those right now. I need to figure out what to do with my feelings around wanting to leave this world before I can fully engage in activities that imply I'm going to be around to do something with them. Please be patient and gentle with me.

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I'm falling apart and can't tell you

I wonder why it's so hard for you to accept responsibility for the despicable charade you organized against me?? You owe me an apology and it gets bigger and bigger with every passing day that you don't own up to it!!!

I'm not quite sure how you ever lasted as a counselor this long when you cannot own up to your mistakes??

Guess ethical behavior was not part of the curriculum was it?? Or is that just another excuse?

t,

ughhhhhh why do you leave. im so selfish. also... meh.

me

You were quite clever weren't you? I mean to manipulate more than one. To get an entire group of flukies under your control!! That's a lot of POWER they gave to YOU. Apparently, you duped them as bad as you duped me!! They actually thought you knew what you were talking about. That's pretty scary stuff!! Scary that one individual could manipulate and control so many in my town. Doesn't say much of the people I know does it?? Not one in the bunch supported me. I have to stand against you on my own and I WILL STAND AGAINST YOU and ANYONE ELSE WHO TRIES TO MANIPULATE ME.

If that means I trust NO ONE, then so be it.

I wish I knew for certain that little wolf was with you and ok

(tugs on T's blouse)

I love you!

(runs away hiding face in hands and giggling)

MC,
Nervous about today's session because we're going to be talking about physical intimacy. So I'll probably just spend most of it staring at the carpet, playing with my hair or my jewelry, saying I don't know why I act a certain way with that, apologizing a lot, and feeling awkward. And I'll probably apologize for the texts, and you'll say I don't need to. And of course I'm afraid you'll have to cancel (or that we will for whatever reason). So even though I'm nervous, hope to see you at 2, because this is a conversation we need to have.
Love,
LT

I re-read my journal and realized you've been completely consistent with your message for the last six months. And you've never mentioned how often we've discussed this. I think I'm ready to let it sink in (a little).

I hate you. I cant believe how easy it is for you to hurt me, and it's my fault. My problem has never been opening up, my problem has always been being too open to complete assholes.

I felt the communication behind that hug was "I trust you"...from both of us.

I am doing exactly what you told me to not do! Not impressed by myself. You're not getting to know this!

Just got some news. Now I'm so mixed up inside over so much. I don't know what to even start with today. I don't want to bounce around but I know that's going to happen. Trying to keep myself together until I get into session. I'm already starting to get spacey and nervous and really want to see you now. I don't want to wait. I might leave now just to sit in your parking lot to feel close to you. I don't know.

Dear MC,

Sometimes I feel like you can see right into my brain. You know me better than I know myself. I have to wonder...I know you have anxiety. Have you had guilt issues too? Because you just seem to really understand. (I know, you'd probably say that being Jewish automatically means you have guilt issues, but I mean beyond that.) You got at what was really bothering me, not just the physical intimacy thing. And it feels like you genuinely wish you could make it magically go away for me, that you want me to stop beating myself up. You'd probably call that caring, but it feels like love.

And the fact that you said it would have been OK to call you on a holiday weekend, and that the texts weren't a bother at all. That means a lot. Because T usually says she appreciates my not contacting her if I say I had wanted to but chose not to bother her. Instead of saying it would have been OK. (You do know that probably means you're getting a call from me some future holiday weekend, right? Though I guess calling you over Christmas wouldn't be too much of a problem!) It's things like that that show you really care about me as a person and not just a job. So, thanks.
Love,
LT.
PS: Woogedy-woogedy! (or however that would be spelled)

Thank you for bringing me back today and for playing with me. I look forward to more games in the future. Several thoughts about the new room but I do think it will be OK. I liked you reading my poem, I will write it out so you can have a copy. I think you could have asked but I don't know. I want to ask you to read it again next week so I can look at you while you read it and maybe I could hold your hand. I am so pleased you like the gift and card, I nearly didn't bring them.
8 days is a long time you know, but I will try to keep myself busy. Thanks for listening to me today, it was OK talking to you.

im not well and i don't know if i can talk about it

I took a Klonopin for the first time since your last vacation. I don't quite know why except I was considering self injury and just couldn't do that after our conversation today, you were so pleased at my progress. Maybe that's why I wanted to self injure, partly? I hope I have the guts to talk to you about it. More likely, I'll just write about it for you.

You keep appearing in my dream. Too frequently that I'm embarrassed about it. Oh also I've been resisting the urge to SI but that appears in my dream too. At least they aren't nightmares as such.

I had an experience last night that was well, amazing actually. I was home by myself, h was out on a job and son hadn't come home from his friend's house yet, and I had gone to bed. Had the fan on to try to drown out the fireworks. I wasn't asleep yet when it happened - but was thinking that I haven't dreamed about you in awhile and was asking psyche for a dream - and then it happened. I got up and wrote it down but I was almost afraid to open my eyes even a little because I didn't want to lose it. So Saturday, I am going to ask you first thing to make a note somewheres that this session should not go on my receipt because I want to talk about shamanic stuff which is the only way to explain what I "saw". And I wasn't even drumming at the time. I was going to, but was too tired. It wasn't even really that much like a journey, but more along the lines of a vision. I've never had a vision before, not that I know of, but that's the best way I can describe what I saw/experienced. I'm almost afraid to even speak of it, but I will, as it wasn't anything bad, it was beautiful and amazing and dang near indescribable. If I were any good at painting, it would cry out to be painted. You definitely will need to be wearing your shamanic practitioner hat when I tell you this, though.... and no, you were not in it.

So I know this thread isn't for feedback but how do you differentiate between a vision and a journey? I use the terms interchangeably so.I'm wondering

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You miserable low-life scum bag!! It wasn't enough that you hurt me to my very core, MY VERY CORE!!!

It wasn't enough was it?? YOU had to go and HURT other people in my life.

When does it end with you??? Just because you have no feelings for anyone, does not mean other people are emotionless. You better STOP your REREHENSIBLE ACTIONS NOW!!! Stop hurting people!!!
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how could anyone allow you to continue playing games with people's lives?? This is not a game!! Wake up PEOPLE!!! This last devious charade is an example of how dangerous you are.

It also tells me how SICK the people are you give instructions to and they "obey" like a robot.

I guess the reason I'm calling it a vision is because I wasn't drumming... wasn't looking for it.... was just thinking that I wanted to dream, and before I could even fall asleep it was just like boom there it was. I really don't know any other way to explain why I called it that. I'm going to talk with t more about it since she's well-versed in this stuff. Maybe they are one in the same, and I've journeyed so much now with a drum that maybe it's not all that necessary anymore.... I dunno! Can I pm it to you and see what you think?

Yeah I'd love to hear it!

Too embarrassed to admit this to you, but maybe I should? I feel a small warm spot in my heart that you have reached out to my P and that you two are sharing impressions of what is going on with me, etc. Why is that? Possibly because my parents have never been together since I was a baby, so I have no memory of 2 adults worrying over me, and planning, making decisions. It feels oddly beautiful, despite the content of the concern.

I did it T. I called them. The process has started. I can expect a call back sometime this week, so things will hopefully have progressed a lot by the time I see you next week.

I don't think Ive ever said this before, and I doubt I'll ever say it again - but da-yamn I wish you were here to say encouraging things, and make me think encouraging things, and yes - for this moment only - I could really do with a hug.